Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.
We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.
Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.
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It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.
Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”
Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.
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Olly ‘the luckiest boiled potato on Earth’ Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can’t be denied.
But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.
And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles’ torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She’d probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.
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Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences. The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.
But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.
WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!
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Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.
Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.
They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!
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Ricky Martin is gay. Okay? Got that? Good. Because ladies, like George Michael, it doesn’t matter how much you fancy him because, unless you’re in possession of some unsightly testicles, he wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick.
However, like many homosexuals, Ricky found it difficult to come out of his closet.
What made it even worse for the singer is that he was petrified of announcing his sexuality to the world because he was under the impression that homosexuality was “evil”. Surely that only adds to the thrill of it with some?
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Katy Perry once kissed a girl and she liked it, if her personal reports are to be believed.
Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry‘s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.
Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?
We need to know.
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A homosexual moment between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s latest movie is the talk of the 61st Cannes Film Festival.
Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!
The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.
Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a joyful scene.
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