Madonna Knackers Herself On Another Horse Madonna is the material girl - specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from. Alright, not the last one. But the first two are almost a certainty, because Madonna has only gone and fallen off another poxy horse again. Apparently Madonna was hospitalised this weekend after toppling off a horse in the Hamptons, and she's blaming the paparazzi. But anyone worried that Madonna falling off two horses in four years puts a dent in her 'queen of reinvention' tag should relax - this time Madonna fell off a horse in a silly hat. Possibly. It's completely different.

Jordan Wants To Olympic-Compete With Horses Jordan has kindly agreed to bring home an equestrian gold medal for Britain from a nonspecific future Olympic game, but only on two conditions: 1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it'll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it's name on a roster down in ol' Beijing. If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago. By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse's natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they'd really sport a chance.

Lily Allen’s Brother Goes Naked Horse Stabbing

After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen - brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course - to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.