Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences. The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.
But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.
WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!
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It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?
Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.
By what you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.
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Fanboy idol Hugh Jackman knows when he puts on the mutton chops that he is onto a winner.
So much so that, now he’s back again as the Gillette razor clawed Wolverine, he’s barely made any effort to make this entry stick out from the rest of the franchise.
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There’s usually a very clear division between the two separate versions of Hugh Jackman, isn’t there?
There’s Stage Hugh Jackman and Screen Hugh Jackman. Screen Hugh Jackman is the one who’s angry, violent and prone to dropping to his knees and shouting “NOOOOO!” at the sky at the tiniest of provocations. And Stage Hugh Jackman is the flamboyant one, the one in the big silky blouses and spangly trousers and stuff.
Usually the two Hugh Jackmans never merge. But they did recently, when a phone went off during his latest play. You’ve never seen angry, slightly gay-seeming chiding like it.
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Here’s a killer pitch for you. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together. Sounds good, huh?
Wait, we’re not finished. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together… within the strict confines of the law. And nobody kills anyone. And nothing explodes. And there’s probably a lot of crying. And it’s not even a film, it’s a play. God, we take it all back. This is a rubbish pitch.
But it’s going to happen. Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are going to star in that exact play on Broadway. Not James Bond and Wolverine. Sorry.
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10 - Scientists discover the thing that will one day kill all of us – Geekologie
9 – Swine flu in Willow – a warning from history – Filmdrunk
8 - The most expensive beers in the whole world – Gunaxin
7 - 10 films banned in America - Iheartchaos.
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Every superhero has a weakness. Superman has kryptonite, Batman has young boys in capes and sexy leggings, and to beat Spider-Man all you really have to do is move your crime syndicate to a prairie. It really is that easy.
To defeat Wolverine, on the other hand, may take a little more work. After all, he’s got those steel fingers he always seems to cut things up with. How’s a person supposed to get around a weapon like that? The answer, of course, it that they can’t.
Pigs can though – especially Mexican pigs with runny noses and a burning fever.
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If you like looking at the hands and feet of Hollywood stars, there’s only one place to go – a mental hospital.
Or Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. But a mental hospital would probably make more sense, you creepy sod. Anyway, fans of seeing what some famous people’s hands look like have now got another reason to visit Grauman’s Chinese Theatre – because now they can see what Hugh Jackman‘s hands look like.
Because now Hugh Jackman’s hands and footprints have been immortalised in concrete there, alongside the notice ‘HUGH JACKMAN (you know, Hugh Jackman from Wolverine. Wolverine. It came out in 2009. No? Anyone?)’.
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