If there’s one thing we hate it’s taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

Hecklerspray has had its ups and downs with Lee Ryan in the past, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that he’s easily our fifth-favourite former member of Blue, after Duncan, Simon, Zeppo and Digby The Biggest Dog In The World.

We love Lee Ryan because he speaks his mind. Whether he’s angrily reminding people about elephants following the September 11 attacks, getting thrown off a reality TV show during an argument about pikeys or just appearing to shout abuse at strangers in the street, Lee Ryan’s compulsion to bring the truth is admirable to say the least. Also, we quite fancy his Mum.

But every now and again Lee Ryan hits a stumbling block, like when he has to write his thoughts down or when taxi drivers infuriate him so much that he can only express himself by punching them in the side of the head three times.

That’s what apparently happened on New Year’s Eve when it’s been claimed that Lee Ryan punched taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head after his fiancee drove into his taxi, then punched him a further three times after Ibrahim pushed him away. And, charged with common assault, Lee Ryan went to court yesterday.

Although he denies the attack, Lee Ryan faces six months in prison if found guilty. Which he probably won’t, because it’s just Lee’s word against the taxi driver’s. And the passenger who claims to have seen Lee Ryan punching the taxi driver quite clearly. Anyway, don’t get excited just yet, because Lee’s actual trial has been pushed back a bit, as BBC News reports:

The 25-year-old denies the attack and had been due to stand trial. However, the case was delayed because Mr Ibrahim was in India and could not attend Redhill Magistrates Court. Raymond Lewis, defending Mr Ryan, told the court his client punched Mr Ibrahim once in self-defence. When details of his arrest were made public, Mr Ryan was sacked from a “prime-time” ITV Saturday night show in which he was due to appear in six episodes, Mr Lewis told the court.

A prime time Saturday night TV show? What could it have been? Not Britain’s Got Talent, surely, because we’ve seen Lee Ryan’s tapdancing ventriloquist act and frankly it needs a lot of work. Kids Do The Funniest Things? Hardly – it’s called Kids Do The Funniest Things, not Kids Repeatedly Outwit An Angry And Confused Former Boyband Member. We do notice that this Saturday night ITV is showing The Big Fight, though, and that’s not outside the realms of possibility, is it?

Anyway, the point is that Lee Ryan got sacked from the show right after he was arrested for common assault. So here’s what we propose. Next time Lee Ryan’s due to go on TV, we all paint targets on the side of our heads and walk around singing Army Of Lovers in a sarcastic way on the off-chance that Lee Ryan sees it, lashes out and gets the sack again. Sure, it’ll sting a bit, but it’s your moral duty as a human being to keep Lee from being on the telly as much as you can.

Read more:

Former Blue star ‘punched driver’ - BBC

Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap – the sort of man who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

So it’s a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6’6″ heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel.

We’re genuinely stunned by this news. We’ve seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn’t look the sort. It’s utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don’t buy it for a second.

Ladies, if you ever meet anyone who used to be famous in the 1990s but isn’t any more, run away. Don’t think, just run away. Chances are they’ll end up violently attacking you. Look at the evidence – first Vanilla Ice was arrested for beating up a woman and now Dennis Rodman has done the exact same thing. Who will it be next? One of The Bluetones? God help us all.

Anyway, back to Dennis Rodman. We haven’t seen much of Rodman in the UK for a while, not since he mumbled “you – chainsaw massacre” in his sleep at Michael Barrymore on Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago. Not that he hasn’t been busy – since then Dennis Rodman has managed to occupy himself by slapping women on the arse and, if these new allegations are true, drunkenly beating up people he’s supposed to be in love with.

That’s right – Dennis Rodman has been arrested for allegedly attacking his girlfriend. The old charmer. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

The 46-year-old was released this morning on $50,000 bail. A spokesman for the star tells TMZ.com the incident was alcohol induced. The representative says, “Last night Dennis and his girlfriend had too much to drink. When they returned to their hotel they started arguing and a minor altercation broke out where Dennis grabbed her by the arm and left a bruise. His drinking has been escalating in the last six weeks due to a nasty divorce (from Michelle Moyer) and not seeing his children in over two months.”

Oh thank god for that, Dennis Rodman only attacked a woman in a drunken rage. That’s fine, we’ve all done that. And you have to admire Rodman’s three-steps-ahead logic in all of this as well – there’s no faster way to resume visitation rights with your estranged children than by getting shitfaced and beating up your loved ones, is there?

However, maybe Dennis Rodman has even managed to appall himself here – according to the spokesman, Rodman plans to check himself into rehab at the first possible opportunity. That way, next time Dennis Rodman beats up a woman he can do it stone cold sober. Live the dream, Dennis, live the dream.

Read more:

Rodman Arrested Over Domestic Battery - SFC