Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.
Git.
And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).
Read More >>>
Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.
Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.
So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.
Read More >>>
Walking piggy bank, Paris Hilton, is having a rough time of it at the moment. Yes, she’s insanely rich, but everyone’s seen her getting off with Lindsay Lohan and she’s in trouble for remembering the difference between cocaine and chewing gum.
Of course, we’re only showing vague interest in her because she was thrust into the spotlight for being thick and deluded on a reality show… and… well, by now, every human on Earth has seen her having sex via a nightvision lens, leaving us all acutely aware of what the Incredible Hulk looks like with a boner.
Now, she’s got more bad news as her boyfriend is in trouble with the police after an alleged hit and run involving a female photographer. Read More >>>
We’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who’d emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.
If this is the case we’d like to make a two-part apology. 1) We’re sorry you’re an idiot and 2) you’ve obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.
Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong – everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.
Read More >>>
Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn’t make a mockery of just about everything?
You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we’re talking about – a woman who’d have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she’d had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son’s ankles into the water halfway through – so of course it hasn’t gone smoothly.
In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears’ was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it’d be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she’d be so guilty that we’d probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.
Read More >>>
It’s weird now, isn’t it, that Britney Spears has got hair and speaks in sentences rather than paranoid garbled shrieks.
In fact, we miss the old red-eyed, crazy British-accented Britney Spears who was allowed to stumble around everywhere followed by a pack of screaming paparazzi. And that’s why we’re clinging to the last remnant of that era as hard as we can – Britney Spears’ hit and run trial. Even though it’s plainly rubbish.
So far, the trial has lasted about 30 seconds and Britney Spears hasn’t once been anywhere near the courtroom – and now it’s down to the jury. After deliberating furiously over the trial, jurors expected to return soon with their verdict. And, given the special nature of this trial, the verdicts open to them are ‘Shut up’ and ‘Nobody even cares’.
Read More >>>
Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things.
And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second – we’re talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous.
We know this because people still aren’t shutting up about it – Britney’s lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring “Make it stop” does still count as shock, right?
Read More >>>
As Jeremy Thomas, Tom Green, Jane Pratt, Fabrizio Moretti & the people in charge of food on the set of Music & Lyrics might tell you, Drew Barrymore’s bad side is not a place you want to be.
Justin Long might tell you that too, but give him a week or so. And why don’t you want to incur her anger? because if you do she’ll chase you down, pounce on your right shoulder and suck your heart out through a hole she bites in the back of your neck.
That was actually a recurring dream we had for most of the sixth grade. We still can’t watch her films without trembling. Another person who will probably never be able to stand the sight of her again (especially enlarged like that on the silver screen), is the guy that just made her the victim of a hit and run.
He didn’t get away. She chased him in her car at speeds in excess of 35 mph.
Hey – we’re serious here.
Read More >>>
