We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

When you’re hanging with the likes of Sean Diddy Daddy Puff Puff Combs on at least a semi-regular basis, you can count on two things happening all the time. The first is that you’ll have to be extremely patient as he pretends to get vital information from mysterious government sources over his wrist watch. Then you’ll have to refer to him solely as James while you give him boosts into random building ventilation systems, which he’ll then crawl through army-style and sweaty looking for imaginary boxes with blinking lights.

The second thing you can always expect in his company is that you’ll probably get shot. You remember all his gun trouble from several years ago, right? Well so do the police. That’s why when he recently showed up to co-host a tediously hosted party – the cops wanted to frisk him.

Keep in mind they were frisking every single person who entered. The New York Post paints the picture for us:

“When Diddy arrived at 1:45 a.m. with a six-man entourage, a witness said he “flipped out” when cops asked to search him and his friends. “He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?’” Combs “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When told that the cops would have to search him and his friends there as well, Combs decided not to attend the party.”

The common assumption seems to be that Combs was so anti-search because he and his men were armed to the teeth with guns, knives, explosives, elven bows and several coiled poison-snakes. The only people that know for sure are Diddy and his men. Plus the guy who probably lent him a rattler.

We think he went about this all wrong. If he wanted to get in with his guns he should have shot some people. When bullets are clearing your path you can pretty much go wherever you want.

Ask everybody in Iraq – they know.

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It’s just us who are looking at it wrong. True, Lindsay Lohan’s constant brushes with substance abuse, rumours of epic wayward unprofessionalism, diva-ish behaviour and stints in jail have ensured that she’ll probably never work again – but look at Lindsay’s dedication to getting sacked from increasingly disappointing jobs. She’s the best at that. Lindsay Lohan is the Laurence Olivier of that.

This time, Lindsay Lohan has apparently been sacked as the host of the World Music Awards – the dreariest, most low-rent awards show on Earth – because she didn’t like the idea of having a co-star. But let’s look on the bright side – since this is easily the lowest point of Lindsay Lohan’s career, the only way is up. Well, until next week when she’s fired from the set of a SafeStyle UK double glazing advert, anyway.

Since Lindsay Lohan has spent the bulk of her adult life shivering in one grotty rehab facility or another, it’s probably best to address her current professional situation in terms that she’ll understand – the rock bottom.

Back when she received a letter from the producer of Georgia Rule scolding her for wasting everyone’s time, Lindsay Lohan may have thought she’d hit rock bottom, but she hadn’t. And then, as a result of that letter, her regular DUI arrests, her various addictions, her Worst Actress awards and her incredible lack of popularity with the public, Lindsay Lohan may have considered her failure to find any decent movie work to be her rock bottom. But it wasn’t.

Not even getting chopped from Ugly Betty can be counted as Lindsay Lohan’s rock bottom any more, because now Lindsay Lohan has just been axed from her role as host of the World Music Awards – the music awards show that nobody, not even the producers or any of the artists who win anything, can bring themselves to even slightly care about. Digital Spy reports:

Lindsay Lohan has been axed as the host of next weekend’s World Music Awards. The actress was said to be angry after bosses drafted in Jesse Metcalfe to help her with presenting duties. She has now been replaced with Denise Richards. “Lindsay was furious that she wasn’t the star [of the event],” a source told The Mirror.

OK, actually we can sort of see why Lindsay Lohan got angry. Imagine someone telling you that you’re doing such a terrible job at hosting an awards show that they need to bring in Jesse Metcalfe – a man with all the personality of a damp sock – to boost up your charisma. You’d throw a tantrum too, wouldn’t you. They may as well take a dump on your face.

But let’s stay positive here. This has to be the nadir of Lindsay Lohan’s professional career. True, to recover she might need to knuckle down and gracefully accept lower-paid television or commercial work to get back on the ladder again, but we don’t doubt that she’s capable of doing it.

After all, it’s that or porn, and not even Lindsay Lohan wants to be responsible for millions of people gushing blood out of their eyes, does she?

That is to say his posture is poor – that of his guests is nothing less than perfect. They all sit there straight-backed with pinkies extended while flipping through etiquette books and properly addressing each piece of silverware. King’s got a cooking show, right? No?

But as we said – King’s been at this interviewing business for some time now – on his current show since 1985 if our sources are correct. But he can’t keep at it forever you know. If he’s ever going to dedicate himself to making more Jewish/Mormon hybrids he’s gotta act fast. He’s getting older – soon his ovarian tubes will shrivel, drying his man-milk reservoir to an endless low. Before long, for baby making he’ll have to rely solely on fluids drawn from Lake Michigan, which has a one-part spoo three-parts water ratio.

And when he retires, who do you think will have the hunched-at-a-desk prowess, the swivel-chair stamina and the never-ending suspender collection to replace him?

Why, Ryan Seacrest, apparently.

American Idol has long been known as a launching pad for careers in the music biz. After all, it’s where that Clarkson guy got his start, and recent information tells us the show’s even responsible for retroactively discovering Puff Daddy back when he was still full of both puff and daddy. They did it with wormholes or something. Randy Jackson wrote a paper on it once.

Or he didn’t.

The latest career to explode off the singing stage is that of Ryan Seacrest – the guy who we think was possibly voted out in the third round back in season five after he formed a failed alliance with Richard Hatch and the bassist from Bauhaus. We’re not sure about that actually, as the only time we tried watching the show a merciful God intervened and exploded our television by having a gasoline-covered raven fly into the open back and get jammed between channels 22 and 23 (forever in your debt, your Highness).

This Seacrest guy is supposedly in talks to take over Larry King’s show. Don’t believe us? Maybe you’ll believe MSNBC:

“Ryan Seacrest might be adding hosting duties of another kind to his schedule in 2009. A source from within CNN says that Seacrest, who has filled in for his friend Larry King in the past, is involved in “serious negotiations” to take over “Larry King Live” around year’s end. King told The New York Times in April 2007 that Seacrest would be his first choice to take over the show when the time came.”

Don’t get too excited now, others at CNN have denied the story outright.

If it did happen though, we think the show’s format would probably change a tad. Pre-teen girls would be able to vote-in texts to save their favorite politicians, and once per season a tipsy Paula Abdul would be brought in to continue saving Somalia.

By collecting and mass-mailing cheese sticks.

Starving third world warlords need calcium too.

Read More:

Ryan Seacrest is Wanted to Take Over Larry King Live – Stupid Celebrities

We love watching that Kobe Byrant shoot touchdowns and that guy Jessica Simpson is dating do really bad at footballing stuff when she’s watching the match. But just once instead of the quarterback yelling plays we’d like him to yell "Blue, Shimmy-two! Blue, Shimmy-two!", and see the entire offensive line bust into some dancing, boy band-style.

Well, we may be in luck because Justin Timberlake is slated to host the 16th annual ESPY awards this year on ESPN. It was a tough decision for the folks at ESPN, but this year clearly wasn’t the right time Clay Aiken. Go, JT!

The ESPYs are an annual awards show on ESPN that honour the best in professional sports over the past year. Last year LeBron James and Jimmy Kimmel hosted. LeBron James was obviously chosen for his athletic prowess, which made sense on the professional athlete side, and Jimmy Kimmel known for his fat man gut and beer-drinking prowess on the sports fan side. And who do they hire to host this year? Justin Timberlake. A spindly blonde guy that dances for a living and sings songs like Cry Me A River, which makes sense on no side.   

You may know Justin Timberlake from his hit song SexyBack (also known under the alternative title Bringing My Own Faux Sense of Appeal Back) but he’s also all over the hosting circuit. A regular at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, Justin recently inducted Madonkey, er, Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The man’s a hosting machine! But the ESPYs? That’s all a bit manly. Justin Timberlake doesn’t strike us as manliest man in the room. In fact, Justin Timberlake isn’t even the manliest man in a room full of WNBA players.

So what qualifies Justin Timberlake to be the host of an awards show for professional athletes? He’s a sports fan. No, no. Make that a sports junkie. Let's let Justin speak for himself:

“I’m very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of The ESPYs. I can’t wait for the day of the show as I’m truly a sports junkie. Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I’m looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN’s diehard fans.”

There you have it, folks. Look for the ESPY’s on ESPN sometime in June, or something. In the meantime you can catch other qualified hosts such as Rosie O’Donnell hosting America’s Next Top Model, and Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel guest hosting The Martha Stewart Show.   

Read more:

Timberlake 'n sync with ESPY Awards, set to host – ABC11

Why? Well, as if having a top-rated TV show, a number one movie and a bunch of chart-topping albums, isn't enough, now it's been revealed that Miley Cyrus is going to host the CMT awards.

You heard correctly – Miley Cyrus is going to host this year's CMT awards. The world's third-biggest country and western-themed awards show. It doesn't get much bigger than that. Apart from the world's second-biggest country and western-themed awards show, or the world's first-biggest country and western-themed awards show. Or any other awards show at all. Is there no stopping this Miley Cyrus woman?

It's fair to say that Miley Cyrus currently has the level of ubiquity that you'd normally expect from a veteran movie star, or at least a Hollywood socialite with a borderline personality disorder and a history of extensive rehab visits. Everything that Miley Cyrus does turns to gold – her TV show, her live concerts, her albums, her movie, her semi-risque pouty mobile phone videos – and what awards show wouldn't want a slice of something that horrifyingly robotic?

Miley Cyrus cut her awards show teeth by becoming a presenter at Sunday's Oscars – although if you tried looking for Oscars clips on YouTube you might be under the impression that the show was basically six hours of nothing but Miley Cyrus grinning earnestly at a lectern – and now she's taking it one step further, by hosting the entire CMT awards in April, as the Associated Press reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter Miley will host and perform at the 2008 CMT Music Awards. The seventh annual awards show will air live April 14 on CMT from Belmont University's Curb Event Center. Alan Jackson, Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Sugarland, Taylor Swift and Toby Keith will also be among the performers. "Miley and I are so excited to be hosting the CMT Music Awards," Cyrus said Tuesday in a statement. "We know it will be a fun-filled night with a lot of great music performances."

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus together? What the the CMT awards organisers thinking? Everyone knows that when Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus get together, things are bound to end up with a stupefyingly inane country ballad duet about flying high on the wings of freedom or a charity-angering display of riding around in a car without a seatbelt.

Can the CMT awards live with that kind of knife-edge controversy? Can it? Can it really? Given that the CMT awards is mostly about giving hunks of metal to buck-toothed banjo players, we're not awfully sure it can.

But at least you know what you're getting by allowing Miley Cyrus to host an awards show. Months and months of hearing your children beg and blackmail you into spending more money than you earn on a ticket to a fifth-rate awards show for a style of music that you'd rather cut off your feet than listen to, all just so they can look at an unusually confident teenager say some dull words about cowboys for 30 seconds at a time, that's what.

Read more:

Miley, Billy Ray Cyrus Host CMT Awards – Associated Press 

Except one – thanks to a heartbreaking oversight, Vassilis Fotopoulos' speech after winning the Best Art Direction Oscar for Zorba The Greek in 1964 was cruelly omitted from the proceedings.

Oh, and everything Whoopi Goldberg ever did. Despite winning an Oscar – and being the Oscars host on four separate occasions between 1994 and 2001 – there was no sign of Whoopi Goldberg anywhere in all the endless montages on Sunday. And that made Whoopi Goldberg cry. On TV. Video after the jump.

Jon Stewart had better watch out, otherwise he'll fall prey to the Curse Of The Oscar Host. It's a curse you may not have heard of, mainly because we've just invented it, but it's still true. It involves people who have hosted the Oscars becoming uncontrollable emotional wrecks about shit that nobody cares about on television. It started when 2007 Oscars host Ellen DeGeneres wailed about a puppy on her TV show, and now it's continuing with four-time Oscar host Whoopi Goldberg.

You see, thanks to the writers' strike, Sunday's Oscar show was brimming with the kind of dreary nostalgic clip montages that bore the life out of you if you're young and falsely reinforce the idea that things were better in the past if you're young. On and on they went – there's Cuba Gooding Jr, there's David Letterman, there's Celine Dion, there's fucking Snow White singing a bastardised duet of Proud Mary with titting Rob Lowe for christ's sake – and yet nobody thought to include any Whoopi Goldberg.

And on The View yesterday, Whoopi Goldberg had tears in her eyes thanks to the upset that goes along with being ignored by a tedious clip package in an over-long, obscenely smug awards ceremony. Look, here's the video…

Ridiculous, isn't it? After all, we didn't see any Xena Warrior Princess in any of the Oscar montages, and we doubt she's particularly cut up about it.

Then again, as the women on The View pointed out, Whoopi Goldberg was only the second black woman to win an Oscar and the first woman to host the Oscars at all, which does make her slightly significant. Maybe the clip researchers should have double-checked their list to make sure they weren't leaving anyone important out.

Or maybe – just maybe – the only person in the entire world who even slightly cares about any of this is Whoopi Goldberg, and everyone else is happy that she was left out of all the montages because it made the Oscars five or six seconds shorter than they otherwise would have been.

Still, though, Whoopi Goldberg's tearful reaction to the snub just shines a light on the difference between her and her predecessor on The View. Because if Rosie O'Donnell had hosted the Oscars and missed out on a montage clip, the Kodak Theatre would be a mess of rubble, steel and fragments of Jack Nicholson's skull by now.

Read more:

Whoopi Goldberg Chokes Up Over Oscar Montage – People