We can categorically guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that our readers know exactly what an experiment is. Some of you will have studied science in school and will have been involved in the dissemination of liquid from beaker to conical flask; some of you might even be scientists. If you are then can we suggest that you keep an eye on that petri dish over there as it appears to be sentient.

Even the regular readers who trawl the site looking for something to get up in arms about are familiar with experimentation, having been used as test subjects by a series of alien species with nefarious designs on the rectal areas of people who believe in a Michael Jackson-led arachnid conspiracy, coordinated from the moon.

Odd-balls, basically.

Unfortunately there are many advertisers who, like most of the simple concepts in the world, just can’t get their heads around the idea of an experiment. Take the lovely people from Bulmers as a case in point. Their latest advertising shtick revolves around rewarding ‘experimental’ people.

You can watch it here if you can handle the inane advertising drivel that goes along with it. It’s probably best that you at least try, otherwise a lot of what we’re telling you might be quite hard to digest.

For a start there’s the cider itself. Crushed red berries and lime, made with over 100 years of experience. Hardly experimental. crushed red berries go quite well with lime, anyone who’s ever tried a strawberry daiquiri can tell you that. Is the experimental element putting it in a bottle? As we already mentioned, much of science is decanting liquid from one receptacle to another. Perhaps that’s it.

Is it the stacked up TVs which are the experimental element? There’s nothing experimental about the systematic piling of television equipment unless Bulmers hope to create some kind of portal to another dimension using nothing but static electricity and cathode ray tubes.

Wait. Hang on just one god-damned minute. Is this the experiment? An un-named comedian (Humphrey Ker, to give him his due) standing in the street, acting like a charity mugger with a camera crew trying to get people to go to his “friend’s gig” round the corner? He’s handing out wristbands! Is that experimental in any way? Having a man in the street trying to get people to do something that they don’t want to do? Walk down any street in a city and you’ll see that en masse. There’s no experiment there.

Perhaps the gig itself is the experimental element? Maybe it’s some kind of Japanese musical installation where the band members only play sounds using construction components. Maybe we’ll hear the first ever drum solo played on a high-visibility jacket stretched over a storage drum.

Oh, it’s Plan B.

PLAN B ISN’T EXPERIMENTAL! The man would like you to believe that he saved soul music from the drudgery of the world but in actual fact he did nothing more than further dilute an already irritatingly shallow talent pool with music that doesn’t really “do it” for anyone but definitely sounds good when having a few drinks and nibbles before a dinner party. It’s the kind of music that David Cameron might listen to. That’s not terribly experimental.

Maybe there’s an element of sexual experimentation? Maybe the advert will end with Plan B taking sixteen women, three men and a Shetland pony backstage for a massive orgy that will only end when the police come in to break things up like the massive fascists that they are.

That never happens.

In actual fact, nothing experimental happens in the entire advert. That leaves us wondering why a company would create an advertising campaign based entirely around experimentation and the rewards that can come to those who ‘take a chance’ while having video evidence to the contrary.

Perhaps the experiment lies in finding out how many people see beyond the idiotic gloss of the thirty second advert to question the experiment itself. Perhaps we’ve now transcended to another level of existence where we can see through the nonsense in adverts and get straight to their core message. In reality though, this is probably another example of the “let’s hope they don’t notice” culture which is pervasive throughout the advertising community at the moment.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Madonna is the material girl – specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from.

Alright, not the last one. But the first two are almost a certainty, because Madonna has only gone and fallen off another poxy horse again. Apparently Madonna was hospitalised this weekend after toppling off a horse in the Hamptons, and she’s blaming the paparazzi.

But anyone worried that Madonna falling off two horses in four years puts a dent in her ‘queen of reinvention’ tag should relax – this time Madonna fell off a horse in a silly hat. Possibly. It’s completely different.

There are some things that Madonna should never do. Like acting, for example. Or wearing leotards that barely cover her middle-aged genitals. Or, as it turns out, riding horses. Putting Madonna on top of a horse is a recipe for disaster – historically, any time Madonna has ever got on a horse she’s either mistaken it for Gwyneth Paltrow and spent four hours doing pilates and discussing brown rice with it, or she’s been flung from it and ended up in hospital.

That’s what happened in 2005 when Madonna busted up her ribs falling from a horse, and it’s what happened this weekend after Madonna – yup – fell off a horse. But just because Madonna doesn’t seem to do much else apart from end up in hospital after stacking it off horses all the time, it doesn’t mean that she’s a rubbish horse-rider. In actual fact, as AP reports, it’s all the work of the filthy paparazzi:

A representative for the superstar said Madonna suffered “minor injuries” after she fell while horseback riding in the Hamptons, a playground for the rich and famous on the eastern end of Long Island, N.Y. “The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer, who was visiting friends,” Liz Rosenberg said in a statement Saturday evening.

See? Those dastardly paparazzi should know better than to startle horses by jumping out of bushes. Horses have traditionally been easily spooked by the paparazzi, ever since a photographer once took a photo of Mr Ed getting out of a taxi without any knickers on and then caught Black Beauty cheating on Red Rum with Champion The Wonder Horse at 3am outside a pikey nightclub in Dagenham.

While we hope that Madonna quickly recovers from whatever injuries she sustained in the accident, the fact alone that she’s fallen off two horses in four years has got us worried. Just recently Madonna tried adopting a second baby from Malawi a couple of years after she already adopted one. Now she’s fallen off a horse a couple of years after already falling off one. It’s almost like Madonna has hit the oldest point that she’s ever going to reach, and now she’s ageing backwards, reliving all the landmark moments of her life in reverse.

That’s not a bad thing, of course. True, it means before long Madonna will start getting naked in public all the time again, but let’s focus on the positive here – in about 25 years Madonna will start dressing her age again. Hooray!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Jordan has kindly agreed to bring home an equestrian gold medal for Britain from a nonspecific future Olympic game, but only on two conditions:

1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it’ll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it’s name on a roster down in ol’ Beijing.

If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago.

By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse’s natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they’d really sport a chance.

When a horse recently showed up on Jordan’s front porch all saddled up and ready to go, chances are her first thoughts weren’t of eating it, though maybe they should have been. Hecklerspray speculates her first thoughts were ‘skin graft donor‘ as her boobs could really use a touch up from what we’ve heard.

Now if someone gave us a horse, the first thing we’d do is cut off one of its legs so it could never leave us. Then we’d take it out to jump over moving school buses. The children inside would ooh and ahh as we galloped away with perfect horse posture, after a few yards we’d stop, turn and yell “stay in school, kids” while giving them one of those military forehead salutes. Children today just don’t get that message enough.

You see though, that’s where Jordan differs so greatly from us. While we would use our horse-having powers to better the world around us, she just wants to use hers to selfishly compete in the stupid gay-wad Olympics. A friend of hers said:

“[Jordan] loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”

We’ll be the first to admit we don’t know what a dressage competition is, but the name certainly implies it has something to do with dressing horses up in gigantic four legged Barbie clothes, earning points for over-all style and beauty.

If that’s the case, count us in – our attic is full of nothing but horse dresses. Some of them we’re pretty sure are Olympic quality too.

Read More:

Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics – Anorak

After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen – brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course – to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.

Equus is something of a magical play. Not only does it raise important questions about freedom of spirit when altered by psychiatric treatment, but until recently it was the only place where you could see Harry Potter with his wanger out. Looking back, it was a masterstroke for Daniel Radcliffe to sign up for Equus – at once it removed him from the children's movies for which he was famous and increased his credentials as a serious actor. It helped that he was good in the play, too – everyone loved Harry Potter in Equus. The Telegraph called Daniel Radcliffe a "thrilling stage actor of unexpected range and depth" and hecklerspray commenter Jazmin added "I SAW HIS COCK IT HUGE…I WISH HE WAS MY HUSBAND…HIS FUCKIN HOT…WISH I HAD GONE 2 THAT PLAY!=(."

But Daniel Radcliffe couldn't star in Equus forever, because eventually his pubes would have gone grey and freaked everyone out, so instead the producers of Equus have decided to recast the lead role. And which lucky actor has the honour of superseding Daniel Radcliffe? Why, it's Lily Allen's brother Alfie Allen. You may have seen Alfie Allen in a small role in Atonement this year, or as Berkhamp On Double Bass in 2004's critical smash-hit Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, or you might just know Alfie Allen from that song Lily Allen wrote about him where he was played in the video by a muppet in a hoodie. Either way, you'll be able to see his penis before very long. And, as The Times reports, Alfie Allen's reputation didn't harm him one bit:

Lily immortalised her brother in the song, Alfie, which begins: "My little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed, I tell him he should get up 'cos it's nearly half past three." But Equus producer David Pugh said he made sure the young actor had changed his ways before hiring him. He told the Daily Mail: "We arranged an 8am breakfast at the Wolseley restaurant with (writer) Peter Shaffer and Alfie to see if he was still a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of boy, but I think he was the first to arrive." Shaffer recommended Alfie after seeing him in the Keira Knightley film Atonement.

Although it'd be absurd to assume that Alfie Allen in Equus will generate even a fraction of the media frothing that Daniel Radcliffe caused, we should add that he's probably more genetically disposed to nudity than Radcliffe ever was. Anyone who's ever seen Shallow Grave has seen his father's penis, for example, so maybe that brave streak of proud exhibitionism is present within Alfie too, which should make his Equus electrifying. Of course, there's an equal chance that Alfie Allen is genetically predisposed to having superfluous nipples covering most of his body, too. In which case, you know, ugh.

Read more:

Theatre Role For Lily Allen's Little Brother Alfie – Times