It’s christmas. Woopdeedoo and loop de loop and all that. Yes, that’s right, since you all asked so fucking nicely, we didn’t bother to do a video this week as it’s the festive season and is therefore all about building up your hopes in order to dash them.
In fact, we’re so set on driving you all to distraction that we’re going to have Christmas specials every week now because that’s exactly what christmas is all about. Incessant disappointment until you eat so much chocolate and drink so much cheap sherry that you may as well check into Dignitas on Boxing Day.
Still, euthanasia aside, it’s always best to start the Christmas period as early as possible because that’s where you make the most money and since all of you dribbling gits out there in internet land believe that the Christmas period can only officially begin when the Coca Cola advert has tugged its way around your heartstrings, we decided to start as soon as they do.
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Ladies and gentleman, a modern day miracle has occurred, Holly Willoughby has been cured of her fear of ghosts, much to the delight of Phillip Schofield’s long dead career.
Willoughby, also affectionately known as the Willobooby, suffered from Spectrophobia (which it turns out is a genuine phobia and not a bad 70s sci fi series) so badly that she was once reduced to tears on the set of This Morning after a segment about ghostly apparitions.
Wooooooooooooo! *rattles chains*
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If television isn’t bad enough to watch on a daily basis, TV execs make it ten-times worse by hiring unrelenting prick-jobs like Jason Gardiner. Under the assumption that Everyone Loves A Pantomime Dame, he chirrups away like a tumble-drier loaded up with idiocy, upsetting everyone and anyone he can. And guess what? He’s at it again (and thereby leaving the door wide open for everyone else to call him every name under the sun).
Yep. Gardiner is a man that thrives on faux-controversy on his Dancing on Ice gig and, regardless of what has actually happened in front of his piss-hole eyes, he arches an eyebrow and volleys up things like ‘you remind me of a shit in a bowl, swirling ’round and ’round’ and ‘your arms look like the veins on my member – you’re disgusting, arousing and I’m going to either eat you or dismantle your cranium… you shit ice-skater.’
So who is in his sights now? Well, he’s said that former Emmerdale actress Hayley Tamaddon (who?) is certain to win the pointless prancing cake of a show… only because the other finalists are “pillocks”.
Tamaddon will piss about on a lump of frozen water against Gary Lucy and Kieron Richardson (both former Hollyoakers) in Sunday’s final after Daniella Westbrook was voted off the show last weekend.
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Let's talk about boobs, baby. Let's drag up a story from 25th February and blame Fearne Cotton. Let's use the words Holly Willoughby, cleavage and nipples in the intro because it will get us more hits.
Back in 2004, Holly Willoughby was working as a children's TV presenter. During a live broadcast for morning noise-fest Ministry Of Mayhem her breasts wobbled out of her top for all the kids to see and applaud. Fast forward four years and she very nearly repeats the incident on ITV1's flagship reality show Dancing on Ice – only this time with added middle-aged men wanking into a frenzy.
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