One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

There are basically two types of criminal in the world – evil, facially-scarred criminal masterminds who test the world’s notions of good and evil via a series of diabolical life or death morality games conceived to lure the Batman out of hiding, and really stupid criminals who only get arrested because they’re massive idiots.

Guess which one of these DMX is.

That’s right. DMX doesn’t break the law because he’s evil. All DMX wants is to paint the world rainbow-coloured with his sunny feelgood hits like Fuck Y’All, Kiss Of Death and Keep Your Shit The Hardest. Problem being, of course, that DMX is an idiot.

Since hecklerspray started, DMX has been arrested for an endlessly mind-boggling array of utterly pointless crimes. Like the time he crashed his car and told everyone that he was in the FBI.

Or the time that he didn’t want to fasten his seatbelt on a plane.

Or the time that he hid a gun from some police officers in a breathtakingly cack-handed way.

Or the time that police discovered the partially-burnt corpses of several malnourished dogs in his garden.

We could go on. But the point is that DMX is hardly a Bond villain, is he? Unless Quantum Of Solace turns out to be about 007 chasing a slightly dim rapper who tried to avoid paying a hospital bill in a really stupid way.

Because that’s what DMX has been arrested for this time. According to reports, DMX was arrested on suspicion of felony identity theft on Saturday after he attempted to give a fake identity and social security number to the hospital that treated him for pneumonia back in April.

DMX was arrested for this offence at a shopping mall in Phoenix but, before he was hauled off to the police station, DMX did perhaps the funniest thing anyone has ever done during an arrest. E! Online has details:

As he was being carted off by officers, the rapper turned to the hastily congregated group of local news cameras, said, “harrassment,” and shook his head.

Genius. Anyway, since this is the fifth time that DMX has been arrested within the space of three months, there’s every chance that he could wind up in jail if he’s convicted. That would be an absolute outrage, because pithy celebrity news blogs like us rely on DMX’s continued arsefaced stupidity for our livelihood.

What if DMX goes to jail? What will we have left to write about then? The occasional in-cell stabbing? A violent bumming or two? That’s boring. Free DMX! Or send him to jail. In retrospect we don’t actually care that much.

Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn’t yet been decided either way.

Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial.

Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation – it shouldn’t be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side.

Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they’ve run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as.

And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him.

The future looks bright.

That’s as in ‘the future looks bright because it means we don’t have to pussyfoot around as much with our language for fear of being sued’, of course, and not some other misconstrued meaning attributed to the phrase. Obviously.

The case has been through a lot over the last few months, most recently the confusion as to who in the blue hell was in the video presented to the courts. Though whoever it was may have definitely had a mole – or did they? So no one is really sure who it was in the video, but whoever it was may have had a mole, though it may have been an ‘artifact’.

Good lord the jury must be confused by now.

It didn’t help that the defence were throwing around biblical quotes:

“Second Corinthians 11, verse 14. And Satan shall come disguised as an angel of light. That is what she is. She is a liar. She is an extortionist.”

And it can’t have made it easy when the prosecution relied on one of those pesky ‘experts’ to back up their case.

Though we would likely be the best one on the planet, hecklerspray would hate to be a juror in this case. And it’s clear that the actual jurors are taking their time on this one, since they’ve been deliberating for around a day now after starting on Thursday afternoon. According to CBS 2′s legal analyst Irv Miller this may very well be a good thing for R:

“A lot of people who have seen the entire trial say this is a slam dunk guilty and others are saying, ‘Hey, listen, there’s reasonable doubt there’.”

Time will tell. A verdict will come. And when it does, hecklerspray will know – either way – how we stand legally when talking about R Kelly. It’s been a long ride, but we’re nearly at the end of this particular legal tunnel.

Oh, and so is R Kelly. Forgot about that fact for a second there.