Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Be honest. You’ve thought of stealing from Celine Dion’s home. Rightly, you’ve figured that, if you have to put up with her terrible, terrible music, then it is only fair that you should be able to take her possessions as compensation.
Well, the goalposts have moved now because, if you’re considering burgling Celine, someone has really upped the stakes.
The ‘singer’ had her house broken into on Monday by a man so suave that he should be given a medal so large, that it blots out the sun.
Celebrity Stalking? is an art – one few have perfected.
We did though – don’t believe us? Then how do you explain us living in Dom DeLuise‘s pantry for almost a month. Our trick was to dress as something that wasn’t food. It doesn’t really matter what – that’s the only stuff that used to make it back there. Around week three we found ourselves having surprisingly deep discussions with a broom. Go ahead – mock.
That broom was the truest of friends.
We’re an excellent stalker. The lady recently caught peeping through Britney Spears windows, on the other hand, is a sucky one.
We’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that this is the dullest Britney Spears story in the world.
Britney Spears is moving house. That’s roughly it. She lived somewhere, soon she’ll be living somewhere else and that’s it. On a Twitter post, Britney Spears claimed that she’d shown her kids around the new house and they apparently love it. This is the bad news.
The good news is that Britney Spears decided to sell her old home at the height of this economic crisis. We assume that means Britney Spears is still slightly mental. Win.
Sienna Miller has had the word ‘slut’ spray painted on her house.
The British actress’ public image took another body blow following her much-criticised affair with married boyfriend Balthazar Getty after vandals wrote the insult on the outer wall of her North London home.
So who would do such a terrible thing? Well, of course, there is the legal wife or several children of the guy she is currently bonking senseless.
Then there is her jilted ex-lover Rhys Ifans. But Hecklerspray would like to make it very clear that we don’t think it is any of these people. Pointing the finger would be just wrong.
Plus the fact that Sienna Miller is so unpopular at the moment the list of possible culprits is too long to narrow down.
Now that Britney Spears can once again experience the delights of waking in up in the middle of the night because her kids are crying, it's time for a rethink.
You see, Britney Spears has recently been told that her children are now allowed to spend overnight visits with her, an important step towards regaining custody. But Britney doesn't want to keep her kids in squashed-together, paparazzi-filled Beverly Hills any more – she wants them to live somewhere safer, somewhere cleaner, somewhere with a huge garden that the children can play in.
That's right, Britney Spears is preparing to move house, which means that Britney's current abode could soon be up for sale. We hear it's the perfect place for anyone who likes their houses huge, reeking of cigarette smoke and full of fun character features like puddles of tears and disturbing fingernail scratches gouged into every available surface.
Our hero Prince Harry is to return home! The move follows the collapse of the news blackout deal that had been silently agreed between the MoD and newspapers and broadcasters in the UK and abroad.
Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.
But still, Harry’s home – Yay!
If you care deeply about the fate of houses that skinny dead women used to live in, then this is the story for you.
The family home of The Carpenters is going to be demolished because the current owner is sick of weird Carpenters fans hanging around all the time, and the fight is on to save the important memorial that one quite dull band used to live in for a while until one of them died.
Will the campaign to save The Carpenters house from demolition be successful? More importantly, can you really bring yourself to be even slightly bothered about whether a sodding house gets knocked down or not?
If you're a member of a stadium-filling middle-aged American rock band, you must be slowly waking up to the fact that God hates you.
That's the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen's house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it's a little more serious than we're making out – thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen's garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.
Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that's Bon Jovi.
