There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.

But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,  even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.

Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.

That’s right – Celine Dion is pregnant. This is particularly strange when you consider that her husband’s spoo has been in a deep-freeze since they did that sort of thing with large chunks of lake ice.

That’s just what we heard.

What we’re getting at here is that she’s pregnant not by a sperm happening upon an unsuspecting egg, but at the hands of several dozen doctors, scientists and perhaps nurses that are pretty good at holding a syringe real nice and steady.

We’re told that this type of pregnancy is virtually identical to the natural kind, except the mother has to constantly sit on the petri dish so that it’s contents never get too hot or too cold.

We really did hear that. We also heard this – from the New York Daily News:

“Céline Dion is going to be a mom – again! The Canadian singer learned of her pregnancy Monday after she and husband, René Angélil, conceived with the help of a team of fertility doctors in New York…”

The doctor’s helped, we’re told, by dressing Dion and her husband both in velvet robes, dimming the lights, and letting passion rule as the pair surrendered to each other while the faint cries of a baby otter lingered in the air.

We’re told that for Canadians, baby otter cries are an absolute essential to proper love making. So are red police uniforms and millions of miles of uninhabited, ice covered wilderness.

Now that we know Celine is pregnant, we suppose it’s safe to say she’s really keeping up with the Kardashians!

See what we did there? Could someone in headquarters please get that copyrighted? Chop chop!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

However, apart from their genuinely awful name, Spacehog looked to go down in history for one thing – the fact that frontman Royston Langdon was the jammiest generic northern indie singer in the world because he’d somehow convinced Liv Tyler to marry him.

But, men of the world, you no longer have to be rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, because Liv Tyler’s just decided to divorce him. That is unless you enjoyed being rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, of course, in which case you have plenty of other things to envy him for, like… um… look, we’re going to have to get back to you on this.

Make no mistake, this summer is officially the summer of American actresses who haven’t really made a lot of films lately and happen to be married to British singers suddenly returning to the limelight in big comic book blockbusters. That’s its full title. Only call it by its full title.

It’s true, though, first Coldplay wife Gwyneth Paltrow has returned from three years of sucking the nutrients out of the same piece of brown rice to star in the all-conquering Iron Man, and now Spacehog wife Liv Tyler has returned from five years of making not very good films to star in the less-conquering and potentially quite rubbish The Incredible Hulk.

The symmetry is perfect – or rather the symmetry would be perfect if only Liv Tyler hadn’t buggered it all up by divorcing her husband.

Perhaps one of the reasons why Liv Tyler is so desirable is because she’s plainly a miraculous quirk of genetics. Half her DNA comes from Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler, yet somehow Liv Tyler has beaten the odds and avoided looking like a dehydrated million-year-old merman made from stitched-together bits of old scrotum. And for that reason alone, Liv Tyler was always going to be a hit with the boys.

Despite this, though, in 2003 Liv Tyler bizarrely ended up getting married to Royston Langdon, lead singer of comically anonymous and instantly forgotten Leeds Britpop bandwagon-hoppers Spacehog. Never mind, though, because Liv’s just corrected this oversight, as E! Online reports:

“Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation,” a rep for the actress said. “They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family’s privacy be respected at this time.” Rumors of marital discord between the 36-year-old Langdon, the former frontman of Spacehog, and Tyler, the 30-year-old progeny of rocker Steven Tyler, have been swirling for weeks, after the actress was spotted around New York City sans wedding ring.

It’s always sad when celebrity couples split up, isn’t it? Luckily Royston Langdon never actually qualified as a celebrity – other than that one week in the mid-nineties when a Spacehog song got used on Match Of The Day – so we’re allowed to giggle and snort as much as we like. Looks like it’s back down t’pits for you, Royston.

Read more:

Liv Tyler’s Rock Marriage Rolls Away – E! Online

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week, there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’, which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s allegedly on crack.

A source tells the Sun:

“She has been fed up for ages and saying she wants to call it a day. All Blake does is scream and shout at her on the phone from prison and curse at her and his family blame her and criticise her. The trial is coming up and as it gets nearer and nearer the thought that he could come out has been on her mind – and it’s not what she wants any more.”

It has also been suggested that Amy has started a new relationship with 24-year-old Alex Haynes, her manager’s assistant. An insider revealed:

“Alex is a good boy. He doesn’t smoke or take drugs. He isn’t a big drinker. Amy has really fallen for him.”

Why? They’ve got nothing in common. If he really loves her, he’d better pick up a pipe quickly. And just what kind of soul-singer wants their husband to remain in jail?

Amy is, of course, famed for singing about the happenings of her life, like the time she sang about the time she was asked to go to rehab but really, really, really didn’t want to. How is she gonna make a song about this last week?

Any part-time poets out there fancy making an offering below?

Read More – Winehouse ‘prepared to divorce husband’ – Digital Spy

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

If you’ve seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately, then… no, let’s start again. Nobody has seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately.

Anyway, Donald Trump is a man known for his cutthroat business attitudes, his merciless self-promotion and his haircut that looks like a monkey’s buttock combover. His love for other human beings, however, isn’t exactly high on the list.

But oddly, Donald Trump still seems to have a small amount of affection for his ex-wife Ivana Trump. And quite right too – Donald and Ivana shared 13 years of such narcissistic marriage that they called the children they had together Donald, Ivanka and, um, Eric. It’s grisly, but it sounds like it worked.

It must have done, because Ivana Trump married her fourth husband on Saturday, and Donald Trump’s presence was felt so strongly that they may as well have balanced comedy ginger wigs on all the wedding balloons too, as People reports:

Ivana Maria Trump married Rossano Rubicondi Saturday before 500 friends and family members at Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach estate of her ex, Donald Trump… The ceremony was conducted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, The Donald’s sister, and was attended by the man himself… Guests, including actor George Hamilton and Kathy and Rick Hilton, will dine in the gold and white Grand Ballroom amid thousands of flowers, the same room where Donald and Melania Trump hosted their wedding dinner three years ago.

So, just to recap – Ivana Trump’s wedding took place at Donald Trump’s estate, in front of Donald Trump, with Donald Trump’s sister acting as the vicar, with the reception held in the exact same room as Donald Trump’s last marriage. Nope, nothing creepy about that at all, then.

Ivana Trump’s new husband Rossano Rubicondi deserves some sort of prize for putting up with all this, don’t you think? After all, nothing can be quite as emasculating as getting married in a wedding that’s been heavily influenced by your wife’s billionaire ex-husband.

Not only that, but Rossano must be having his doubts about his own attractiveness as well. After all, Donald Trump is clearly Ivana Trump’s type, so Rossano must know that on some level he shares some characteristics with Donald Trump, and that’s a hard piece of fact to live with. Someone give the poor man a medal.

Read more:

Ivana Trump Marries for the Fourth Time - People

We hate to tell you this, Pam, but you just gotta let some of those strays be put down, honey. We’ve had to do the same thing with several of Paris Hilton’s boyfriends. Just gotta let them go…

But now, Pamela Anderson finds herself doing the failed marriage thing again with that Rick Salomon guy she married. No, wait. Scratch that. She’s just getting an annulment this time,not a divorce. Oh, okay then. That’s much better.

Yes, children, once again Pamela Anderson reminds why you should listen to your mother and never let yourself sober up after marrying a loser because you wake up and realise that you’ve married a loser. Okay, we shouldn’t be too hard on the old girl because she has hepatitis from her first rocker husband so she can’t stay dead drunk all the time because it’s bad for her liver.

Anyway, for those of you keeping track at home, Pamela Anderson married and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Tommy Lee and also married to and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Kid Rock. Pamela Anderson headed to less greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top waters when she married slimy, pervy, home porno maker Rick Salomon. But, unfortunately that’s not going to work out either for some reason.

Of course, this isn’t the first Pamela Anderson/Rick Salomon divorce talk we’ve heard. Pammy already filed for divorce from Rick Salomon in December after two whole months of wedded horror. She then changed her mind a couple of days later. Then she hanged it again a few dozen more times.  

At any rate, Pamela Anderson appears to want out for real this time and trying to get her marriage to Rick Salomon annulled. She’s opting for an annulment as opposed to a divorce because everyone knows that it’s better to have two divorces and an annulment rather than three divorces because if you say you have three divorces people might think you really suck at making life decisions and can’t maintain a mature relationship.

So maybe marriage isn't the best hobby for Pamela Anderson to be involved in. Maybe she should just stick to the things she's good at like running on the beach in slow motion and, um…

Actually, that's about it.

Read more:  

Pamela Anderson Now Seeking Annulment - People

In fact, the way things are going, there's a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

When you marry a top-flight footballer, the instant luxury comes at a price – sure, you get to paint yourself bright orange and waddle around with a handbag expensive enough to support a normal family for two or three years, but it's almost guaranteed that at some point your husband will start banging other women and everyone will think you're a moron.

Look at when David Beckham reportedly had that affair with Rebecca Loos, or when Wayne Rooney was caught with that scabby old prostitute – both Victoria Beckham and Coleen McLoughlin decided to jam their fingers in their ears and trade whatever scraps of self-respect they had left for a collection of Ferragamo belts. And now it looks like Cheryl Cole's going to join that club too.

On Friday it was claimed that Cheryl Cole's footballer husband Ashley Cole had drunkenly had sex with 22-year-old Aimee Walton, breaking off the encounter now again to vomit on the carpet. And this was followed up by other reports that Ashley might have also cheated on Cheryl with a model called Brooke Healy and another girl. So, in the face of these allegations, it's only natural for Cheryl Cole to want to kick Ashley to the kerb as fast as she can, right?

Don't be daft – she wants to stick with Ashley. Cheryl told the News Of The World:

"I've been through an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm determined to be strong. Ashley's a wonderful husband and we ARE in love. I won't let this woman destroy our marriage… Obviously, I felt sick to the stomach. What woman and wife wouldn't? And to be honest I felt humiliated and crushed that this girl was saying these things and people were believing it. I don't want anybody to be angry with Ashley or to judge him—that's my job as his wife."

Yes, this is the same fiery Cheryl Cole who had an angry fight with Lily Allen over who had the biggest penis last year. The same Cheryl Cole who allegedly tried to beat up a nightclub toilet attendant because she looked at her funny. The same Cheryl Cole who you'd be honestly too scared to mess with for fear of having to pick your broken teeth off the floor with a dislocated arm afterwards.

And now she's meekly accepting reports that her husband might be a serial shagger just so she can she can continue being half of the Kwiksave Posh & Becks, even though just about everyone on the face of the planet is urging her to dump him as quickly as possible. Honestly, Cheryl can't have been this embarrassed since she was handed the lyric sheet for Something Kinda Ooooh.

Still, that 10/1 we were offering on a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce is starting to look like the bargain of the century, don't you think?

Read more:

Cheryl Cole Says She'll Stand By Ashley – News Of The World 

You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that's not true – at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by… no, wait, that's not true either.

What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can't buy class like that.

Everyone needs a hobby to help them unwind, whether it's needlework, watercolour painting or – in Amy Winehouse's case – freaking Snoop Dogg out by lobbing spaghetti around and slicing rugs into tiny pieces. But hobbies are only good so long as you can back them up by having a job, which is why Amy Winehouse has decided to go back to work after her drug overdose and subsequent rehab follies.

Last night Amy Winehouse kicked off her much-anticipated UK tour in Birmingham, and it was her big chance to show that – no matter what's going on in her life – she can put it all behind her and remind the world why people made such a fuss about her in the first place. Even though Amy Winehouse buggered up her Mobo performance, her MTV EMA performance and all manner of other appearances lately, by putting on a decent show Amy could finally prove that there's more to her than a tidal wave of tabloid headlines and dentistry that looks like it was performed by a madman with a rivet-gun.

Yeah, didn't happen. What did happen, though, was that Amy Winehouse was so shit that the crowd reportedly started walking out and booing her when she quit the stage mid-song. But, hey, at least Amy Winehouse had a snappy comeback for the audience:

"To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

We can't even imagine the logistics of setting one trilby-wearing man onto 13,000 people and coming out on top, but if anyone can arrange it, it's Amy Winehouse – just once she's stopped crying and staring into the middle distance and wailing like a cat being punched in the throat by a worn-down police siren and stuff.

But of course, with her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in jail for allegedly beating a man up until he needed metal plates put in his face and then offering him cash to leave the county, Amy Winehouse is bound to be more stressed than usual. Reports from last night's show say that Amy is very clearly feeling the effects of not having Blake around, dedicating a song to him and inserting the word 'Blake' or 'Blakey' into every single song.

And it's not just Amy Winehouse's performances that will suffer without Blake by her side – it's her whole life that'll suffer. For example, with no Blake around, who'll distract Amy Winehouse by instigating a razorblade fight whenever she's about to do a bunch of drugs with a prostitute? These are the important questions and no mistake.