Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.

Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.

Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.

Still, Cruise will be playing a character called Stacee Jaxx (RAWK!) in the Hollywood version of the Broadway play, meaning he’ll be strapping on some leather trousers and cracking out his best Lulu impression to hit some of rock’s classic tracks.

Apparently, singing is more terrifying than any stunt he’s ever performed. Even that one where he climbs a mountain without any safety harnesses wearing a horrible pair of sunglasses. Or the one where he punches a helicopter out of the air (stay tuned for Ghost Protocol). He told the LA Times:

“They all have their risks.”

Most things do. The actor shied away from thanking Aliens or Master Hubbard for his “god”-given musical talent, instead deciding to thank his earthly oracle and How I Met Your Mother guest star- Katie Holmes-Cruise:

“I had started dancing because I was inspired by my wife. She kept saying, ‘You’ve got to do a musical sometime’.

“Kate’s a dancer, so she would say, ‘Let’s go to dance class’, and she would take us and that’s how I kind of came up with the idea of Les Grossman doing hip-hop. And then to take it to this level with this? It was really fun.”

It better be, Tom. It better be.

How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?

No?

How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.

We suppose some apologies should be given to Katie’s owner, Tom Cruise.

We’re not actually accusing the mother of your child of cheating on you while wearing a giant vegetable on her head (although, this is a very specific interest of ours and if you have any photos you’d like to swap with us, do get in touch), but rather, talking about a job she’s taken.

Apparently, Mrs. Cruise has been allowed out of the house long enough to get herself a nice part-time job and she’s agreed to play a promiscuous Jack-O-Lantern in a Halloween special of the pretty lousy (but not oddly likeable) How I Met Your Mother.

You know the one. The one with Dougie Howser in and that guy from Forgetting Sarah Jessica Parker or whatever it was called.

If you didn’t know – and why would you? You have the attention span of a nauseous gnat – the Slutty Pumpkin is a character that is wheeled out as a potential love interest Ted, to be bumped into at a Halloween party.

Or something. We weren’t paying attention either.

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America. Bless you for the insanely good things you’ve given the world. Muscle cars, hamburger joints, rock ‘n’ roll and television will always be your crowning glory and us Limeys will forever be in your debt.

However, your taste in television shows is awful. From a country (nay, virtual continent) that gave us Taxi, The Simpsons, M*A*S*H, Roots, Ren & Stimpy, The Muppet Show and more, what in Christ’s name are you doing frittering away your time with dross like Two And A Half Men?

Seriously. What’s with liking Two And A Half Men so much that it breaks network records? Eh? And don’t think we haven’t noticed how much you enjoy the unswerving dreck of The Big Bang Theory.

For some inexplicable reason, 28.74 million Americans tuned in to watch last night’s season premiere of Two And A Half Men.

Of course, there was a fair amount of curiosity surrounding the show because Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, was killed off, replaced by a soaking wet Ashton Kutcher. Nearly 29 million people actively stopped doing something to settle down with one of the worst TV shows ever aired.

The AV Club report that, aside from a few post-Super Bowl specials and couple of event programmes, last night’s …Men was one of highest rated scripted shows, ever. Ever, ever, ever. By the close of the show, audience figures grew to 30 million.

That’s lazy laughs from vaguely dirty jokes and a cast that is as dead behind the eyes as the Sheen which exited the show in such spectacular fashion.

Two And A Half Men is the kinda show that feels like a nursing home for misogynistic comedy, where we see three men resenting each other, filmed before a live laugh-track. Of course, some people love shows like this. They’re so insultingly one-dimensional and old-fashioned that they slip on like a comfortable pair of old socks.

But these rat-a-tat comedies keep gurgling out of America. Look at the irksome How I Met Your Mother fercryinoutloud! The aforementioned Big Bang… which has a running joke of Look How The Indian Character Talks Funny.

In Blighty, we air these shows in the mornings or tucked away on bit-part channels like E4. That’s the home for this dull-ass gag attacks. That’s not to say we’ve not been infected by this lowest common denominator comedy. My Family is written by an American style team of writers and, regrettably, The Inbetweeners is also ploughing the line of misogynistic nose-bag that everyone so loved in the ’70s.

All the mentioned shows employ a tactic of throwing as much as possible at a viewer and seeing what sticks. Effectively, it’s like standing before a muck spreader and waiting to be hit by a diamond.

Alas, with a huge chunk of America’s TV population tuning in for the new Two And A Half Men, you can’t but feel like they’ve invited it. The United States gets what it wants and, in this instance, the Ashton Kutcher they deserve.

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You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got  mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it’s time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.

It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called What To Expect When You’re Expecting – a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What’s that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel – but fair point, guys. Fair point.

On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl’s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone’s favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone’s second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.

These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:

“She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.”

Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It’s going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we’re all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.

Citizen Kane 2, anyone?

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How I Met Your Mother’s popularity has been, quite appropriately, infectious like some sort of venereal disease. Taking the template of Friends and leaving the casting of the ‘Rachel’ character an ongoing mystery has managed to ensnare the attention of young whatnots across the land.

Season 5 shows no sign of slowing things down, indulging in this hump stage – like most US sitcoms do –by throwing some extra cameos into the mix, flapping their proverbial arms for attention like an annoying child.

Jennifer Lopez, Rachel Bilson and Chris Kattan all duke it out for the converted title of ‘Most Outdated Celebrity’.

We’re being harsh, though, as beyond its derivative appearance lies one of the funnier sitcoms to seep from the good ol’ US of A in sometime.

Barney, Ted, Lily, Robin and Marshall all have their fair share of high jinks and Season 5 doesn’t skimp on the chuckles.

With Barney and Robin now together, Ted a teacher and Marshall and Lily being, well, a couple, the wheels are set in place for some obvious comedy lovelyness.

Canada gets a poking, Barney’s sexcapades continue and, like when the show is at its best, its represents friendship at its best/worst.

Before you all fall into seizure from an overload of schmaltz, check out the DVD extras for a selection of commentaries, outtakes and deleted scenes, all geared to tickle your funny bones in that nice way you like it.

How I Met Your Mother may be full of flimsy cardboard characters, but there’s still life left before they begin to get soggy around the edges.

‘Spray Rating: 4/5

We’re fairly certain that you are familiar with the American sitcom How I Met Your Mother – after all, it is on E4. Unfortunately, this means that the show is constantly forced into your eye-holes to the point where you are repulsed even by the sight of your own mother.

If you’re not up to speed, then let us enlighten your Friday afternoon. HIMYM, apart from its incongruous title, is a rather excellent show about a man named Ted (Josh Radner), who is explaining to his future children how he met their mother. Instead of just jabbering on for a few minutes and cutting to the chase, he talks about his churlish escapades with his friends Robin (Cobie Smulders), Marshall (Jason Segal), Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) and Lily (Alyson Hannigan).

So fear not children of the UK, for you are tied down to vicious TV scheduling no longer, as season 3 of the show is out on DVD now. Oh, and look, we’ve only gone and got an exclusive clip for you, you lucky things. It’s Josh Radner (Ted) talking about his favourite episode of the show. Check it out after the jump…

Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Naked and bare feet, naked and socks.

Folded:

• Batman: Arkham Asylum (most immersive game since GTA IV. If we did stars we’d give it five)
• Susan Sarandon for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (ni-ice)
• Buttery toilet rolls (screw recession, live like a Bright Young Thing – treat yo ass)
• Kirsten Dunst promotes this season’s radioactive bubblegum look (she should dress like this all the time)
• Christoph Waltz (see Inglourious Basterds and see what we mean)

Creased:

• E4 showing off about landing How I Met Your Mother (who hasn’t seen this show already? Still it’s probably the only U.S. comedy export the channel will show this year that hasn’t already been cancelled)
• Shia LaBeouf for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (obvious)
• Gmail goes offline (nobody notices)
• She Wolf by Shakira (she may be as cute as a button, but this song makes even the crazy contorting video too much to sit through)
• Kanye West (believing his own hype again. Bye-bye reality)

Mentally-wayward popstars appearing on desperately mediocre American sitcoms is a bit like buses, isn’t it.

You go years without seeing, say, Syd Barrett cameo on Home Improvement, and then suddenly Britney Spears decides to appear on How I Met Your Mother twice in quick succession, thus making her identical to a bus in that one unconvincing respect.

Yes, we know that we’ve hardly stopped yammering on about Britney Spears returning to How I Met Your Mother, but this time it’s official – a contract has been written and Britney Spears has either signed it or wiped a dirty finger along the bottom of it because she’s still not allowed near anything as sharp as a pen yet. Whichever one is true, the deal’s been done.

If you haven’t ever seen How I Met Your Mother – and we’d guess we’re speaking to the majority of you here – the show revolves around the conceit of an old man describing his youth to some children in flashback with the intent of explaining how he met their mother, and the audience has to slowly guess who their mother is as well. It’s a bit like The Jeremy Kyle Show, only slower and not as funny.

Anyway, the chances of Britney Spears being the mother have just doubled. It’s still a fairly unlikely proposition, though, because the children in the show can speak in full sentences, don’t exclusively eat Doritos and live in a house instead of a grotty trailer. It’s clues like this that you have to look out for.

Why have Britney Spears’ chances just doubled? Because she’s only officially signed up to make her big How I Met Your Mother return after weeks of speculation, as The Associated Press reports:

Britney Spears, who proved she’s worth a cool million viewers to “How I Met Your Mother,” is paying another visit to the CBS sitcom. Spears will reprise her role as bubbly secretary Abby in the May 12 episode, CBS said Monday. “We’re all so thrilled to have Britney joining us once again,” series executive producer and co-creator Craig Thomas said in a statement. “And just to head it off at the pass this time around: Yes, Mom, Britney’s very nice and no, I can’t get her autograph for you,” Thomas added, jokingly.

No wonder, really – last time Britney Spears appeared on How I Met Your Mother the show received its highest-ever ratings. True, having Britney Spears appearing on a sitcom a few weeks after she was taken to a psychiatric hospital reeks of opportunistic stunt-casting, but getting a few more viewers to watch a TV show is probably more important than a young woman’s mental health, all said.

One person who’ll either be thrilled or mortified about Britney’s return to How I Met Your Mother is Neil Patrick Harris, who recently seemed to say that having Britney on the show was a stupid idea.

He’s since backtracked like mad over the claims, but that hasn’t stopped Britney Spears from inserting a contractual obligation stating that one full third of her new How I Met Your Mother episode should involve her jabbing her nicotine and Cheezum-stinking tongue into Neil Patrick Harris’ mouth over and over again as a nasty lesson about dissing her in public. Probably.

Read more:

Spears reprises guest role on CBS’ ‘Mother’ – AP

So it seems that Britney Spears really is going to appear in How I Met Your Mother again – which is great news for everyone except Neil Patrick Harris.

That’s because, after last time Britney Spears was on How I Met Your Mother, her co-star Neil Patrick Harris told everyone that it was just a stupid piece of stunt-casting that made everyone look silly, although he now claims that his statements were taken out of context.

And now that it’s all but official that Britney Spears will make a second appearance on the show, Neil Patrick Harris has made his point of view absolutely clear – he’d be thrilled to have Britney Spears back on How I Met Your Mother, because ethically-dubious stunt-casting is the only thing keeping the poxy show afloat at the moment. We’re paraphrasing slightly.

For a show that’s about as funny as sand, How I Met Your Mother is getting all kinds of stupid attention at the moment, and that’s all down to Britney Spears. Before Britney Spears appeared on How I Met Your Mother, it was mostly known as that show that hardly anyone watched because it wasn’t especially funny. But now How I Met Your Mother is known as that show that hardly anyone watches unless Britney Spears is in it, in which case they’ll watch out of a ghoulish sense of curiosity and nothing more.

However, the thought of Britney Spears returning to How I Met Your Mother has created all sorts of hilarious tensions between those involved in the show, in particular Neil Patrick Harris. When first asked about Britney’s return, Neil Patrick Harris was all like “Ugh, no way. She’s such a massive whore.” We’re paraphrasing.

Harris quickly backtracked when the story was published, saying that everything he said was taken out of context and that actually he thought Britney Spears was the greatest actor since Olivier. Again, paraphrasing.

But it was a good job that Neil Patrick Harris did backtrack like a useless girl, because now it looks like Britney Spears really is returning to How I Met Your Mother whether he likes it or not. So now would really be the perfect time for him to make it completely clear that he’s actually all for Britney Spears appearing on his show again and that she’s wonderful and that she definitely shouldn’t attack him with her fists the instant she arrives on set again. OK! reports:

“I don’t know if it’s true or not,” he tells Extra. “Nothing has been confirmed to me in any way, but we would be so lucky to have her. She was great fun the first time.” And though he’s been on the record to OK! about what a distraction it was to have the pop superstar on HIMYM, the former Doogie Howser star claims that it’s all been taken out of context. “I’ve said all along that she was great on the show and she was and she was fun to be around,” he continues.

Of course, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what Neil Patrick Harris’ real problem with Britney Spears is – he’s worried that if he spends too long around her, they’ll both fall madly in love. And, face it, if a mentally ill woman who’s legally too dangerous to look after her own children can’t turn a gay man straight, then what can?

Read more:

Neil Patrick Harris: “We’d Be Lucky to Have Britney Back” – OK

The all singing, all dancing, bald, umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the world’s media Britney Spears is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you – as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

You can lie back, close your eyes, get very, very sleepy and relax all your attention – all your being – toward her and vainly attempt to avoid orgasm as she washes you from head to toe with the benevolent waves of her acting ability and general mindset.

Britney Spears is returning to How I Met Your Mother.

A source tells People:

“The show is ecstatic and so is Britney. She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more.”

Britney Spears will do one episode, so the source says, but Fox studios would not confirm the appearance. They’re no doubt praying that they’ll get to confirm soon though, what with them being Fox – a TV network that actually managed to turn The Simpsons into the cheapest show on earth! The unparalleled bastards of ineptitude!

Cast member Jason Segel said:

“She was hilarious in the table-read, and I got to see her do the run-through as well, and she was great.”

That’s nice. But how about the other co-stars, such as Neil Patrick Harris, who will be disgusted by the news, as he is a man totally opposed to any form of ‘stunt casting’.

However, Neil Patrick Harris will no doubt be absolutely delighted by the news, a man totally in agreement with compromising the integrity of the show’s entire oeuvre in order to get better ratings. Hwa-tcsh! Dance piggy, dance!

Why not read a book instead, dear readers? Or scratch your bollocks for half hour? Or kill yourself (to death, perhaps)?

Anything else.

Read More – Britney Returning To How i Met Your Mother – People

Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article which suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother by saying what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

Let’s delve deeper. Why on one day would someone say: “I mean, viewership is not our game. It’s the network and the studio’s game, you know”, and then the next day say: “Look, that episode garnered our highest ratings of the season — I would never ignore or disrespect that fact”?

It really is just so strange. What do you think might have happened? We just can’t figure it out. To help you decide, here is yesterday’s Neil Patrick Harris quote, in all it’s glory:

“I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed. I worry that if they start `Will and Grace-ing’ us too much, that the show will suffer. And we’re all really proud of the content of the show. I mean, viewership is not our game. the network and the studio’s game, you know. It’s the promotion department’s game… We wish we weren’t opposite an awkward reality dancing competition. But we have no say about that. I just am a real fan of our content. I think we have a great show going, and I hope it’s not screwed up by the desire for 700,000 more viewers.”

And here is today’s Neil Patrick Harris quote, in all it’s glory:

“It seems that yesterday a writer took some quotes of mine and speculated an opinion about their intent. I write to you to set the record straight. As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby. Look, that episode garnered our highest ratings of the season — I would never ignore or disrespect that fact. I am just very protective of our show, and its content. I have a high standard of quality, and hope to maintain it on every level. Television is big business, I understand that. I have great faith in our casting department, as well as [Twentieth Century Fox Television] and CBS, to find the appropriate person for every role on our show. I was remiss in speculating otherwise. My job description is to act, and I should really do just that. Britney Spears fits into our make-believe world very well — if she chose to return I can only imagine that Carter [Bays], Craig [Thomas], and the rest of the writers would create a humdinger of a storyline for her. We should be so lucky.”

Wait – shhh! Did anybody hear that? It sounded suspiciously like a corporate whip cracking across some jumped-up actor’s arse. You know the sound we mean? Don’t worry, if you don’t, it was probably all in our heads anyway. Just read on and find out:

At first, the Associated Press stood by their story. AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington said:

“I respect his right to change his stance, but…Neil Patrick Harris told us unequivocally that he did not believe that Britney should be on the show.”

But, a few hours later, the AP had also seemingly changed their mind. Jesse Washington stated:

“We’re issuing a clarification to our story. Harris did not say that he opposed a return engagement for Spears, and our lead said that he did.”

What the hell is going on here? Can’t anyone just say what they mean first time? What kind of a world do we live in if we can’t trust an TV actor and an entertainment editor to get their facts straight? A bloody horrible world! A world run by ‘leads’ who run amok, anonymously stirring up shit and then anonymously taking the blame.

But luckily for you, the editors of this particular entertainment website don’t fuck about. If we say we’re unequivocal, then we will remain that way, so suck on this equivocation you fickle fucks:

Neil Patrick Harris is man who, for a second, believed his bollocks were bigger than they were and, for a second, gained the respect of hecklerspray for speaking some well thought out truths, but ultimately is nothing more than a corporate shill pussy who needs to shut up and know his place in the world – as a rubbish actor in a rubbish TV show watched by rubbish people in a rubbish world.

At least, that’s what our lead told us, before he scampered off with a cheeky grin on his face. We’d like to issue the following statement:

“We’re issuing a clarification to our story. Harris is not a a corporate shill, or a pussy, or a rubbish actor. He is a top, top man and we love him and wish him and his show all the best.”

God, that whip smarts.

Read More – Update: Neil Patrick Harris clarifies his Britney Spears Remark, AP then clarifies its story – Hollywood Insider

If CBS had its way then How I Met Your Mother would become the Britney Spears Laffs & Distressing Outburst Hour.

But How I Met Your Mother‘s Neil Patrick Harris isn’t having any of it. He’s decided to speak out about the idea of making Britney Spears a How I Met Your Mother regular, because growing an audience naturally is much better than shocking viewers into watching by parading unwell megastars around in front of them every week.

Hear hear Neil Patrick Harris – finally, someone with the balls to speak out against this increasing over-reliance on chasing ratings through cheat stunt casting. Mediocre sitcoms that people only really watch because they’re lazy and nothing else is on, you now have your champion.

Britney Spears is now safely under the care of her father, who so far seems to have done an extraordinarily good job of keeping her out of the limelight to recover from her recent patch of mental illness in private. Which is good for her Britney Spears, but shit for the rest of us.

Because, now that Britney Spears is – ugh – getting better and – bleurgh – behaving normally again, do you know who we have to rely on for stories about alarming celebrity behaviour? Do you? Vanilla Ice, that’s who. Vanilla fucking Ice. Thanks a lot Britney Spears, you arsehole.

But when Britney Spears does briefly poke her head out of the rabbit hole, all hell breaks loose. For instance, Britney Spears was recently on How I Met Your Mother. On one episode of How I Met Your Mother. For less than three minutes in total. But from this barely-extended walk-on on a show that not a whole lot of people usually watch anyway came an avalanche of speculation.

First people were clamouring to give Britney an Emmy for the appearance and then, based on the fact that a few million extra rubberneckers watched the show when she was on it, people starting talking about Britney Spears becoming a How I Met Your Mother regular.

But enough is enough. Neil Patrick Harris – who plays adorably underage doctor Doogie Houser MD on How I Met Your Mother – has said that if Britney Spears becomes a regular on the show then he’ll run through the set killing indiscriminately before turning the gun on himself. We’re paraphrasing. According to the Associated Press, Neil Patrick Harris actually said:

“I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed. I worry that if they start `Will and Grace’-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. And we’re all really proud of the content of the show. I mean, viewership is not our game. It’s the network and the studio’s game, you know. It’s the promotion department’s game… We wish we weren’t opposite an awkward reality dancing competition. But we have no say about that. I just am a real fan of our content. I think we have a great show going, and I hope it’s not screwed up by the desire for 700,000 more viewers.”

However much sense Neil Patrick Harris is making here, we can see the other side of the argument as well. Britney Spears would bring a brand new audience to How I Met Your Mother, and – if handled correctly – could really take the show to the next level.

Also, if Britney Spears doesn’t become a regular on How I Met Your Mother, then where else is she going to be able to make public appearances? Nowhere, that’s where. If Britney Spears loses How I Met Your Mother then none of us will ever see or hear from her ever again.

Actually, maybe Neil Patrick Harris does have a point…

Read more:

Neil Patrick Harris: Say No to Britney! – AP

Britney Spears made a huge impression on the set of How I Met Your Mother, and not just because she rubbed her vagina against a plywood set wall until she wore a hole in it.

In fact, since Britney Spears a) gave How I Met Your Mother its highest-ever ratings and b) managed to get through her entire cameo without puking directly into Doogie Houser's eyes, the show's producers have come up with a brainwave.

They want Britney Spears to be on How I Met Your Mother all the time. No joke.

How I Met Your Mother used to be just another mediocre, barely-watched sitcom. But now How I Met Your Mother is so much more than that – it's the mediocre, barely-watched sitcom that everyone watched that one episode of because Britney Spears was in it briefly.

And, let's be fair, Britney Spears delivered bigstyle in her role. Thanks to her stint in the mental hospital and the fact that she's still deemed too batshit to even see her own children, expectations were so low that when Britney Spears didn't break down in tears in the middle of a sentence or demand to play her character as a squawking British woman or smash up the set with an umbrella, people were actually quite impressed with her performance.

Not just that, but Britney Spears gave How I Met Your Mother its highest-ever audience. And a bigger audience means more advertisers. And more advertisers mean more money. And more money means that some people in the television business want How I Met Your Mother to become the Everyone Watch Britney Spears' Fragile Rehabilitation In Gut-Wrenching Close Up! Featuring The Ginger Girl From Buffy! show. Associated Press reports:

"We always said, 'You know, if her character pops, we'll bring her back,'" [executive producer] Carter Bays told The Associated Press on Thursday. "I thought she was great. I was very proud of that episode." On the following episode, which aired Monday, the show introduced a "mystery woman" who's been sabotaging Barney's usually successful attempts to pick up ladies. Asked if Spears might turn out to be the saboteur, Bays said: "Could be. There's no reason why not." He also suggested actress Sarah Chalke, who guest starred alongside Spears.

Sarah Chalke? Rubbish! She's just an actress! Who wants to watch that? Hey Sarah, come back when you've called yourself the devil and tried to hang yourself, OK sweetheart?

In all seriousness, though, a recurring role on a sitcom might be just what Britney Spears needs. The discipline and routine that goes with making a weekly TV show would be the perfect way to keep Britney Spears on the straight and narrow. It's fool-proof – just look at Britney Spears' own sister. She had her own sitcom and, um, well… never mind. Bad example.

But still, if How I Met Your Mother is famous for one thing – other than ridiculous stunt casting that exploits the mentally unwell – it that it gives people a second chance. People used to only know Alyson Hannigan as Buffy The Vampire Slayer's ginger lesbian mate until How I Met Your Mother, and the same goes for Neil Patrick Harris and Doogie Houser. Maybe How I Met Your Mother can do the same for Britney Spears. The show's weird transformative properties could mean that in the future we don't see Britney Spears as a dangerous unwell casualty of fame, but a a bitpart actress in a sitcom that nobody really watches.

We'd be OK with that.

Read more:

Will Britney Spears Return to 'Mother'? – Associated Press 

As we all know, on How I Met Your Mother on Monday night, Britney Spears managed to get through about 10 lines without crying or showing anyone her vagina.

So it goes without saying that Britney Spears will probably get nominated for an Emmy for it. Seriously.

Since the Britney Spears episode got How I Met Your Mother its highest-ever ratings, there's now a bundle of genuine speculation that Britney Spears will snag an Emmy nomination for it. Which we're fine with, so long as the Emmys open a new category entitled Best Transparent Stunt Casting Of A Mentally Ill Celebrity To Revive A Mostly Rubbish Sitcom. And even then it'll be a toss-up between Britney and Franz Kafka's rib-tickling turn on According To Jim.

There's something really odd about the way that self-destructive celebrities are given awards. What's that? Amy Winehouse has been taped smoking crack a couple of months after she almost died from a drug overdose? Quick, someone give her a Grammy. What's that? Naomi Campbell has punched a boat to splinters with her fists? Quick, someone give her a, um, actually, Naomi Campbell doesn't really win awards, does she? Bad example, let's move on.

And now it looks like history might just repeat itself. A couple of months ago, the only awards that Britney Spears could have possibly won were the Most Disturbing Dance Teacher award and a prize for being the only person in history who does a British accent worse than Don Cheadle. But now? Now Britney Spears has been on a mediocre sitcom for about 15 seconds, so it's only right she should get an Emmy for it.

Even though the cast of How I Met Your Mother would only admit to being 'quite impressed' with Britney Spears' cameo on Monday's show, by and large TV critics have fallen over themselves to praise Britney's performance in what we can only assume to be a heavy-handed overcompensation for the kicking she gets from other parts of the media. And, yes, that means there's Emmy talk. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Emmy voters love to hail stunt casting in those guest-acting categories. Often when big-name stars condescend to visit the boob tube, they get rewarded with nominations just, so it seems, for showing up — like Brad Pitt did when he accepted an invite for turkey dinner on "Friends"… Now consider all of the people who tuned in to see Britney Spears on "How I Met Your Mother" last night: 10.6 million. That's the highest viewership ever for the CBS sitcom. Audience size matters when you weigh who might get nominated for an Emmy because that first round of voting is determined by a popular vote of TV academy members.

Can Britney Spears really win an Emmy for How I Met Your Mother? Stranger things have happened, and who knows what'll happen if Britney gets an accolade for her work, rather than for shaving her head and getting her chuff out. Plus, if an Emmy for Britney Spears means that House doesn't win quite as many this year, then we're all for it.

But let's not forget that this year's Emmy Awards don't take place until September. Was Britney Spears' fleeting appearance on How I Met Your Mother memorable enough to keep her in voters' minds until then? Worse still, what if Britney Spears gets her act together between now and September? The whole mental illness thing is Britney's USP as far as the Emmys go. If she wants to stand any chance of winning this award, Britney had better go out and do something hopelessly batshit right now. Right now. Batshit!

Read more:

Can Britney — egad! — be nominated for an Emmy? – LA Times