There are always two sides to every story – even gormless, neverending stories about Hulk Hogan and his wife.

It’s true. Like, for instance, when Hulk Hogan recently said that he sympathises with wife-murderers because of how his estranged wife Linda Hogan is behaving, it was inevitable that Linda Hogan would put her side across. So therefore she’s claimed that their marriage failed because of Hulk Hogan’s constant marital indiscretions.

So just to reiterate, there are always two sides to every story. In this case those two sides are 1) Hulk Hogan is a twat and 2) Linda Hogan is a twat. There.

Nobody should have been surprised when Hulk Hogan declared that he sympathised with OJ Simpson – on the off-chance that OJ Simpson killed his wife – because of how much he hates his estranged wife Linda. After all, this is a man who has made a living from violence all his life. Well, pretend violence, anyway. Pretend violence and mock-deafness. And TV movies called Shadow Warriors II: Hunt for the Death Merchant. But mainly violence.

And we were certain that Linda Hogan wouldn’t have taken Hulk Hogan’s comments seriously. There’s absolutely no chance that Hulk Hogan would kill Linda Hogan – partly because he knows how much it’d jeopardise everything he’s worked for and partly because, judging by Linda Hogan’s leathery old neck skin, it’d take three solid days of hacking away at her with the world’s sharpest machete to even come close to denting, let alone slitting, her throat.

But still, the threat of being chopped to pieces by a bald orange man with sausagey arms is the perfect ammunition for Linda Hogan to fire back a shrieking, hysterical retaliatory statement about what an utter bellend Hulk Hogan is. So guess what she’s done. Go on, guess. MSNBC reports:

“Hulk’s serial cheating destroyed our marriage, our family and our future. Sadly, his recent comments remind us that his definition of fair is much different than what the law dictates,” Linda Hogan said in a statement released to Access Hollywood. Linda’s rep told Access, “Linda and her family are taking these recent homicidal comments seriously. Linda’s attorney Ray Rafool is weighing all options necessary to protect his client.”

As tiresome as this obviously is – especially since the Hulk Hogan/Linda Hogan divorce now seems to be into its 15th straight year – you can see why Linda Hogan has done this. Painting Hulk Hogan as a potential murderer by his own admission is bound to get her all kinds of leverage in the settlement negotiations. It might be cheap and massively distasteful, but she saw the opportunity and she took it.

And if we were Hulk Hogan we’d be bracing ourselves for more like this. For instance, ahead of the 1992 Royal Rumble we distinctly remember seeing Hulk Hogan look straight into the camera and rhetorically ask “Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” At the time we took it as a direct personal threat to our safety, and we’ve been living in fear ever since. Expect a call from our lawyers any day now, Hogan.

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