Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.

Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.

BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?

When a boyband runs out of ideas, it is a good idea to trade on the vague drama they’ve had in their career.

This usually manifests itself in a song about how much they’ve grown up, complete with a black and white montage video of all the members, complete with slightly embarrassing footage of them starting out and slo-mo screaming fans in a stadium somewhere (usually South America to show just how popular they are worldwide).

Sadly, most boybands are completely soap-opera free. In Take That’s case, they are an actual band, so the slightly pretentious documentaries, scandals and reunions are as close to the real deal as supposedly more credible rock bands. In the case of Westlife, they’ve simply forged a career through tenacity. They simply refuse to go away. The closest thing to controversy is when doe-eye in chief, Shane Filan, responded to a potential McFadden reunion last year, when he said:

“I don’t think it’s even remotely interesting if Brian came back”

That’s almost an opinion! That’s definitely the closest thing Westlife have ever gotten to trouble. Naturally, that thinking has been swept under the rug now. The crease has been ironed out. There’s no need for Westlife to be even remotely interesting. Shane now says:

“I look up to bands like Take That who are the best out there and it was good to see them put the past behind them and move on by having Robbie back.”

“I’d never rule out Brian coming back because there never was a bad patch with him. Brian was great with fans. I definitely think some day it would be great fun to sing with Brian again.”

See? How staggeringly uninteresting is that? We hoped for ‘we’d reluctantly take him back… he was a prize weapon just before he left and he’s got some serious apologising to do… mainly for that gaspingly peculiar chin he’s got.’ But no. Everything is lovely and beige in the Westlife garden. How bloody wonderful.

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Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.

Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.

And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.

The biggest scandal for anyone who remotely cares about this tedious union is the age gap between the two singers.

Basically, Delta Goodrem is 26 years old and Nick Jonas recently celebrated his tenth birthday where he received gifts from his singing brothers, such as a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush and some He-Man figures.

Apparently, this gasping duo have developed a close relationship while recording obviously awful tracks for Delta’s new album in LA earlier in the year. And now, they’ve been spotted sloping off for a romantic evening of necking on the back row of the Arclight Cinema.

Amusingly, Delta has been rumoured to have had an affair with ‘work colleague’ while going out with Brian McFadden. We asked the heckler magic 8-ball if the ‘work colleague’ was Nick Jonas and it initially said ‘No’, but we shook it a few times ’til it said ‘All signs point to yes’.

So there you have it. It is definitely on.

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P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince’s basement.

Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.

But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:

“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.

“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.

“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”

Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it:

We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.

Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.