Holiday - HecklerSpray

Charlie Sheen Takes Ex On Holiday Because Everyone Else Can’t Stand The Sight Of Them

August 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

Ronnie Wood’s Son Gets Beaten With Baseball Bats And We’re Supposed To Care

July 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ronnie Wood – a man who looks like all four faces of Mount Rushmore packed into one particularly perished melon – is of course, rock royalty. This means that, away from him mugging on-stage with The Rolling Stones, we’re supposed to care about the other aspects of his life.

So has something bad happened to Ron Wood? Well, apart from that whole midlife crisis and running off with a woman 300 years younger than him, not really.

See, his youngest son, Tyrone, has been beaten up really badly with a baseball bat while on holiday in Greece. But we’ve never heard of him before, so we can just treat it like any no-mark who has had their arse handed to them, right?

Sorry Lads, Kelly Brook And Danny Thingy Are Back Together… We Think

December 24th, 2010 By Kris Silver

Kelly Brook, the only girl who comes anywhere near matching the sheer loveliness of Zooey Deschanel, is off the market again by the looks of it.

The buxom British babe, star of Piranha 3D and? probably something else none of us can quite think of right now, apart from that issue of Playboy she got her norks out for obviously.

Apparently the lovely Kelly has jetted off to the Maldives with her ex Danny Caprisun, a bloke what plays Rugby, that sport where big men give each other special hugs whilst wearing tight tops and shorts.

The Inevitable Saucy Prince William, Kate Middleton Photos Mercifully Not Released

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Famous people never learn which is perhaps why we love them ever so dearly. They never learn that you never take scandalous pictures and/or video with your significant other and expect them to remain safely under wraps.

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

Kerry Katona To Open Caravan Theme Park. Pikeys Not Included.

March 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Are you a parent and wondering what do to entertain your children this summer?

You could be like everyone else and do the same activities. Trips out to the overpriced cinema, fattening up your children at McDonald’s or even a day trip to the countryside to step in fox shit and get stung by stinging nettles.

One of the more popular things to do is visit a theme park. Alton Towers, Lightwater Valley and Thorpe Park are just some of the many attractions offering white knuckle rides to thrill seekers. Only problem is that these places are always full, and two hours queuing for a four-minute ride doesn’t really seem worth it. But fear not mummy or daddy, this year your youngsters will be pestering you to go to newest theme park that set to open: Katona Land.

Heather Mills finds Non-Saggy, Non-Geriatric Biped to Tolerate Her

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like: 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?'; 'Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing?'; and 'Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky-voiced woman with three remaining limbs who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?'

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Britney Spears & Mel Gibson Go Wild In Costa Rica Together

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Travel advice now for Jewish, crotch-repulsed drivers headed to Costa Rica this weekend – don’t go!

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.

Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley & Arun Nayar Win A Load Of Lawsuit Cash

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you see Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley, you’re bound to want to take a picture of them.

That’s just basic logic at work – your choices are essentially limited to taking a picture of Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley or approaching them and saying “Hi, I really loved you in Music And Lyrics/ Passenger 57.” And only the very worst kind of pathological liar would think to do that last one.

But wait – don’t go taking pictures of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley without their permission, because they’ll sue you and win £58,000, which is what happened yesterday after a photo agency took their picture on holiday. The moral of this story is that Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley value their privacy, although clearly not enough to stop making films and doing modelling jobs. Even though everyone sort of wishes they would.