Are you a fan of the TV show House? Is it because you’re also a fan of watching the exact same thing happen week after week?

Or is it because of Olivia Wilde? It can’t be because of Olivia Wilde, because nobody actually knows who Olivia Wilde is. Unless you’re a reader of Maxim, that is, because it’s just named Olivia Wilde as the woman who most horny adolescent boys imagine while they thrash away at their exhausted red-raw todgers with their clammy little hands the second that their parents leave the house.

Or the world’s hottest woman. Either/or.

So, OK, we don’t know who Olivia Wilde is. That’s perfectly acceptable on the basis that her TV show House is the sort of TV show that only your grandmother could ever really get excited about and we’ve yet to see her film Alpha Dogs because it’s, well, Alpha Dogs.

But now we know. Know we know exactly who Olivia Wilde is. She’s the new Eva Longoria. It makes perfect sense – a few years ago Eva Longoria was all but guaranteed to be named as Maxim’s hottest woman before she got married and people forgot that Desperate Housewives even existed. And now it’s Olivia Wilde’s turn – according to the connoisseurs at Maxim magazine, she’s currently hotter than anyone else on Earth.

And that’s hot as in sexy, too – not an assumption that Olivia Wilde has recently been struck down with typhoid. Her hotness has absolutely nothing to do with an accidental ingestion of contaminated sewerage, we just want to make that perfectly clear. MSNBC reports:

Maxim Editor-in-Chief Joe Levy says that he has loved Wilde since her role as bad girl Alex on “The OC”. “Olivia Wilde has been the sexiest woman on television since she heated up ‘The OC’ five years ago. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she has dual citizenship in the U.S. and Ireland — what more can a man ask for?” Levy asked.

That’s true, actually. We only go out with girls who have duel citizenship in the US and Ireland, too. There’s just something about that combination of clinically obese and constantly drunk that just does it for us.

But if Olivia Wilde is number one in the Maxim Hot 100 list, then who are the other 99? The full list is here, and it includes just about everybody you’d expect it to with approximately no surprises anywhere. We especially like the way that the slideshow clicks through automatically so readers don’t have to stop masturbating to click their mouse. Horny teenagers are useless at multi-tasking, you know.

Still, though, we’d like to congratulate Olivia Wilde, and we look forward to her ongoing transformation into Eva Longoria with glee – particularly the bit where she starts banging on and on and on about herself for no real reason even though she has to be aware that there isn’t a single person on Earth who cares about her even a tenth as much as she does. That bit will be fun.

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