We know Lee Ryan is a serious individual. After all, the last time we ran a story informing everyone he’d “rip your fucking face off”, if you messed him around, it kind of all kicked off. Even our own Mof Gimmers felt the venom of Lee Ryan as he got told he had a nose like Shrek. The poor man was shaking for weeks afterwards.

The lesson learnt there? That it is possible for a second rate Danny Dyer to actually exist. We decided that a casual game of chess and mug of hot chocolate wouldn’t cement the rift caused between us and we thought it’d be best to leave the singer alone. Lee may be a lovely chap at heart, but over the weekend his bell-end side has resurfaced as allegations of punching his girlfriend Samantha Miller have come to light. If this is deemed to be true, then we can definitely call him a douche.

How will the defendant plead when he takes the stand on the 27th August? Innocent probably, but what about a concrete argument that will make everyone retract everything said about him. Dumbing down our intelligence to reach Lee Ryan’s level, we expect him to say something along these lines:

1 – It was all Chris Brown’s fault. We all know that Chris Brown was charged with assault after punching Rihanna and subsequently had to pick up peoples rubbish at the side of the road. Frankly a spell in prison where he became the cell bitch of an inmate would have been more appropriate, but you can’t have everything can you? Complaining he was influenced to do the same probably wouldn’t help his case, but might confuse the judge for a split second.

2 – It was all Eminem’s fault – Recently, Eminem released a video featuring himself prancing around in a field whilst a couple had a bit of a falling out. Subconsciously, this video may have played a factor in causing Lee Ryan to allegedly lash out. As your reading this, we’re already creating effigies of Eminem out of sweet wrappers in order to burn. We’re disgusted that this video has caused Lee Ryan’s behaviour to spiral out of control.

How will fans of Lee Ryan cope? We’re not personally sure as the last time we checked, elephants still found it difficult to type on keyboards. But for any self deluded people, we’re sure that even if a guilty verdict is slapped on the star, then it’ll be the wrong decision and people like us are just haters and Samantha Miller punched herself for shits and giggles. A Metropolitan Police spokesman said:

“Lee Ryan, self-employed, of Henley-on-Thames, is due to appear on bail charged with common assault.”

A spokesperson for Lee however did say:

“Lee 100 per cent denies common assault. He’ll be fighting these charges.”

Given that he allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face, the term “fighting the charges” shouldn’t have really been used. Though if you’re a self-employed musician which in literal terms means busker, not having a PR person behind you to make sure gaffs like that don’t happen will always be common.

We do hope that Lee Ryan is found innocent of these allegations as if he gets thrown in to prison, he’ll only come out and release a concept album about the experience.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Typical alien harassment includes your bed being surrounded by little green men in the middle of the night, or your car being surrounded by Mexicans offering to install your new garden hose for a reasonable fee as you’re pulling out of the Home Depot.

For some though, alien harassment includes slight destruction of property. For the record – when we said ‘for some’ at the beginning of that last sentence, we meant ‘for one.’ And that’s because some guy thinks that an alien marksman in orbit has singled out his house, and hit it with six verified meteorites in the past three years.

One would think that if aliens were interested in us, it would be in a scientific sort of way. If they were  interested in anything but our forms of government, our feeble attempts at science or why corn shows up in our poop unaltered, we’d be surprised.

But according to a Bosnian named Radivoje Lajic, these aliens are interested in much more than corn-filled poo. They also like to watch him step outside in a rain storm and wave his fist at the sky while yelling horrible things he intends to do to the mother of whoever threw that last space rock.

In case we haven’t mentioned it already – his house has been hit with six meteorites in the last three years. As the Metro puts it:

“Radivoje Lajic first came to international attention in 2008, shortly after the fifth meteorite had crashed into the roof of his house in the northern village of Gornji Lajici. And now, within the past month, another rock has hit the roof of his house, in defiance of all the odds – making it six strikes since the plague of meteorites began in 2007.

“Experts at Belgrade University have confirmed that all the falling rocks he has handed over were meteorites. They are now trying to work out what exactly it is about his house that particularly attracts them. The strikes always happen when it is raining heavily, he says, never when there are clear skies.”

And now we’ll list every reason we can think of why this one house would consistently be hit by meteorites.

1: It takes up all of Bosnia. The house is absolutely massive and the roof literally stretches from border to border.

2: Lajic’s wife sucks not only the souls of men, but also the souls of passing cosmic bodies.

3. God hates him with a rarely shown godly passion.

Clearly all of the above reasons are both plausible and likely – but Lajic casts them aside for a theory of his own. This from the Sun:

Lajic, 50, who has had a steel girder reinforced roof put on the house to protect himself from further strikes, is convinced he is being persecuted.

He said: “I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense.

“The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit six times has to be deliberate. If you rule out the possible, then the impossible must be true.”

Well let’s just hope the ETs are content to harass from a distance. If not, Lajic could find himself on the receiving end of a little gray panty raid.

Not cool aliens. Not cool indeed.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Ever since Lindsay Lohan decided to trade alleged drug abuse for alleged lesbianism, you have to admit that she’s been a bit of a snore.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Rehab has certainly worked out well for Lindsay Lohan. Before her string of DUI arrests caused her to seek help, Lindsay Lohan’s life was a mess of accidental nudity and bad films and the stink of booze and cigarettes and traffic accidents. But now things are completely different for her.

Now Lindsay Lohan’s life is a mess of deliberate nudity and no films and the stink of just cigarettes. But thanks to the motorbike scrape that Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into this weekend, at least she’s still keeping up the traffic accident quota.

According to reports, Lindsay Lohan was out on the town in New York on Saturday night when a motorbike clipped her outside a nightclub on 32nd Street.

While we assume that the driver of the motorbike caught a glimpse of Lindsay’s ginger hair, sharp teeth and oddly reflective eyes and drove into her deliberately, wrongly guessing that she was an urban fox out to eat someone’s baby, we’re pleased to report that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. Unless they were. Assuming the crash even happened in the first place. Here’s where it gets confusing.

You see, the reports say that Lindsay Lohan was taken to the Beth Israel Medical Centre for treatment after the crash. Well, the reports and the employee of the Beth Israel Medical Centre who confirmed to the New York Post that someone called Lindsay Lohan had been admitted on the night of the accident.

But that doesn’t mean that the accident actually happened, does it? Not if you’re Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s family or Lindsay Lohan’s publicist. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dina said it was just gossip. I don’t think that anything actually happened,” Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, said after speaking to his ex-wife, Dina, yesterday. “I asked her and she said it didn’t happen,” said Lindsay’s publicist, Leslie Sloane. “She says she wasn’t [at the hospital].” He added, “Dina said it’s a bunch of bull doodie.”

Interesting. So did it happen or was it bull doodie? Who the hell knows, frankly. But if you were Leslie Sloane, you’d deny it too, wouldn’t you. Ever since Lindsay Lohan stopped drinking, Sloane’s had nothing to deny at all – not like the good old days where she’d pass off what could have been Lindsay’s alcohol-fuelled collapses as everything from asthma to dehydration. She probably leapt on this one as fast as she could.

In fact, we don’t know why Leslie Sloane doesn’t just start denying everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does. It’d much more fun. Remember when Lindsay Lohan had sex in a toilet? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan stole that woman’s coat? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a well-respected actress rather than a dumbly monotonous tabloid fixture? Didn’t happen.

No really, that one didn’t actually happen.