We feel bad for Beyonce – all this time she’s been waggling her bum about in public, we never knew it was all due to schizophrenia.

But apparently it is. You see, the real Beyonce is quiet, timid, dowdy and about as sexy as a damp dishcloth. The girl you see onstage flapping her bumcheeks together and shouting about her jelly like it’s a bomb that’s about to go off is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, a woman named Sasha Fierce.

And Sasha Fierce is about to make her voice heard even more, because Beyonce has decided to name her new album I Am… Sasha Fierce. What’s even more interesting is that I Am… Sasha Fierce is going to be a double album, proving once and for all that not only is Sasha Fierce Beyonce’s aggressive, outspoken and glamourous side, but also her side that doesn’t seem to have any form of inbuilt quality control whatsoever.

Beyonce wouldn’t be Beyonce if she didn’t give each of her albums a breathtakingly awful title. Her last album, you’ll remember, was released on Beyonce’s birthday. And, since Beyonce’s name and the word ‘birthday’ both begin with the letter B, she used her exceptional logic to name the album after the thing that Frenchmen wash shit out of their arses with. Genius.

But Beyonce isn’t going to make that mistake again – not since that last album caused her to give children seizures and smash her own face into pulp – so she’s thought long and hard about the title of her new album, due out next month. And she’s come up with…

Well she’s come up with I Am… Sasha Fierce, soon to be know among all the hip kids as I Am Dramatic Pause Sasha Fierce. It’s an odd title, until you realise that Sasha Fierce is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, at which point it becomes a frothingly berserk title. But let’s let Beyonce explain herself instead. BBC News reports:

I Am… Sasha Fierce reveals an alternate persona which the former Destiny’s Child star says allows her to “take more risks”. “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, aggressive, outspoken and glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage,” she said. “I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work,” the star said.

Well thank God that Sasha Fierce exists, because God knows we’ve long though that Beyonce was too woeful, chaste, laid-back, introverted and ugly to be a proper pop star. Unless of course Beyonce meant that Sasha Fierce was even more sensual, aggressive and outspoken than her, in which she sounds like mid-meltdown Britney Spears, and that’s no fun at all.

But whoever Sasha Fierce is, we’re going to know the bleeder inside out by the end of next month, because Beyonce has decided to make I Am… Sasha Fierce a double album. And given that Beyonce’s usual album tactic is to record two decent singles, fill the rest of it up with wishy-washy ballads about nothing, then make everyone buy a deluxe version of the album two months later with another single and 15 more crappy ballads on it, this seems like a mistake.

But there are still a few more weeks until I Am… Sasha Fierce is released, which is why we’re urging Beyonce to give the album a more accurate title before it’s too late. We’ve even drawn up a shortlist for her to choose from:

I Am… Unable To Self-Edit

I Am… Letting My Fame Go To My Head A Little Bit

I Am… Never Going To Be Listened To All The Way Through By Anyone More Than Once

I Am… Probably Going To Be Mostly Ignored On iTunes

I Am… Desperate To Not Let Rihanna Be More Famous Than Me

Pick whichever one you want, Beyonce. They’re all yours.