Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…
Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.
So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened. WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas? Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?
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Ever woke up in the morning and thought to yourself “Hey! You know what I’d like to see today? A fat Northerner stapling someone’s mouth to an anus while jerking himself off with sandpaper!” Have you?
Then chances are, you’re Tom Six, the director of The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), and barely anyone else.
See, the film has taken a hilarious £942 at the box office after opening in the UK last weekend. Basically, no-one wants to see it AND pay for it. We suspect that it has been streamed and downloaded online (uncut) more times than anyone settling down in a cheese smelling cinema has.
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Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.
And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.
It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.
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Sometimes a book is so seminal that any talk of a sequel is shot down in a series of fan-based derogatory comments about the author wanting to suck on someone’s nipples or wanking at the altar of capitalist pigs.
As Enid Blyton could testify to if she were here today. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they are the worst thing since bread came brown.
Well Stephen King, him what wrote all those famous horror books, has unveiled a chapter of his upcoming sequel to The Shining. As we all know, The Shining is the one with the little boy who has powers, not the one with the girl who loses her loaf when she gets her first period. Or the one with the killer car.
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It’s time for the release of Human Centipede 2! Hurray! How we love a romantic comedy about a crazy copycat torturer and self-pleasuring yourself with stuff purloined from the tool box while being shouted at by your mum!
Is Hugh Grant in it?
Anyway, as the film is getting shown (States only thus far, but Limey won’t have long to wait, don’t fret) and such, so we thought we’d give you some teasers in the shape of some stills from the film (they’re very pleasant) and the promotional poster (tastefully minging) for you to gawp at. Ready?
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Hey divs! Great news! The romantic comedy, The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence, has been given a British Board of Film Classification today! How amazing is that? That means… well… you’ll illegally download it anyway as you’ll want to see all the nasty (funny) bits they hacked out.
Tom Six’s film – which to be perfectly honest, looks hilarious. A horror film set in the North of England with lousy acting? SIGN US UP! – has been given an 18 certificate, which means it can now be legally sold in the UK.
Of course, the BBFC had previously rejected the film, stating: “it is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.’ The BBFC also considered that The Human Centipede 2 may have even been in breach of the Obscene Publications Act or similar legislation.”
Yeah, right.
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Kids do the sweetest things don’t they? They vomit over their food, which they continue to eat; they poo in their pants; they waddle around like little drunks forming crystallised snot moustaches while demanding every single second of your increasingly worthless time.
All together now – AAAAWWWWWWW
However, some parents aren’t sated with such activities. They want to push their children into becoming performing monkeys so they can look at the other, blissfully stupid children running around with glorious abandon and think “Gah. My kid will be famous while these idiots will still be in short pants.” And we’ve got one here… and Jesus, Joseph and Mary, she’s a little precocious horror. That’s right, she’s singing Nicki Minaj’s ‘Super Bass’ with the raps and gyrating moves.
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Welcome once again, to ‘Movies From Beyond’ your weekly celebration of the good, the bad and the ugly of films! We love horror and gore and all things drenched in blood and can only assume you’re the same, so sit back and relax, oh, and feel free to use the sick bags…
As a rule we like films set on planes; (‘Redeye’ and ‘Snakes on a Plane’) and we REALLY like horror movies set on planes.
So imagine our delight when we got our sweaty little paws on the recently released ‘Quarantine 2’ which combines air travel and zombies in a blood drenched spectacular we haven’t seen the likes of since ‘Flight of the Living Dead’ dragged it’s rotting corpse through passport control.
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