Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.

Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”

Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.

Poor Lautner.

Anyway, the people at People have come forward and said that they had nothing to do with the cover and promptly washed their hands of the whole ordeal.

Like anyone would if they’d falsely claimed a major A-list movie star was gay on one of the biggest American magazines in publication.

So there we have it. Taylor Lautner isn’t gay, okay?

But Craig Revel Horwood and Graham Norton still are, although it’s early on in the day, it could all change.

In other news, both heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality have completely deserted Robert Pattinson after utterly forgetting that he even existed, leaving him to reside with asexuality with a innersole and some lint.

Olly ‘the luckiest boiled potato on Earth’ Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can’t be denied.

But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.

And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles’ torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She’d probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.

Well Murs has managed to force his jaw through a regulation width door frame to perpetuate the myth that he loves to lick lily and other general vaginary things, and make sure that he still gets invited to Louis Walsh’s super secret naked Westlife tribute parties.

Speaking to Fabulous magazine, Murs said that he was kind of addicted to sex. And shopping. And cosmopolitans. And his Sex and The City boxset before going off onto a diatribe of how hard it is finding his Mr Big.

“Shopping is my only addiction – some people get addicted to drugs or drink or sex. Well, having said that, I’m kind of addicted to sex. I’m not going to lie – I’ve enjoyed being single. But I’ve been careful. I don’t hop it and out of beds, I’m not a male slag or anything. But I’m single, I’m a pop singer – if I said I hadn’t slept with any girls you’d be worried about me!”

Not us Olly. We don’t care if you don’t sleep with any girls. We’d also like the mental image of your chin grunting away out of our heads as well.

This isn’t the first time that Olly Murs has dispelled rumours that he likes it up the shoot. He even spoke to Entertainmentwise back in November to tell people that he isn’t gay at all. At all.

“…one paper said they thought I was gay. That was the most weird story I’ve ever seen because I am far from gay. Far from gay! So that was a very strange to see. Me? Gay? Really?!”

Gay, dear? Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear.

How very dare us.

Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences.  The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE  WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

It’s true, the rumours that Hugh Jackman is gay have been around for a while, but it seems that his wife of 15 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, has decided to dismiss these rumours publicly, making us all feel like terrible people for feeding the evil gossip machine.

She roared:

“The line I heard was, ‘Wolverine? Who would have thought?’ Hugh and I don’t pay much heed.”

“It’s kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don’t know.”

We feel it’s more two-faced and tragic to gossip about people we do know, so we’re not falling for that one.

But don’t worry, she still fancies the arse off him.

“I do think he’s the sexiest man alive, and I’d hope every woman would think her husband was.”

Oh shut up. You’re married to Hugh Jackman. What would you know?

“I was always saying I’d marry somebody sensible, like a stockbroker. So he dresses up for that fantasy for me occasionally.”

Brilliant idea. Divert attention from the gay rumours by telling the world your husband sometimes wears a suit and acts like a prick. Hugh Jackman also insists he’s not gay.

In 2009 he said:

“I’d be happy to go and deny being gay, because I’m not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.

“The questions about sexuality I find more in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others.”

We’re hoping at some point he’ll also deny dressing up like a stockbroker. This is just wrong.

So there you have it. We have no idea if Hugh Jackman is gay or straight as we’re not all hung up about it like those Americans but while you make up your own sweet minds, here’s a nice video of Hugh.

Enjoying being ‘theatrical’ and being in musicals and that.

WHAT?

Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

While the DADT act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation, or indeed, speaking about any homosexual relationships of any kind, it doesn’t discourage soldiers from having their picture taken next to piles of people who have passed out from torture in Abu Ghraib.

It doesn’t stop Army vets from recording profanity laden rap songs attacking Soulja Boy either.

This seems stupid really because America is definitely more gay than it is violent. There’s a lot more sodomy going down right now that shootings, raps and whatever else America thinks it gets up to.

In fact, the United States couldn’t be more gay. Even the straight people are really gay. That’s a good thing. Well done America, you big nation of gays.

To celebrate the end of DADT on September 20, 2011, here’s you not gay army men, pretty much having it off with each other to Aqua.

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Ricky Martin is gay. Okay? Got that? Good. Because ladies, like George Michael, it doesn’t matter how much you fancy him because, unless you’re in possession of some unsightly testicles, he wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick.

However, like many homosexuals, Ricky found it difficult to come out of his closet.

What made it even worse for the singer is that he was petrified of announcing his sexuality to the world because he was under the impression that homosexuality was “evil”. Surely that only adds to the thrill of it with some?

Of course, we’re being glib about someone’s life changing decision to tell everyone what sort of human they’d like to have sex with. The ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ sing told all on his website last year in a rather emotional message and admitted that it took him years to be honest with everyone, himself included, because of societal and career pressure.

He said:

“Being Ricky Martin back then and what I was feeling were not compatible.

“I was the sex symbol and I needed to dance and I needed to make girls crazy and I couldn’t say that I was gay. It was a lot of struggle.

“If you add to that whether you call it culture, religion, society but what I was feeling, according to what I had in my mind, was evil and I’m very lucky today that what I have in my mind is love and I’m very happy.”

The headaches you get from sniffing poppers is pretty evil too. Sadly, there’s no cure for that.

Anyway, Ricky is now out and proud and there’s a lot of people who just couldn’t give two hoots about which gender makes his bits twitch.

“[Many people said] ‘yeah what’s new?’ But it is about what I was feeling.”

“And my own fears and my struggles and I know there are a lot of men and women out there that are struggling with that.”

Well done Ricky Martin. You’re like a modern day Jesus. Only gay. And a better skin-care routine.

Katy Perry once kissed a girl and she liked it, if her personal reports are to be believed.

Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry‘s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.

Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?

We need to know.

But it’s all gone and turned into a big pile of confusion, with reports and counter-reports flying in left, right and centre. If we were cynical, we might assume this was the work of some marketing twit who was out to make a bit of a splash with the Perry name.

But of course, we’re not that cynical.

Reports that Katy Perry‘s parents hate what she does came about from the greatest newspaper in the world, the Daily Mail, which in between saying videogames cause all the ills in the world ever, managed to fit some other words in. Namely, Katy’s mum saying:

“Katy knows how I feel. We are a very outspoken family and she knows how disappointed her father and I are. I can’t even listen to that song. The first time I heard it I was in total shock. When it comes on the radio I bow my head and pray. I hate the song. It clearly promotes homosexuality and its message is shameful and disgusting.”

Now we understand it’s a bad song, but is there any real need to get God involved in matters? We mean, he might use his ultra-powers to blow up the radio or something, but you could just forget about bothering him, turn the radio off and go do something else. He probably has enough to worry about, the poor little blighter.

Katy’s mama went on – probably while between bouts of praying for God to change channel on her TV:

“Katy was raised in a very strict Christian household, she started performing in church at nine. She was a special child; she loved to sing and had an angelic voice. That is why this is all so disappointing and sad.”

It must be terribly disappointing to have a daughter who is a worldwide star – really quite bad. But mummy wasn’t finished there, and she went on with even more words falling out of her gob:

“Katy is not a homosexual but I fear she has been led astray by the Hollywood crowd. Katy was spotted by a music producer, who invited her to L.A. That’s when she started to change. I was worried she’d start doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I still am. I spoke to her only recently. She said, ‘Oh Mom, I’m not going to turn into Amy Winehouse.’”

We do think if Perry were to turn into Winehouse MKII that would be enough to test anybody’s faith, regardless of how devout they were. As we all know, Amy Winehouse is proof there is no God.

But Katy Perry wasn’t about to sit still listening to mother dearest’s apparent rampant claims, and quickly jumped to the defence of her parents. In an interview with MTV, Perry used some words – in a similar way to how her mother did:

“I’m sure they opt out of singing ‘I Kissed a Girl’ or ‘Ur So Gay’, but they’re singing along to every other song on the record. They’re just glad I’m not strung out, doing centrefolds and s**t like that.”

They’re probably not going to be made that much prouder by you swearing now, are they? Oh well, at least that clears that one up. A bit.

But what about the claims that Katy’s track UR So Gay is homophobic and I Kissed a Girl is patronising to the gay community?

Well, what better way to win over fans than to make a sweeping generalisation, in which you assert that all people of a certain sexual preference have exactly the same personalities? There isn’t a better way, it would seem, with Perry stating:

“I think gay people have a wonderful sense of humour.”

She did go on, mind, carrying on about UR So Gay:

“I think they’ll get it and embrace it. It’s an anthem for power of the people – for females, gays, exes, anybody who’s been broken up with that wants to get over a guy.”

Well – that clears that one up. And here we were hoping she’d stir up that bit more controversy to help fuel her career, seeing as that’s all it’s been going on so far.

It’s certainly not talent that’s been pushing it.

A homosexual moment between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s latest movie is the talk of the 61st Cannes Film Festival.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a joyful scene.

The on-screen lezathon is being credited with reviving the career of the sputtering genius filmmaker, whose film received a ten minute standing ovation, which is a weird amount of time to clap for anything, but well done.

According to OK! Magazine, one critic said of the scene:

It woke up all the dopey critics and practically got a standing ovation.

The film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is a romantic comedy wherein Cruz’s character meets Scarlett’s character in Barcelona, things happen, they lezz off, more things happen, and it ends.

The film also stars Penelope Cruz’s real-life boyfriend, Javier Bardem, who plays a character in the film that gets caught up in the plot somehow, doesn’t matter.

The scene was apparently intended by Woody to be his most erotic scene to date, and that’s something, as only Cliff Richard, Bill Cosby, Bruce Forsyth and Dennis Norden have stayed in their respective games longer.

Woody Allen said:

I want people to see the romance, and I wanted some laughs. I wanted to see two young women who go to Barcelona…and gradually things start to disintegrate [lezz off].

‘Disintegrate’ eh? Is that how today’s old people are referring to it, hmm? What happened to a good, old-fashioned lemonfest? They’re a morbid bunch, aren’t they?

Yes, they are. It’s largely because they’ll be dead soon and as we have no idea what that’s like lets pity them and let them have their own slang, lets even incorporate it into our own speech, as a way of saying: Well done old people! Despite the appalling strain you put on society you’re quite like us youngsters in many ways, what with the way you like watching girls kiss and stuff, so with that in mind thanks for everything!

Because we too literally cannot wait to see Scarlett disintegrate all over Penelope Cruz’s face, and it’s OK if you can’t wait too.

Viva la dirty, old bastard!

Read More – Lesbian Kiss Saves Woody, OK! Magazine

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie love and trust each other so much that they have decided to sign a legally binding contract making it a huge financial risk for either of them to sleep with anyone else.

According to Star Magazine website, the world's most famous couple made their love official (any love outside of marriage is unofficial – fact) in New Orleans on Saturday.

What a scoop for Star Magazine! But not so according to people.com, who claim it’s all a big bag of overflowing poppycock.

They claim a source close to the couple has said that the wedding just hasn’t happened, and that Brad Pitt was on set in Texas instead.

The couple have previously stated that they would not get married until it became legal for homosexuals to marry too, and that is still frowned upon by a hefty portion of America.

So who are we to believe? Is it Angelina Pitt now, or is she stretching out her concubine status for a little while longer?

Speculate away dear gossip-mongerers.

Read more – Star Exclusive: They Did It! Brad & Angelina Tie The Knot! – Star Magazine

Read more – Source: There Was 'No Wedding' For Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – People

According to The Mail on Sunday, Basil Brush, the anthropomorphic fox and Prince Philip of CBBC, is being investigated by police after being accused of racially abusing a group of gypsies on his TV show.

The episode in question, which first aired six years ago, contains a scene in which a gypsy attempts to sell Basil some clothes pegs and heather. He then goes on to tell a story about another gypsy who stole his wallet. When the episode was repeated last month on the CBBC channel a band of gypsies decided they would not stand for this defamation of their good name and contacted the Northamptonshire constabulary to lodge a complaint against the ginger hand puppet. 

Granted, hecklerspray doesn’t know very many gypsies, but we’ve seen Snatch at least three and one half times so we think it’s pretty safe to say we’re somewhat of an authority on this issue. It’s obviously twaddle. Gypsies don’t have TV, idiots! They live in sweaty caravans and talk in fake, unintelligible Irish accents. If they saw a talking fox turn up on one of what they call “magic-boxes” they would probably worship it and offer it their young for sacrifice, not sue it for racial abuse.

The BBC had no comment to add so The Mail quite understandably went and got the next best thing: a quote from someone of no relevance to the story whatsoever.

“Senior Tory MP Patrick Mercer said last night: "Our police are under-staffed and hideously busy. Surely, they have got better things to do than investigate the alleged crimes of a fox puppet."

No, Patrick Mercer, of course they don’t. This is serious. How would you like it if someone started making stereotypical slurs against your lot, eh? It’s just not right you poncey Eton wanker.

This isn’t the first time Basil the fox has had a brush (sorry) with controversy. He was branded “homophobic” by Dr. Who writer Russell T. Davies in 2003 for laughing and pointing at his sidekick Mr. Stephen who had just been punched in the face after inadvertently chatting up a long-haired man he thought to be a woman. Honestly, children’s TV sounds fucking class these days. 

Just you wait ‘til Prince Charles gets his hounds on you, Brush. We’ll see who’s laughing then. Boom fucking boom.

Read more:

Basil Brush probed by police over 'racist abuse' in gipsy spell sketch – Daily Mail