The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

There should be a new law enacted that says that famous people must go through a famous people instructional course to teach them how to not be idiots. The main structure of the course would consist of teaching them to always wear undies with a short dress for a night on the town, never let your husband make a movie with Angelina Jolie, and a full semester on how to not let scandalous photos and videos into the hands of money whoring perverts.

The most optimal solution would not be to make them at all, because even if the photos never make it to the press, we all now know they exist, and it makes for a ridiculously exhausting time trying to block any and all images that may be conjured up.

Especially when the photos in question involve a pasty-skinned royal and his girlfriend. According to Great Britian’s The Sun, a couple of guys tried to sell photos of Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, to the paper an hour after the camera was reported missing. Reportedly, Kate Middleton’s presence in the pictures is assumed at this point, seeing as Price William’s teeth obscure most of her face in all of the shots.

According to The Sun, the pictures apparently held some “sexy snaps” of the couple on vacation in the Caribbean. It seems that any other detailed alliterations were withheld before the publication turned the photos in to London’s Metropolitan Police.

We hope that Prince Willy and his girlfriend will be more careful in the future. Additionally, we hope and pray that any photos of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles that may exist will never be revealed, but since any pictures of them probably disintegrate instantly, we should all be safe.

Right? We’re safe, right??

You could be like everyone else and do the same activities. Trips out to the overpriced cinema, fattening up your children at McDonald’s or even a day trip to the countryside to step in fox shit and get stung by stinging nettles.

One of the more popular things to do is visit a theme park. Alton Towers, Lightwater Valley and Thorpe Park are just some of the many attractions offering white knuckle rides to thrill seekers. Only problem is that these places are always full, and two hours queuing for a four-minute ride doesn’t really seem worth it. But fear not mummy or daddy, this year your youngsters will be pestering you to go to newest theme park that set to open: Katona Land.

Everyone knows Kerry Katona – she’s famous for not really being famous but was vaguely famous a long time ago. Still, it’s always a pleasure to open a Sunday newspaper and see what latest problem has affected the person who decided it would be brilliant to introduce her fourth child in to the world by filming the occasion and broadcasting it on MTV.

Other notable problems of Kerry’s have included multiple accounts of drug taking, stints in rehab, drinking and smoking through a pregnancy, parents who’ve whoring her out for magazine and book deals, rows with ex-husbands over child access, allegations of cheating concerning her current husband and countless squeals of the press invading her privacy.

Phew, is that everything? Still, filming and broadcasting her life on TV probably wasn’t the best move Kerry’s ever made but, hey, we’re not fame grabbers! In a rare moment of positive news, Kerry has decided to set up her own business! Digital Spy reports:

“The celebrity couple are reportedly looking to set up their own Butlins-style entertainment resort on the Orkney Islands. Kerry is a born entertainer and she plans to give this her all. The two of them have talked about the possibility of putting on light entertainment shows and greeting campers with Hi-De-Hi!-style announcements.”

Umm… great, get us our ticket now! What fun it’ll be for Kerry to belt out the few songs she sang with Atomic Kitten in front of a handful of bewildered pensioners. Her husband can give lifts round the islands or something; he is a taxi driver after all. Don’t forget to tip though – we’re sure they need the money.

We aren’t sure of admission charges to Kerry Katona’s holiday park, but we imagine it’ll either be £10 for kids, £20 for adults or if you’ve got it, a decent bag of cocaine. Oh, allegedly.

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Heather Mills isn’t just an activist for defenseless edible creatures, or a former model especially popular with the seeing-impaired demographic, but she’s also, of course, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who was awarded a paltry £24 million in the divorce.

She’s also a woman that screeches like a banshee when she gets upset, but that doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love.

So, we submit to you, the impartial jury, what man would not want to get with that? What man? Every single man anywhere ever, actually, except for this one guy, Jamie Walker.

No, you don’t know him, and neither do we. The only reason you should care is that six months from now when you hear about a new reality show coming out featuring Heather McCartney and her man-accessory picking our dressy prosthetic legs for a forthcoming charity auction, you’ll have a vague recollection of him, and it will bring you fond memories of us, as well as save you an internet search.

Anyway, Heather dug him up at the Tenerife Hotel she was staying at with her unfortunately-named daughter, Beatrice. This Jamie character is pretty much the exact opposite of Paul McCartney. He’s 36 years old, brawny, muscular, hasn’t been a member of The Beatles, and reportedly doesn’t have two coins to rub together between shifts handing out towels to rich divorcees at the pool.

It appears Heather isn’t put off by his lack of fortune, though. She knows what’s really important: his rockin’ bod. A so-called “friend” of Heather’s had this to say:

“Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie. He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's.”

In other news, this year’s Master of the Obvious award goes to Heather Mills for her poignant observations between the physique of her 66-year-old ex, and her current 36-year-old hunk of man candy. We will re-broadcast her acceptance speech once we have slowed it down and lowered the pitch so that dogs aren’t the only ones who can hear it.

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.

With the Burmese cyclone and the Chinese earthquake, the last thing the planet needs now is for yet another natural disaster to decimate it. We’re not sure if Britney Spears and Mel Gibson going on holiday to Costa Rica together qualifies as a natural disaster, but we’re furiously ramming crates of tinned food into an aid package just in case.

Because it’s hard to think of two celebrities who’ve made more of a douchey impact on the world over the last few years than Britney Spears and Mel Gibson.

While Britney’s been suffering from a gradual tick tick tick of spiralling mental instability that’s run the gauntlet from professional failure through allegations of child abuse all the way to a stint in a psychiatric hospital, Mel destroyed his life in one moment of explosive drunken car-driving anti-Semetic sex-threatening sugartittery. Different methods, sure, but with mainly the same result.

And this shared love of buggering their own lives up almost beyond repair have meant that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have struck up an unlikely friendship. Two months ago Britney and Mel were seen eating Russian food together, and now that’s been extended into a horrific-sounding Spears/Gibson family holiday in sunny Costa Rica. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed the singer joined Mel Gibson aboard a private jet this morning, bound for Costa Rica. The unlikely, but not unprecedented, duo was joined on their trip by Spears’ father, Jamie, and Gibson’s wife, Robyn. Though the exact nature of the trip is not yet known, it appears to be nothing more than a friendly weekend getaway, with a source telling E! News the group departed from Los Angeles with the intention of hanging out at Gibson’s Costa Rica property “for a couple days.”

Actually, it’s cruel of us to suggest that Britney and Mel’s weekend in Costa Rica will end up in a huge drunken mess. Mel Gibson has managed to get his career back on track since his little incident, and his propensity to help other troubled celebrities is admirable. Maybe a getaway with the Gibsons will help Britney Spears get right back on track.

So what will Britney Spears and Mel Gibson be doing in Costa Rica this weekend? Let’s see what Rough Guide has to say about the country:

San José’s nightlife is gratifyingly varied, with scores of friendly bars and live music venues. Be aware, though, that prostitution is legal in Costa Rica and, in San José, very mainstream. Sex tourism is on the rise, and you’ll find that many of the “bars” in downtown are, in reality, little more than pick-up joints for professional transactions.

Wuh-ohhhhhhh!

Read more:

Brit ‘n’ Mel Become Bon Voyage BFFs – E! Online

That’s just basic logic at work – your choices are essentially limited to taking a picture of Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley or approaching them and saying “Hi, I really loved you in Music And Lyrics/ Passenger 57.” And only the very worst kind of pathological liar would think to do that last one.

But wait – don’t go taking pictures of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley without their permission, because they’ll sue you and win £58,000, which is what happened yesterday after a photo agency took their picture on holiday. The moral of this story is that Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley value their privacy, although clearly not enough to stop making films and doing modelling jobs. Even though everyone sort of wishes they would.

We feel sorry for celebrities sometimes. Holidays should be a time for them to relax and unwind, but the current celebrity-obsessed culture means that there’ll always be an interest in them wherever they are on the planet. What kind of a world do we live in when a celebrity can’t even angrily shout at a child until it cries without it ending up in a newspaper? It’s disgusting.

Not even Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley are safe from this level of media intrusion. Although one of them is determined to keep churning out ever more creepy romantic comedies to growing public indifference and the other doesn’t really do anything, it didn’t stop a photographer from secretly snapping them on holiday together in a private resort in the Maldives recently.

Photographs? On holiday? Without permission? Surely people are only allowed to do that if they then track you down an hour later with the photo digitally printed onto a flimsy plastic plate and try to make you buy it for £35 while shouting “souvenir” at you in a funny accent.

Apparently so, because Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar have just managed to sue Big Pictures for £58,000 in damages after it sold the secret holiday photos of them to newspapers.

Of course the newspapers were interested in the photographs because a) Hugh Grant, his ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar went on holiday together? That’s a bit fruity, and b) The papers got to rock out some truly hopeless headlines because of it. The Times reports:

[Lawyer] Laura Tyler told Mr Justice Eady that the photos were taken covertly without their knowledge while they were on holiday in a resort which they had chosen for the privacy and seclusion it offered. “It has been most upsetting for the claimants to have their privacy invaded by these defendants,” she said… News Group published three of the photos in News of the World in an article headed “Liz does the blokey-cokey”. Associated published four photos in The Mail on Sunday in an article headed “Hugh’s that gooseberry?”.

So congratulations to Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley for winning their lawsuit. After all, everyone knows that when someone takes your photograph they steal a little bit of your soul, which is why Hugh and Liz have fought so hard over these holiday snaps. True, having sat through American Dreamz and Double Whammy we’re not entirely convinced that Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley actually had souls to begin with, but let’s not rain on their special moment right now.

Read more:

Liz Hurley, Hugh Grant and Arun Nayar win damages for invasion of privacy – Times