After rumours floated around the slebphere that Hugh Grant was to take over Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men (ostensibly, The Famous One On The Show), everyone scratched their heads and muttered about how little sense it made. Surely a programme like that needs someone more irritating than Hugh Grant?

Well, it seemed impossible, but CBS are weighing up an actor who is roughly a million times more grating than Charlie Sheen… and this actor can grind your gears without being a dead-eyed junky!

That’s right folks, the only man on Earth more irritating than Charlie Sheen is Ashton Kutcher (the stepson of 83 year old Demi Moore) has reportedly signed a deal to join the cast of the woeful sitcom when it returns for a ninth season.

Hugh Grant apparently pulled out of negotiations after citing the old chestnut of “creative differences”, paving the way for the oddly hairlined Kutcher to wobbly into view, gurning at everyone and tittering like an old dog with a brain tumour.

In typically desperately wacky style, Kutcher hinted on Twitter about the gig, saying:

“What’s the square root of 6.25?”. The answer is two and a half.”

Of course, you’ll remember Kutcher from his American version of Beadle’s About, Punk’d, as well as his excruciating to the point of getting clubfoot role as a dunderhead stoner in the miserable That ’70s Show. Mercifully, his movie career has been less successful.

Yet, the oddest thing is this whole sorry tale is that Two And A Half Men is the most watched show on American television which should fill everyone with blood-freezing dread.

These Americans are the leaders of the free-world… and they’re producing and watching this catpiss?

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Kevin Smith might have inspired hundreds of indie movies about nothing with lots of pointless talking in them, but he just can’t get any love.

For example, the movie that Kevin Smith wants to make after his new flick Zack And Miri Make A Porno is a horror called Red State. Trouble is, Smith says no studio will touch Red State because it’s bleak and dark and utterly noncommercial.

A Kevin Smith film that’s bleak and dark and noncommercial? Is Kevin Smith remaking Jersey Girl already? Right? Right? Because, you know, Jersey Girl was bleak, and it was dark, and, um… yeah. Would someone mind calling us a taxi, please?

This is a bad time you get your movie made, people. All the stock market crashes have hit Hollywood right where it hurts. As we speak, movie executives are trading in their cigars for cigar-shaped clods of animal turd, actors are trading in Scientology for other, cheaper spurious religions invented by weirdos, and actresses are storing up their bulimia vomit in Tupperware in case they get peckish later. It’s a bad time to get your movie made.

Things gave got so bad that not even Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson can get films made, so it’s bound to hurt people like Kevin Smith even harder.

True, Kevin Smith’s films are all made for about 50p anyway, but since nobody actually goes to see them that’s 50p that a movie producer could spend insulating his roof with hay. And that means that the movie Kevin Smith wants to make next – the horror Red State – probably isn’t going to get made at all.

Of course, things aren’t helped by the fact that – by Kevin Smith’s own admission – Red State sounds so completely abhorrent that nobody would make it even if studio executives could ejaculate gold bars. In a podcast with Cinemablend, Kevin Smith detailed exactly why Red State doesn’t stand a chance:

“It’s decidedly non-commercial, it’s really fuckin bleak and dark, so bleak that it makes The Dark Knight look like Strawberry Shortcake. There’s no character to root for, everybody dies. It’s a series of insane, bad choices based on moral or immoral quandaries. Based on all that nobody wants to write a check for it and I kind of get it. I’m not sitting here going ‘What? Why wouldn’t you want to finance a loser?’”

A series of insane bad choices based on moral or immoral quandaries featuring no character to root for? No wonder nobody wants to finance Red State, Kevin. You’ve essentially written The Ben Affleck Story.

Still, we can definitely see Kevin Smith’s tactic here – by bragging about what a notoriously disgusting movie he’s written, Red State‘s bound to build up a swell of internet popularity, and that might just be enough to push it over the top. It’s even working with us, to some extent.

And even if it doesn’t get made as it is, Kevin Smith shouldn’t give up hope – change a few bits around, swap a character for a funny-looking puppet and, bingo, you’ve got the script for Saw 6.

Read more:

Weekly Blend: Guest Starring Kevin Smith - Cinemablend

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You know, we're not perfect.

That's right. Despite being the site that introduced you to such legends as the Angry German Kid, the 9/11 Mime Artist and the dancing fat man in the Mini Mall commercial, occasionally something slips by our radar. This was highlighted in a most painful manner today, when – during a conversation with a good friend of ours – they seemed truly amazed that we had never heard of Aleksey Vayner.

How embarrassing.

Anyway – that's just a heads-up. Some of you may have seen this, so don't go yelling at us, please (it only makes us cry, and then we're of no use to anyone). The rest of you, though? Boy, are you in for a treat …

This will be of particular interest to anyone presently hovering around the job market. How's that CV looking? Made of 'paper', is it? Bah. Get with the times, you old duffer. The Video CV (or 'resume', as you crazy Americans like to call it) is clearly the way forward.

One man who knows this is Yale graduate Aleksey. He applied for a job at a major investment firm. And he handed in this – the quite frankly stunning introduction to his mind that you're about to witness.

Remember. Impossible Is Nothing…