Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.
Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!
Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.
Do this for us. Firstly, plug up your ears with cotton wool. Okay? Done that? Now, rest a snooker ball under your tongue. Got that? Now, sing “yeeeah, got my swag on” while running down a flight of stairs.
Congratulations! You sound exactly like Soulja Boy, the kid who found fame with his voice despite sounding like someone was pulling teeth from a lively bovine.
In fairness, you don’t sound exactly like Soulja Boy because you aren’t shooting your mouth off at everyone, especially some rather fruity racial and homophobic slurs, which appeared on his Facebook page over the weekend.
Ice-T once crooned “I got this long-assed knife and your neck looks just right. My adrenaline’s pumpin’. I got my stereo bumpin’. I’m ’bout to kill me somethin’ – a pig stopped me for nuthin’! Cop killer, better you than me! Cop killer, f**k police brutality! Cop killer, I know your mama’s grievin’ (f**k her)! Cop killer, but tonight we get even. So what happened when he got pulled over for nuthin’?
Well, you’d be forgiven for thinking that he either shot or stabbed the policeman to death. In actual fact, he went one worse. No, he didn’t kill the policeman’s first born or maim their parents. No. He did that most vicious and grisly of things.
HE TWEETED ABOUT IT.
Brrr.
10 – Sneezing in slow motion. The wrongest thing you’ll see all day – Break
9 – Still cacking yourself mental about swine flu? It could be worse – you could have any of these pretend diseases – PopEater
8 – Alternatively, here’s a reminder that all animals are dimwits. Adorable dimwits – Bunnywithfangs
7 – Apparently you’re not allowed to have sex with animals in Florida any more. Stupid swine flu – Miamiherald.
Here’s a guest blog by Josh out of Interestment…
Contrary to what your destroyed and embittered careers advisor screamed into your face – flecks of saliva spattering your cheeks – becoming an actor isn't just a hobby, it's a job.
Just look what happens when non-actors like Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston give it a bash ? they ruin films. Completely ruin them.
And yet, while those three were totally rubbish, every once in a while a marvelous young pop star will come along and blow our minds. Here are four great singers/actors?
Why can’t musicians simply be happy with playing music? Why do they insist on this misguided notion they are not simply musicians, but rather ‘performers’, ‘artists’ or, even worse, ‘entertainers’?
What’s so wrong with being called a musician? Does it not pay the rent anymore? Do you have to get another job as an actor just to make your ends meet? Times are hard for multi-millionaire rock stars, you know. Playing a guitar nicely and singing some catchy lyrics is not a bad living, but you can’t retire on it. And, of course, what the world really wants is more shit actors.
Well hecklerspray has had enough. It’s time to name and shame the worst offenders…
