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CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.
‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:
“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”
Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne are one of the oddest celebrity couples around. She, a posho Daily Mail wet-dream and he, a balding slightly overweight impossibly toothed ball lobber. That said, Paul Abdul once advised that opposites attract, as she proved with her love affair with a rapping cartoon cat.
Warne, we’re told, is ‘quite the swordsman’, yet, this isn’t some tempestuous affair. Startlingly, it’s actually love. We’ve read about ‘love’. It sounds horrible.
And not only is it this ‘love’ thing, Liz Hurley is actually saying that this romance was love at first sight.
After rumours floated around the slebphere that Hugh Grant was to take over Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men (ostensibly, The Famous One On The Show), everyone scratched their heads and muttered about how little sense it made. Surely a programme like that needs someone more irritating than Hugh Grant?
Well, it seemed impossible, but CBS are weighing up an actor who is roughly a million times more grating than Charlie Sheen… and this actor can grind your gears without being a dead-eyed junky!
That’s right folks, the only man on Earth more irritating than Charlie Sheen is Ashton Kutcher (the stepson of 83 year old Demi Moore) has reportedly signed a deal to join the cast of the woeful sitcom when it returns for a ninth season.
Hugh ‘It’s All About The Twiglets’ Grant is, and take this with a whole lake of salt, apparently being touted as a replacement for Charlie Sheen in the abjectly awful and heavingly unfunny Two and a Half Men.
It would appear that the actor-turned-paparazzi snitch started to be courted around a month ago by CBS boss Les Moonves and President Nina Tassler, knowing that, for some reason, Americans just can’t get enough of posh Englishmen pratfalling and pulling worried faces constantly.
And, the good news for Grant is that, even if he stint only lasts for one season and he hates working on an American sitcom, he’ll be able to comfort himself with a cheque for $1 million. Per episode. Even more baffling is that Charlie Sheen was getting more than that per episode when he was on the show. With $1.25 million per show, it is hardly surprising he could buy suitcases filled with weapons grade cocaine when it took his fancy.
First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.
He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.
But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn’t like women with stupid accents.
Because that’s incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins – and now it’s been rumoured that he’s hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant.
And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
If you see Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley, you’re bound to want to take a picture of them.
That’s just basic logic at work – your choices are essentially limited to taking a picture of Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley or approaching them and saying “Hi, I really loved you in Music And Lyrics/ Passenger 57.” And only the very worst kind of pathological liar would think to do that last one.
But wait – don’t go taking pictures of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley without their permission, because they’ll sue you and win £58,000, which is what happened yesterday after a photo agency took their picture on holiday. The moral of this story is that Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley value their privacy, although clearly not enough to stop making films and doing modelling jobs. Even though everyone sort of wishes they would.
Although nobody knows what Andy Warhol was thinking when he made a screen print of Elizabeth Taylor's face in 1963, chances are it was probably "I just hope that one day this painting makes the stuttering git from Music And Lyrics rich."
And what do you know, it has. Last night Hugh Grant auctioned off the Andy Warhol screen print of his entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) in New York, and sold it for $23.7 million – seven times what he'd originally paid for it. Nobody knows what Hugh Grant will spend all this new Warhol money on – maybe he'll invest it back into art or try to develop a new kind of aerodynamic baked bean that flies better when you hurl it at a photographer – but the main thing is that it keeps Hugh Grant so busy that he doesn't get the chance to make any more films for a while.
