Did you all have an uneventful, but correctly predicted week? Obviously the ones who aren't replying must be dead, so we?ll chalk that one up to us being absolute fantastic diviners and not because you're all stupid people who don't die when we tell you to.

Last week we had a visit from Psychic Sally, who in the hecklerspray bedsit we call ?Not So Psychic Sally? because we're total jokers, and think that she's got as much ability to tell the future as Tulisa does fellating young men. Sally wanted us to write a column for her in this week?s Sun on Sunday about various things that are going to happen during the week.

At first, we were all for it, a writer can't live on Pot Noodle alone and the bedsit does need the rot looking at (we're not sure what's in the settee, but it's rotting the material now. And looks like it's breathing). But she said that she wanted to put her name on the top of the it. Imagine that! Psychic Sally phoning things in and not putting the effort in!

Isn't it funny when people hold the strangest things as a bastion of superstition? Like rabbit's feet, for instance. Who carries around the severed paw of a dead animal as a sign of good luck? It clearly hasn't done the rabbit any good, and he had four. Or she. We don't discriminate here at hecklerspray. We have an equal level of dismay for all colours, genders and sexualities. You all are generally awful.

Like walking under ladders as well. That's only good luck because you're actively removing yourself from positions of danger. In that vein, we might as well say, not crossing rail lines is good luck. Or making sure you don't lick plugs is good luck. Or never wearing a foot cast on in front of Jessie J is good luck. Because once she gets talking about that bloody injury she forgets when to stop.

There is no such thing as luck; the only thing that is a certainty in life are our Hecklerscopes. Divined by hipster?s favourite tea and swirled in a Cath Kidston mug to unlock the mystery of the afterlife, currentlife and soontobelife, this is the only way that you can definitely find out what is going to happen in the next week. Trust us, you\’ll be surprised by the things we've seen. Here?s one for free: The Voice? Not going to be that popular.

Not everyone can tell the future. There's only a small percentile of the entire World?s population who can successfully predict future events, but when they do get it right, they get it great. Like Mystic Meg. She successfully predicted the lives of thousands of people who watched The National Lottery back in the 90s, week in, week out, and everything was hunky dory. One thing she couldn't predict was that severe case of herpes she couldn't shift. No one wants to hear the future from a warty medium.

To say that the future can't be divined is, frankly, a bus load of pish and pshaw. But would you want to know what was in store for you? If someone came up to you on a busy High Street and offered to look into the murky depths of the future in exchange for a fifty pence piece, would you take them up on their faster than Cheryl Cole would take Ashley back?

Of course you would. You're not idiots. So allow us to save you fifty pence. You can put it towards buying bulk orders of Ryvita. Or maybe ?saving.? Whatever you want.