Articles tagged with: Hugh Hefner
Hugh Hefner Offers Kate Gosselin $400,000 For Something Moral And Upright
If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows. Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That's obvious. Her second show isn't as conventional. That's because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she'd be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags. We would watch that. What we wouldn't watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.
If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows. Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That's obvious. Her second show isn't as conventional. That's because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she'd be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags. We would watch that. What we wouldn't watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.
Hugh Hefner, Reincarnation, Paedophilia, Zeus
It's got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man. On top of that he's got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They're always hiding under kids' beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age - that's a lot of sleep he's skipping. It's probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one 'reincarnated' Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.
It's got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man. On top of that he's got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They're always hiding under kids' beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age - that's a lot of sleep he's skipping. It's probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one 'reincarnated' Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.
In Other News: A Girl With Big Boobs Gets Married
Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You've brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married. We're in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson's death was sad, it couldn't never stop something as profound as love. And, no, we don't really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that's not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don't? Good. Now shut up.
Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You've brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married. We're in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson's death was sad, it couldn't never stop something as profound as love. And, no, we don't really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that's not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don't? Good. Now shut up.
Kendra Wilkinson Is The Virgin Mary Or, Dunno, Something
OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn't the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper. However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she's pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day. And also because Kendra Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn't it?
OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn't the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper. However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she's pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day. And also because Kendra Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn't it?
Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Completely Different To Her Predecessors
See that headline? That's a complete lie - Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors. Sorry. We just thought that it'd make a nice change from you having to read the headline 'Hugh Hefner's New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits' for once. We were thinking of you, honest. But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend? Why it's Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and... no, actually that's it. Basically we're saying that if you removed Crystal Harris' hair and breasts, you'd essentially be left with a doorstop.
See that headline? That's a complete lie - Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors. Sorry. We just thought that it'd make a nice change from you having to read the headline 'Hugh Hefner's New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits' for once. We were thinking of you, honest. But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend? Why it's Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and... no, actually that's it. Basically we're saying that if you removed Crystal Harris' hair and breasts, you'd essentially be left with a doorstop.
Hef Says Merry Xmas Via Karissa And Kristina Shannon’s Norks
You can stick all this baby Jesus nonsense up your wazoo - nobody knows the true meaning of Christmas more that Hugh Hefner. And that's that Christmas is a time when even the world's most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who've had their boobs slathered with paint. And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that's exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do - Hugh's Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between 'smug' and 'kidnap victim'. God bless us, every one.
You can stick all this baby Jesus nonsense up your wazoo - nobody knows the true meaning of Christmas more that Hugh Hefner. And that's that Christmas is a time when even the world's most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who've had their boobs slathered with paint. And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that's exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do - Hugh's Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between 'smug' and 'kidnap victim'. God bless us, every one.
Now Kendra Wilkinson Breaks Hugh Hefner’s Mangy Old Heart
Hugh Hefner's girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate - it's almost as if withered octogenarians aren't sexy any more, isn't it. First Hugh Hefner's heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends - the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson - has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well. Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it's hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they'll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.
Hugh Hefner's girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate - it's almost as if withered octogenarians aren't sexy any more, isn't it. First Hugh Hefner's heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends - the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson - has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well. Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it's hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they'll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.
Hugh Hefner ‘High Maintenance’ Says Fake-Blonde Nudey Bimbo
When Hugh Hefner and Holly Madison split up, it darn-near destroyed our belief in relationships between people with a 54-year age gap. It hasn't, of course - which is why we've still got the horn for Fidel Castro - but it did come close. For the life of us, we couldn't work out why the pretty young topless model Playmate Holly Madison split up with a wrinkled old almost-dead pensioner like Hugh Hefner. And now we know. Speaking about the split, Holly Madison has said that she ended things with Hugh Hefner because he was so 'high maintenance'. And, coming from a woman who looks like she needs six hours each morning to paint herself exactly the right shade of orange transvestite, that must be really saying something.
When Hugh Hefner and Holly Madison split up, it darn-near destroyed our belief in relationships between people with a 54-year age gap. It hasn't, of course - which is why we've still got the horn for Fidel Castro - but it did come close. For the life of us, we couldn't work out why the pretty young topless model Playmate Holly Madison split up with a wrinkled old almost-dead pensioner like Hugh Hefner. And now we know. Speaking about the split, Holly Madison has said that she ended things with Hugh Hefner because he was so 'high maintenance'. And, coming from a woman who looks like she needs six hours each morning to paint herself exactly the right shade of orange transvestite, that must be really saying something.
