As well you know, Demi Moore’s suffering and being rushed to hospital after seizures from alleged narcotics, is simply not enough for us. The fact she’s so unhappy is fine and all, but we need more.
Like what?
We all need to hear her cry for help. It’s not good enough knowing that she was desperate – we need to hear EXACTLY how desperate she was. Of course, this also gives everyone the opportunity to overdub her pleas for help into a Hitler video or, indeed, remix it into the next hilariously autotuned dance-smash! That’s right folks! Her 911 call is getting released to the public!
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You can’t fault Demi Moore’s record. Some terrible, terrible films aside, some people forget that she put up with really, really Republican gunslinger Bruce Willis’ penis for a considerable amount of time, before taking on Ashton Kutcher in his most elaborate “Punk’d” episode so far.
Fresh from divorcing the “Butterfly Effect”, um, star (well, he was in it), our Demi’s feeling a bit sleepy and has been admitted to hospital with exhaustion.
Moore, who has been in over 9 films since 2006 (so, 10), said through a psychic medium in third-person: ”Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”
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Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.
Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.
And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?
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Jassson Deruuulo. Yes. Jason Derulo has been forced to cancel his worldwide tour after fracturing his neck during rehearsals because he’s just so damn talented at repeating his own name and, y’know, being a massive raving secret lemonade drinker.
Jassson Deruuulo. That’s right. According to various reports, the not-at-all-closeted singing sensation was attempting some kind of acrobatic move when he landed directly on his neck and suffered an acute fracture of his vertebra.
Jassson Deruuulo. That’s not good is it? Unless you find people’s misfortune funny. Like we do.
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Mariah Carey isn’t a woman to retire from the limelight too readily. In fact, even in the case of her husband – Nick Cannon – being all drug-eyed and dripped in hospital, recovering from kidney failure, she still wants in on the action.
Sweet, sweet fantasy babeh.
That’s right! She’s snapped her poorly husband and leapt on the bed with him while he looks half-dead in a bobble-hat, unintentionally creating the finest photograph ever taken in human history. And yes, you can see it over the jump.
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Barry Manilow, these days, looks like a man constantly doing a bank robbery with a pair of tights squeezed over that peculiar face of his. That’s the perils of indulging in FAR TOO MUCH plastic surgery folks!
And now, Baz The Manilow is shuffling to recovery after undergoing hip replacement surgery, like he’s someone’s nan.
Of course, now he’s got new hips, only his eyeballs are the things he was born with, leaving absolutely everything else constructed by now incredibly wealthy plastic surgeons. Basically, he’s the Frankenstein’s Monster of MOR.
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You’ll all be pleased to know that singer George Michael is making good progress as he recovers from a recent bout of pneumonia in Vienna. That’s good isn’t it? He’ll be cocking around the Christmas Tree in his giant house just in time to watch the Queen’s speech, before driving off somewhere, full of festive pot and making us all throw our paper hats into the fire in disgust.
The 48 year old singer fell ill in Austria last month and breathing difficulties meant he was stuck in intensive care, while you lot ate your selection boxes early and speculated about stuff that was none of your business.
Earlier in the week boyfriend Fadi Fawaz claimed the singer would be out of hospital by December 25th and suggested there was nothing to worry about. So that’s settled then isn’t it?
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When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.
And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.
Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!
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