Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.
And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.
She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.
Read More >>>
Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.
BLECCH.
Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?
Read More >>>
The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.
We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.
How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.
Read More >>>
With his wrinkled, wizened face and ballbag neck, Neil Young is not a young man. In fact, he’s incredibly old. He’s always sung like he’s Methuselah, making Bob Dylan sound like a fresh-faced operatic toddler.
Of course, the older you get, the more you find things bugging you. Automated phone systems, self-service tills and absolutely everything young people do find a way into your bile, erupting out in a volley of complaint.
So what’s up with Neil Young now? Modern music, that’s what. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it in the same way his granddad would’ve hated his peers haircuts and music.
Read More >>>
Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?
Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.
So what did he say?
Read More >>>
Apart from the myriad of famous people, the insane volumes of high quality Class A drugs, the alcoholism, casting couches, gangster dollars, movie productions and deviant sexual tastes, Hollywood is a bit of a snoozefest isn’t it?
NOT NOW!
See, there’s a massive investigation under way in LA after two dogs found a human head in a plastic bag next to the Hollywood sign! And of course, because only celebrities live in Hollywood, everyone who has ever been in a film is now very much a suspect!
Read More >>>
Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.
That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.
And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.
Read More >>>
Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!
Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!
See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.
Read More >>>
