So many other people want lips like Teri Hatcher's – essentially normal-looking lips that have kissed Superman – that Teri Hatcher was signed up to be the face and mouth of lip-plumper product Hydroderm. However, Hydroderm says that Teri Hatcher broke her contract by also promoting rival lip-plumper product City Lips, and is suing her for it. However, Teri Hatcher's lips aren't taking this sort of nonsense sitting down, so Teri Hatcher is publicly declaring that she didn't breach any kind of contract.

This is big news, folks, probably the biggest news of the day that you can't even bring yourself to giving even half of a mouse's left bollock about.

Admit it, you want Teri Hatcher's lips. We want Teri Hatcher's too, but only so long as they're sawn off and put in a jar first. We'd hate for them still to be attached to Teri Hatcher when we get them. Her voice sort of annoys us.

But so many people also want Teri Hatcher's lips that they'd be just as happy to make their own lips look like Teri Hatcher's – and for that they'd need Hydroderm lip plumper, the product that signed Teri up to be its public face in 2005. You must have seen the Hydroderm adverts – the ones of Teri Hatcher crying and stumbling around a crockery shop knocking dinner-sets off shelves with her gigantic lips that make her look as if someone tried to force-feed her a bright-red bouncy castle before getting bored halfway through and wandering off. "Hydroderm: For Making People Think You Can't Speak Properly," that was the slogan. You must have seen them.   

Anyway, as we reported earlier in the week, Hydroderm is suing Teri Hatcher for breach of contract because it claims that Hatcher was also promoting City Lips lip plumper at the same time, and wants $2.4 million plus $400,000 expenses back from her. But Teri Hatcher has decided to fight back, by telling the media that it's all a lot of arses, blaming. According to the Associated Press:

In his response, filed Thursday, Hatcher's attorney, Joseph Taylor, wrote that the actress did not make deals with other cosmetic companies, did "absolutely nothing wrong and has been ready, willing, able and eager" to work for Hydroderm, having participated in an all-day photo shoot and having made herself available for TV appearances.

So who's right and who's wrong here? We only wish we could care. But, for the sake of a quiet life, let's hope that Teri Hatcher wins this lawsuit, because if she stops being allowed to promote products for lip plumper then it's inevitable that she'll end up using her granny-claws and dangle-boobs to model other stuff. Granny-claws and dangle-boobs.

Read more:

Teri Hatcher Defends Herself Over Deal – Associated Press 

Of course, we don't even start our hair until we've had a nutritious breakfast consisting exclusively of Hillshire Farms crispy bacon, Thomas' golden brown english muffins and a tongue-tattoo Fruit Roll up (which has 6 essential vitamins & minerals). Yes, we certainly eat all that food every single day, and we shutter to think of our lives without such outstanding name brands.

Now moving on to today's topic, Teri Hatcher endorses some products too. She gets paid millions of dollars to say she uses such and such, but the trick is her paycheck apparently depends on her actually using those products. Hydroderm, for instance, wanted to be the only goo Hatcher ever injected into her lips. Then when they weren't looking she went and used Crisco or something, which is funny because Crisco isn't actually a lip filler – it has far too many other delicious uses!

Like cookies!

Teri Hatcher sold her lips to Hydroderm. She thought it was a good idea at first, but soon realized she was disgusting with just gums and teeth on the front of her head. Also, Hydroderm took piss-poor care of her lips while they had them in their possession. The smackers got all chapped and didn't even get dipped in gloss that often.

Eventually Hatcher had enough. She got a crack team of Columbian surgeons to reattach her tooth covers as well as they could, but as with any body part, when detached long enough, the lips withered. Then, of course, Hatcher had to fill them with something. Maybe we should clarify and say all this is speculation on our part. We've looked into the case thoroughly, we've pieced the puzzle together and best we can tell, this is how Hatcher's current lip fiasco went down.

The only thing we know for sure is she was under contract to only inject her lips with synthetic ooze made by Hydroderm, but she went and filled them full of synthetic ooze made by City Cosmetics. Her contract holders are mad. They explain why in a court document:

"To generate sales and increase its name recognition" Hydroderm sought to contract with a prominent public figure to provide exclusive endorsement services on behalf of Hydroderm. Hydroderm considered several well-known and attractive actresses. Hydroderm chose, however, to pursue an exclusive relationship with Hatcher based, in large part, on the fact that Defendants represented that Hatcher was not currently Endorsing any competing skin care products and promised that she would not do so in the future."

Mad, right? They're not done:

"Defendants, however, failed to abide by the terms of the Agreement and, in fact, materially breached the terms of the Agreement. These material breaches occurred because defendants authorized and permitted the use of, inter alla, Hatcher's name, voice, image, likeness and other endorsernent to directly and indirectly promote, endorse, market and advertise competing skin care products."

Hydroderm is sooooo pissed at Hatch. If they looked into her background maybe they wouldn't be in this predicament. If they'd checked they'd know she definitely never slept with loads of guys in the back of a van, but some people said she did anyway, they'd know her face may or may not be marred from a light bulb explosion and they'd know she's probably not famous enough to move much product anyway.

You messed up Hydroderm. You really messed up – but we can fix it. hecklerspray is willing to give you Annette Hyde, our 62 year old college intern. Feel free to inject her face with whatever you like. She can take it. We once sewed an entire chicken foot under her neck skin and it didn't get infected for a week.

Enticed? Now lets talk price…

Read More:

Cosmetic Company Sues Teri Hatcher For $2.8 Million -   Access Hollywood