House - HecklerSpray

Chris Brown Buys House Near Rihanna & Remains Just Out Of Punching Range

November 29th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

In the UK, the only real battle we have is between ?Team Peter? and ?Team Katie.? Whilst they're both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I'm A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they've bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain?t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Hugh Laurie To Quit House Which Is Obviously Awful, Awful News

May 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hugh Laurie is set to quit House. Can you cope? Will you break down and produce oceans of tears, wishing that he’d stick around to do his convincing American accent, with a side of kooky sideways glances and ill-advised blues albums?

So, when is this awful event going to take place? Well, Laurie plans to retire Dr. Gregory House when the eighth season concludes this summer.

That means you nutcase fans of the show have a few months of self-harm to get in while you digest this Earth crushing news before paving the way for a Houseless life where you’ll gradually concede that you didn’t like it all that much, rather, you enjoyed the fact a British actor managed to be a raging success in That America.

Twilight Fans Frighten Robert Pattinson So Much That He Can’t Even Sign A Mortgage

March 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Come on now. You Twilight fans are insane. Don’t try fighting it because it’s a plain as Robert Pattinson’s incredibly plain face. And for some reason, you hound Rob to the point where he’s almost interesting. Almost.

So mental are Twilighteers that, the incredibly wealthy Pattinson is feeling all sad. Well, we think it is sadness he’s trying to show on his face. We can’t really tell. He looks exactly the same when he says he’s displaying happiness.

Basically, R-Patz has had to find solace in the arms of hoteliers, much like Alan Partridge or the sad colonels who never leave the Love Boat. So scared is he that he can probably be found trembling next to the cheese slices of a hotel continental breakfast, dreaming of one day having his own house.

Music Review: Walter Gibbons ‘Jungle Music’ V/A

August 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

If you’re reading this expecting a load of junglist riddims, look away now. There’s no broken Amen breaks here for this is the sound of New York disco and the birth of the house DJ. That may sound lame, but there’s a lot of great stuff to be found in the cuts of Walter Gibbons and his ‘Jungle Music – Mixed With Love: Essential & Unreleased Remixes 1976-1986’.

For those that don’t know, Gibbons was a hugely important player in the early ’70s NY underground disco scene and influenced early dance music pioneers like Frankie Knuckles and Larry Levan.

Some say, if it wasn’t for Gibbons, there would have been no Chicago house.

Awesome or Off-Putting: Guy’s House Targeted By Aliens?

August 2nd, 2010 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Typical alien harassment includes your bed being surrounded by little green men in the middle of the night, or your car being surrounded by Mexicans offering to install your new garden hose for a reasonable fee as you’re pulling out of the Home Depot.

For some though, alien harassment includes slight destruction of property. For the record – when we said ‘for some’ at the beginning of that last sentence, we meant ‘for one.’ And that’s because some guy thinks that an alien marksman in orbit has singled out his house, and hit it with six verified meteorites in the past three years.

Britney Spears Moves House. Look Interested

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that this is the dullest Britney Spears story in the world.

Britney Spears is moving house. That’s roughly it. She lived somewhere, soon she’ll be living somewhere else and that’s it. On a Twitter post, Britney Spears claimed that she’d shown her kids around the new house and they apparently love it. This is the bad news.

The good news is that Britney Spears decided to sell her old home at the height of this economic crisis. We assume that means Britney Spears is still slightly mental. Win.

Paula Abdul Understandably Spooked Out About That Dead Lady

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul once sang a duet with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat, so she knows weird when she sees it.

But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul’s house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul’s image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level.

Apparently Paula Abdul hasn’t slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

Near-Tragic House Fire Another Excuse To Show Nick Nolte’s Funny Mugshot

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Actor Nick Nolte yesterday managed to escape a house fire which swept through his Malibu mansion causing $3 million in damage.

According to reports, Nick Nolte only clambered to safety from the blaze – said to be caused by an electrical fault – by smashing through a window to safety, after which he was treated for minor injuries and smoke inhalation.

Although the material cost of the house fire is immense, we should all be thankful that Nick Nolte managed to evade the inferno without any serious injuries, because this way we get to accompany the story with a picture of Nick Nolte’s 2002 DUI arrest mugshot. Ha ha ha, look! He’s wearing a funny shirt! And his hair’s all like ‘woarrrgh’ too! Ha ha ha. What a big idiot.

Britney Spears Wants Nice House For Her Kids To Occasionally Visit

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that Britney Spears can once again experience the delights of waking in up in the middle of the night because her kids are crying, it's time for a rethink.

You see, Britney Spears has recently been told that her children are now allowed to spend overnight visits with her, an important step towards regaining custody. But Britney doesn't want to keep her kids in squashed-together, paparazzi-filled Beverly Hills any more – she wants them to live somewhere safer, somewhere cleaner, somewhere with a huge garden that the children can play in.

That's right, Britney Spears is preparing to move house, which means that Britney's current abode could soon be up for sale. We hear it's the perfect place for anyone who likes their houses huge, reeking of cigarette smoke and full of fun character features like puddles of tears and disturbing fingernail scratches gouged into every available surface.

Ed McMahon’s House Way Too Expensive For Ed McMahon’s Wallet

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

When we were in sixth grade we got to school one day, and three periods in when it was our turn to give the in-depth presentation that we’d worked on for over a week – it wasn’t in our bag.

We turned our desk inside-out that day – but to no avail. We were crying at the window as our teacher wrote a big red F next to our name in his spiral grade-book, that’s when we saw it – Ed McMahon sprinting across the playground with our missing assignment in hand. He was more dragging it, actually. After all the thing was over 20 feet long.

We’d invented the Publisher’s Clearing House giant check printer. We would have gladly shared it with the world for free – but McMahon wouldn’t allow it. He patented the blue prints and made millions.

It doesn’t matter now though because it wasn’t enough – his house is going into foreclosure. That’s karma, Ed. You are just like China.