Hobbit fans had better just put their stupid wizard gowns and Golem masks back in the closet – Middle Earth is officially in turmoil.

Why? Because Hobbit director Guillermo Del Toro has quit as director of The Hobbit – and Peter Jackson has already ruled out taking the reins.

Apparently, the constant delays caused by the financial woes at MGM have pissed Guillermo Del Toro off so much he has decided to walk.

These are, of course, delays that Jackson and De Toro had only acknowledged until recently. So officially De Toro is kind of quitting over nothing.

This is after already spending two years in New Zealand with WETA preparing to make the two-part film.

The news is a right pain in The Ring for LOTR fans, who apparently were looking forward to seeing more emaciated Mexican eye-hand monsters than in Tolkien’s original vision.

He was also seen as an ideal choice to replace Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson – not because of his creative vision or anything like that, but because he looks exactly like Peter Jackson in a Bo Selecta mask.

But not now, after Del Toro decided he was sick of living in a Third World country or something. Well, you can’t blame him. New Zealand may look pretty, but there is sod all to do. OK, we are making this bit up.

Speaking on The One Ring, Del Toro said: “In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming The Hobbit, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life.

“After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures. I remain grateful to Peter, Fran and Philippa Boyens, New Line and Warner Brothers and to all my crew in New Zealand. I’ve been privileged to work in one of the greatest countries on earth with some of the best people ever in our craft and my life will be forever changed. The blessings have been plenty, but the mounting pressures of conflicting schedules have overwhelmed the time slot originally allocated for the project. Both as a co-writer and as a director, I wish the production nothing but the very best of luck and I will be first in line to see the finished product. I remain an ally to it and its makers, present and future, and fully support a smooth transition to a new director.”

Del Toro will, however, continue to co-write the screenplays with Fran Walsh, Jackson and Phillipa Boyens. But those hoping producer Jackson would step up to the plate are in for some bad news (although we did mention it in the second sentence). Jackson’s manager Ken Kamins said:

“Peter has and has had obligations and commitments to other films that would make it impossible for him to direct The Hobbit at this time, even if it was offered, which it hasn’t been.”

Mind you, Jackson is half the man he used to be, literally.

Meanwhile, Jackson added the usual crap you see at the end of press releases.

He said: “We feel very sad to see Guillermo leave The Hobbit, but he has kept us fully in the loop and we understand how the protracted development time on these two films, due to reasons beyond anyone’s control, has compromised his commitment to other long term projects.

“The bottom line is that Guillermo just didn’t feel he could commit six years to living in New Zealand, exclusively making these films, when his original commitment was for three years. Guillermo is one of the most remarkable creative spirits I’ve ever encountered and it has been a complete joy working with him.

“Guillermo’s strong vision is engrained into the scripts and designs of these two films, which are extremely fortunate to be blessed with his creative DNA.”

So is The Hobbit destined for Mount Doom? Well, in hecklerspray’s inexpert opinion: No chance, there’s too much money to be made to let it slip. Even if they have to get Michael bloody Bay to direct.

God, we have just thrown up in our mouths.

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Budgets must be tight at The Hobbit. Why else would they want a tiny, wee actor like James McAvoy to play the lead role of Bilbo Baggins unless they wanted to save on the special effects?

The annoying Scottish star has been heavily linked to be the star of the heavily-anticipated movie, which will be directed by Guillermo Del Toro and produced by Peter Jackson.

And, you have to say, he would be perfect as a hobbit. Well, he’s already about 3ft tall.

Now, Guillermo Del Toro refused to say just who they have in mind for the part, saying:

“I can tell you it’s down to a few names that we all agree upon. For our first choice, completely magically, we all have the same name.”

However, sources close to the project allegedly told The Daily Express:

“A number of names have been doing the rounds, including Daniel Radcliffe and Jack Black, but James (McAvoy) is the one the film’s bosses really want. They’re expected to have talks soon, so hopefully it could be confirmed in the not too distant future.”

If these are the best they can come up with, it might actually be a good thing that the film could be stopped in its tracks before it’s even started.

Hang on – Jack Black?!? Now, that would be odd!

Anyway, so The Daily Express say they have sources close to the project do they? Since, this is a newspaper which is only interested in reporting about Princess Diana more than a decade after her death, can we really take them seriously?

Daniel Radcliffe, Jack Black and James McAvoy? Aren’t they just naming small actors? Why isn’t Tom Cruise in there? They could save on effects there too.

Also, the fact, James McAvoy has a few films coming out soon (which we refuse to name), could this just be a PR stunt?

Well, like every other website, hecklerspray has taken the bait. But, thankfully, they could be saved by the fact Ron Perlman is probably going to be in the film.

Del Toro was recently quoted saying he wants the Hellboy star in the film, possibly as the voice of Smaug, although he also says he has ‘other plans’ for Perlman.

Sir Ian McKellen and Andy Serkis will also reprise their roles.

The Hobbit will definitely be coming to cinemas, and it'll probably have more creepy scrawny Mexican eye-hand monsters than you remembered.

That's because Guillermo Del Toro – director of Pan's Labyrinth and Blade II – is reportedly in talks to take on both proposed Hobbit movies when they eventually get written and made.

And Guillermo Del Toro has certainly won over the fans, too – not because of his creative vision or anything like that, mind you, but because he looks exactly like Peter Jackson in a Bo Selecta mask.

Nobody wanted the Lord Of The Rings trilogy to end; not least Lord Of The Rings itself, thanks to its brain-numbing, bladder-cramping procession of witless drawn-out endings that lasted – we timed it – for four entire days. But Lord Of The Rings wasn't enough for the fans, and nor were the mega-extended super-lengthened DVD editions of Lord Of The Rings that came with the guarantee that you'd die of old age before the middle of The Two Towers if you tried to watch them.

And that left The Hobbit. It didn't matter that The Hobbit was a kid's book or that it basically involves a bit of a stroll, a dragon-killing and then a bit of a stroll home again, because demand to make The Hobbit was hot. But then Peter Jackson and New Line had a fight and it was all called off. And then Peter Jackson and New Line made up again and The Hobbit was back on, even though Jackson couldn't be arsed to direct it.

So step forward Guillermo Del Toro, creator of the award-winning Pan's Labyrinth. It's been reported that Del Toro is currently the frontrunner to direct the two proposed Hobbit movies thanks to his fantastical visual flair and inventive world-building skills. 

That's all well and good, but can he fly in a helicopter filming a couple of midgets and a wizard walk across a mountain for three or four hours at a time? If not, he'd better bloody learn. Anyway, even though IMDb lists Guillermo Del Toro as  having ten producing jobs and three directing jobs lined up – not including the Harry Potter movie he's fighting Steven Spielberg for, Del Toro thinks he'd be brilliant for The Hobbit. E! Online reports:

"I’ve heard some rumblings, but nothing official," del Toro told Entertainment Weekly last month when asked if he'd been approached for the job. "I don’t want to think about it because it’s such an eventuality. It’s the only Tolkien book I read…I read it and I loved it. So it would be a privilege."

Well that's hardly the basis for anything – it's the only Tolkien book we've read as well, so we're just as qualified to direct The Hobbit as this Guillermo De Toro character. Admittedly we read it as children and we can't really remember most of it – we think there was a bit about a sports car and SuperTed featured heavily in the climax – but we are cheap.

Never let it be said that we aren't cheap.

Read more: 

Del Toro a Hobbit-Forming Director - E! Online