Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

That’s right kiddiekins! Tony Bennett is opening that old mouth of his and talking about 9/11. He says that the whole attack on the World Trade Centre (et al) is solely the fault of Americans themselves.

What, so they waved the planes into the side of the building?

Of course not. Bennett said to Howard Stern:

“I’m anti-war. It’s the lowest form of human behaviour.”

“To start a war in Iraq was a tremendous, tremendous mistake internationally.”

However, however, however… those pesky terrorists started it all, right?

“I don’t know about that. Who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right … They flew the plane in, but we caused it … We were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

But. Wait. Hang on a doggone minute. George W Bush wouldn’t have irritated anyone enough to make them want to retaliate, right? Those guys picked a fight with America and Bush went after ‘em… right? What? Bush told you otherwise?

“He told me personally that night … ‘I think I made a mistake.’”

At least these comments didn’t come on the back of the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

Ah yes. They did. This makes Tony Bennett the celebsphere’s grouchy ol’ grandparent who can’t be bothered to keep their mouth shut anymore and just says exactly what they think.

It’s brilliant.

Now, all we have to do is to wait for our American cousins to start running their mouths off like Bennett just burned a flag and wiped his dick on the Bill of Rights (which, incidentally, should be Tony Bennett’s next PR stunt).

And while you’re shouting and hopping mad, remember, this is all your own stupid fault.

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American Idol newbie Ellen DeGeneres (who has a name containing more Es than Lil Wayne’s tour bus) and head honcho Simon Cowell have reportedly fallen out behind the scenes of the talent show.

Apparently the frostiness between the pair began after Cowell pitched up an hour and a half late for the first day of Ellen’s tenure as a judge on the show. Problems have worsened recently because – and get this – Ellen thinks that Simon Cowell is quite rude to some of the contestants at times. He’s kept that quiet hasn’t he? How has no one noticed before?

Presumably Elleeeene Deegeneresee has also been surprised at how high-waisted his trousers are, how flat his hair is and how, if you drop something, that object will fall to the ground.

She has been quoted as saying that she believes he has cranked up the insults since her arrival because he knows that she doesn’t like it and he “actually enjoys pissing her off”.

The pair were originally seated next to each other but have since been separated. And if something like that happens, THEY MUST HATE EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

Let’s not have it be said that hecklerspray is a cynical entertainment website, but with this year’s calibre of contestant being less than impressive, it is quite handy for producers to have a hook, isn’t it?

Not content with an apparent feud with a current judge, Ellen is also involved in a row with a potential future judge. Shock Jock (you have to precede his name with those two words) Howard Stern‘s name has been mooted as a replacement for Cowell, much to the chagrin of the E-hoarding DeGeneres. Although you can see why after he said on his radio show, “I wouldn’t work with that fucking dummy on that karaoke show”.

These little stories must be made up, I mean – if you worked on American Idol, it’s Randy Jackson that you’d hate isn’t it, Dawg?

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Fans of very specific, slightly nauseating, lesbian pornography get ready – Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are going to get it on!

Well, look, OK, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck obviously aren’t going to get it on at all, but that hasn’t stopped Rosie O’Donnell calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck ‘very attractive’ during an interview with Howard Stern yesterday.

We’ll get to the details in a moment, but for now let’s just mourn the fact that Rosie and Elisabeth aren’t able to genetically create their own child – because it’d have to be part O’Donnell and part Hasselbeck, and we could earn all sorts of money running a book on whether it’d come out fat and intolerant or skinny and paranoid.

Ever since her tenure at The View ended up with a blazing row and nobody wanted her to host The Price Is Right, Rosie O’Donnell has been existing in a diminished capacity lately. She’s given up booze and hung out with Cyndi Lauper a bit, but not a whole lot else. And now we know why.

Because Rosie O’Donnell is too busy daydreaming about her former crackpot right-wing co-host of The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck. So far Rosie’s got the daydream where they’re feeding each other strawberries in a sun-dappled meadow, the daydream where Elisabeth is rescuing Rosie from a burning building to the sound of I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner and the daydream where they’re both covered in oil and going hammer and tongs at each other with gigantic strap-on dildos on a revolving bed in a sex dungeon on a yacht.

It’s true – Rosie O’Donnell has confessed to Howard Stern that the very thought of Elisabeth Hasselbeck screeching on about the evils of abortion in her dreadful rape-alarm voice gets her so horny that she has to go and rub her crotch up and down on the corner of the nearest municipal building before she explodes.

Or, in a more truthful explanation, Howard Stern pestered Rosie O’Donnell on his radio show until she eventually admitted that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is sort of OK-looking for a hateful witch. Access Hollywood reports:

“Wouldn’t it have been the ultimate accomplishment to take this conservative girl and turn her, so to speak?… Were you not attracted to Elisabeth Hasselbeck?” Howard asked. “When you look at her physically, you don’t want her?” “See, the want is the big thing,” Rosie explained. “I find her very attractive. She’s very attractive, I think.” “Her body is perfect,” Stern commented. “Have you ever seen her biceps?” Rosie responded.

See? We knew it! That time Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck had a screaming argument on The View, it was all down to pent-up sexual tension. If there had been any justice, the fight would have ended with Rosie and Elisabeth sweeping the papers off The View‘s desk and making out with each other with tongues on top of it for like half an hour. It would have been like that porno we saw once, Disgusting Mind-Scarring Lesbians That Nobody Finds Sexy At All 4, we think it was called. It was hot.

Anyway, we were just kidding about the fight being down to sexual tension, because that’d mean that Rosie O’Donnell wanted to sleep with everyone she had a feud with. And god knows people have gone mad for less than imagining Rosie having a three-way with Donald Trump and Hulk Hogan.

Dolly Parton has said plenty in the past, but never anything about Kenny Rogers’ beard smelling like boy cum.

However, anyone listening to Howard Stern‘s radio show last week might have got that impression. Last Tuesday Howard Stern broadcast clips from Dolly Parton’s newest audiobook, chopped up to make Dolly say all kinds of obscene things – with the line about Kenny Rogers beard probably ranking among the least offensive.

But when Dolly Parton heard about this, she was so appalled that she wrote a lengthy angry statement on her website about exactly how offended she was. Which meant that we could go onto YouTube, find a copy of Stern’s bit and publish it for you lot after the jump. We’d have never known it existed otherwise, so thanks Dolly!

Dolly Parton doesn’t deserve any ill will from anyone. She’s helping children in crap British towns learn to read, she recently suffered from tit-related back pain and she starred in the movie Steel Magnolias. OK, so maybe Dolly Parton does deserve a little bit of ill will for that, actually.

But ill will to the extent where voice clips of her are edited to say “One night I lifted Burt Reynolds’ nuts and ate his gross filthy shitbox”? Dolly Parton doesn’t seem to think so.

You see, last Tuesday Howard Stern – still reeling from the time his violent friend went mental and resigned on air - broadcast some smartly-edited clips from Dolly Parton’s new audiobook that made her say, well look, it made her say this. Be warned that the video below is thoroughly offensive and shouldn’t be listened to by anyone with ears…

Hey, it’s just like a really rubbish version of Cassetteboy! And, despite being very obviously fake – even by Howard Stern’s own admission – it hasn’t stopped Dolly Parton explaining at length that she’s never even put her mouth anywhere near Burt Reynolds’ shitbox. Dolly wrote:

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

Obviously we can see Dolly Parton’s point – as a country and western artist she knows her fans aren’t the shiniest buttons in the box, and some of them probably believed that Dolly Parton really was spouting off all those obscenities in her book.

That’s why she’s had to explain the concept of editing to them, much as she did with the title of her early album This Is Just A Recording So Stop Pulling Your Radio Apart Trying To Find Me, You Clueless Bloody Hicks.

Read more:

Stern With Stern – Dolly Parton

We’ve always said that the problem with radio is that not enough fat people get violently angry and try to attack people on air.

So god bless Howard Stern‘s tubby and slightly psychotic-seeming sidekick Artie Lange for having an honestly disturbing argument with his assistant, before apparently trying to attack him and then resigning, all live on air. It’s what we’ve wanted to happen to Chris Moyles for years. Hats off to you, Artie Lange, you crazy, crazy bastard.

And, yes, we’ve got the whole of Artie Lange’s berserkoid meltdown after the jump.

This is the difference between Britain and America – in America, radio shows are in part hosted by aggressive chainsmoking overweight ex-convicts with debilitating cocaine and heroin addictions, while in Britain they’re hosted by Jo Whiley. America sounds better, to be honest.

And as far as aggressive chainsmoking overweight ex-convicts with debilitating cocaine and heroin addictions go, none were better than Howard Stern’s sidekick Artie Lange, for he was fatter and more aggressive than everyone else put together. We say was – technically he is still fat and aggressive, but he just isn’t Howard Stern’s sidekick any more.

That’s because, at some point during yesterday’s show, Artie Lange got into a fight with his assistant that spilled out into the studio, ended up with Artie Lange apparently trying to attack the assistant and then caused Lange’s immediate on-air resignation. Which, it’s fair to say, sounds slightly more exciting than The Archers. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Comedian Artie Lange quit his 7-year-run as Howard Stern’s sidekick during a violent outburst on Thursday’s Sirius Satellite Radio broadcast… The incident appears to have left the “shock jock” Stern stunned. Replays of the show scheduled throughout Thursday were replaced with programming from earlier in the week. “I’m flabbergasted … Artie is clearly out of control with this,” Stern said on the air after Lange charged after his assistant in what the comic claimed was a dispute over money. “That was crazy what I just saw. I don’t understand it. I don’t approve of it and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.”

But that’s enough reading for you. You want to hear Artie Lange going going apeshit and resigning on air, don’t you. Well, OK, here it is – Artie Lange’s meltdown in all its glory.

Personally, we can’t see what the problem is – if a grown man can’t call his employee a motherfucker and try to attack him in front of millions of listeners then can he really call himself a man?

However, this weird on-air incident has left Howard Stern with the problem of finding a suitable replacement for Artie Lange. He’ll need to find someone who’ll effortlessly slip into Artie Lange’s old role and have the same kind of persona and attitudes. And that’ll be hard, because foul-mouthed crack-addicted grizzly attack-bears have been quite hard to come by since the fall of the Soviet Union.

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Howard Stern’s sidekick quits show - CST