hit and run - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan To Appear As Herself On Glee (Tragic)

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.

At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?

Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on?Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.

Michael Says God Will Judge Lindsay Lohan (Psst – God Doesn’t Exist)

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.

Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!

Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.

Lindsay Lohan Apparently Has It Off With Skydiving Porn No-Mark

May 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan is once again gracing our pages, this time, apparently having it off with a porn star. And the best thing about it is that she is supposed to have taken wang while her father slept in a room upstairs.

And the man who claims he put the tip into LiLo is someone we’ve covered before on these pages.

Do you remember Alex Torres, who goes by the screen name Voodoo? Well, he’s the bloke who made a skydiving bongo flick. That’s right. Its the guy who grimaced unconvincingly into a woman while hurtling through the sky. He’s ‘done’ Lohan as well. Possibly for money.

Pitbull Says That Lindsay Lohan Shouldn’t Sue Him (She Should Try Killing Him Instead)

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Pitbull’s fame, like David Guetta’s, is absolutely mystifying. They’ve featured on every single record made in the past three years and continued to be powerful movers-and-shakers, despite an obvious absence of talent or charisma. There can be only one logical explanation for their influence.

They clearly own TMZ and have so much dirt on the celebrity world that anyone who refuses their collaborations will be met with the most scurrilous rumours in print and leaked nude photographs.

One person who is about to be ruined is Lindsay Lohan who has decided to take Pitbull on, quite possibly, in a court of law.

Lindsay Lohan: Hit And Run, Police Involvement And Hurray She’s Back!

March 14th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Jewel thief. Drunk. Druggie. Violent. Broken. Ankle tagged. Rehabber. Corpse worker. Oh, and actress. Lindsay Lohan has had a colourful life hasn’t she? Then, she looked like she was going to straighten-up and go all Christian.

Then she remembered who she was.

And so, after drinking and getting her boobs out in Playboy, LiLo is back in the game, this time, running over someone in her car and fleeing the scene! Hurray! HURRAY! Bloodshed and tears! That’s what we want!

Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Boozing And Isn’t Having Sex In Petrol Stations

February 2nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

Lindsay Lohan Ran A Woman Over And ‘Anguish’ Ensued! Hurray!

January 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.

Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.

So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called?Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.

Paris Hilton’s Boyfriend Runs A Woman Over With His Motor Car

September 30th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Walking piggy bank, Paris Hilton, is having a rough time of it at the moment. Yes, she’s insanely rich, but everyone’s seen her getting off with Lindsay Lohan and she’s in trouble for remembering the difference between cocaine and chewing gum.

Of course, we’re only showing vague interest in her because she was thrust into the spotlight for being thick and deluded on a reality show… and… well, by now, every human on Earth has seen her having sex via a nightvision lens, leaving us all acutely aware of what the Incredible Hulk looks like with a boner.

Now, she’s got more bad news as her boyfriend is in trouble with the police after an alleged hit and run involving a female photographer.

Britney Spears Trial Dies Of Boredom

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who’d emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

If this is the case we’d like to make a two-part apology. 1) We’re sorry you’re an idiot and 2) you’ve obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong – everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

Britney Spears Is Innocent! Or Guilty! Nobody Really Knows!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn’t make a mockery of just about everything?

You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we’re talking about – a woman who’d have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she’d had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son’s ankles into the water halfway through – so of course it hasn’t gone smoothly.

In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears’ was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it’d be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she’d be so guilty that we’d probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.