The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.

Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.

It’s a bloody popularity contest.

Brooke, obviously not content with just being the daughter of a worldwide phenomenon (who happens to be suffering one of the all-time great falls from grace) and a failed pop starlet has come out and berated Paris Hilton for her opinions, or lack thereof, on politics.

Eagle-eyed view-o-readers may remember that Paris released a spoof campaign video some time in the last week or so, responding to a Republican campaign ad from a few days prior. Obviously this makes her something of a high brow political commentator, or something.

At least, it does in Brooke Hogan’s eyes. Her stupid, stupid eyes.

And poor little Brookey, starved for the attention she normally demands, isn’t very happy with vapid blonde morons having their two cents thrown into the ring when it comes to politics. Nor does she understand the concept of irony, it would seem Writing on her ‘popular’ blog, the Hoganette said:

“Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its ‘cool’ to vote for so and so…they aren’t even up to date on information,” Brooke wrote. “I’M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don’t wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said ‘yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!’ …SHE WASN’T EVEN REGISTERED.”

Maybe it would be fine – maybe we could take this kind of thing at face value, or possibly we could just accept that this girl might actually have something of a politically-charged mind on her shoulders.

But then you do have to remember this is the same Brooke Hogan that said Hillary Clinton shouldn’t run for the US presidency as she would be too ‘emotional’ and ‘crazy’ thanks to PMS and menopause. While we won’t argue with the sentiment, she is clearly talking bum.

We would hope that Paris Hilton would form some kind of new video response to this, but surely not even she is attention-seeking enough to bother responding to a comment by a nobody? We mean, she doesn’t respond to hecklerspray, and we’re somebody.

A big, fat, smelly somebody.

That’s right, the US presidential elections. But we’re not going to bother ourselves with any of this ‘Who’ll win?’ malarkey – instead we’re focusing on what the next scandal to hit the candidates will be. None are likely to be as funny as Barack Obama’s kooky reverend, but if they happen and get confirmed by either Bloomberg, CNN or Fox, you’ll win. Profiting from other people’s misery – what could possibly be sweeter?

Here are the US election betting odds for a shop lifting scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

Shop Lifting – Of all the scandals that could hit the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates next, shop lifting would probably be the most fun to witness. Sure,  shoplifting might not have the dire political implications of, say, campaign financing irregularity or the tabloid newsworthiness of an affair – but it is the funniest scandal, and that’s what’s important. But while a resurfacing scandal about a decades-old shop lifting incident would be funny – just to see a ruddy-faced newsagent accuse Barack Obama of swiping a comic book 30 years ago – it’s not what we want. Admit it – we want to see presidential candidate get caught shop lifting something now. We want to see CCTV footage of John McCain wandering into a supermarket in a big coat and stuffing it full of frozen chickens when the security guard has his back turned. We want to see Hillary Clinton claiming that she accidentally forgot to pay for the eight bottles of red wine that she shoved down her tights. Hand on heart, we’d vote for any candidate who habitually stole minor items from convenience stores just to see if they could. If we were American, that is. Current US Presidential election betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow – DUI! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power US elections betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”

Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.

There have been so many celebrity endorsements of the various candidates running for president this year that it’s left us a bit giddy. And celebrity endorsements are just so pointlessly woolly anyway that they’re hardly worth making.

Really, does anyone care who Heidi Montag supports or what Jack Nicholson thinks? And, really, will an endorsement by Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son influence voters one way or another? Actually, OK, yes, Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son probably will influence a lot of voters. You can’t argue with political aptitude like that.

The latest celebrity hoping to tell the public what to think is Elton John. That’s quite a comfortable role for Elton John to take, because he’s always telling us what to think, whether it’s that the internet is stupid or that young people dress badly or that an Elton John-branded scented candle is actually an essential purchase.

And now Elton John is telling people to vote for Hillary Clinton. Elton’s much-anticipated Clinton fundraiser took place last night, and was a rip-roaring success in every conceivable way. Except, you know, the bit where Elton John told everyone to go to hell. Reuters reports:

At the fund-raiser which Clinton’s campaign manager said raised $2.5 million, John said there was no one more qualified to lead the United States into the next era. “Having said that, I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them. The reason I’m here tonight is to play music, but more importantly as someone who comes from abroad, and is in America quite a lot of the time (and) is extremely interested in the political process because it effects the whole world.”

And Elton John is completely right. Not about the going to hell thing – we’re sure there’s an equally severe punishment for people who don’t vote for Hillary Clinton, like being forced to watch Hillary Clinton’s Sopranos parody again and again. Plus maybe people just want to vote for someone whose chances of securing the Democratic candidacy are a bit less statistically near-impossible.

But, anyway, Elton John was right about the result of the US election having an effect on the whole world.

In fact, the world changes a little bit every time that any country changes governments. So hopefully Elton John will be ready to fight the good fight when the Republic of Palau has its presidential election on November 4. Nothing hypes up them Palauians more than a quick burst of I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself, you know.

Read more:

Clinton supporter Elton John laments U.S. misogyny – Reuters

Remember when Sarah Silverman's video I'm Fucking Matt Damon came out and it was funny?

Yeah, seems so long ago, doesn't it. That was before I'm Fucking Seth Rogen came out and was less funny, and long before Jimmy Kimmel's I'm Fucking Ben Affleck came out and was about as funny as exploding mumps. Now the trend's been ridden so far into the dirt that people would generally rather watch a video of a kitten being stomped on than another I'm Fucking… parody. So, hey, here's a video called I'm Fucking Obama.

Yes. We know. But, mercy of mercies, I'm Fucking Obama actually made us smile. Once. So watch it. But, please, nobody make any more. We'd hate to have to kill you. 

And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.

No doubt Elton John's concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it'll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.

The race to become the Democratic candidate in this year's general election isn't going to won or lost with speeches or debates or detailed policy explanations. No. It's already become clear that the Democratic candidate this year will be chosen by celebrities.

And that's right and just and true, because people get sad when celebrities die and they'll barely even notice when you die. Plus your wife would leave you for Ben Affleck in a second, but you don't stand a stinking chance of even ever getting within 250 feet of Jennifer Garner.

And the race to gather the most celebrity endorsements is spookily echoing the actual voting. Barack Obama has more celebrity endorsements, but they're all from rubbish celebrities like The Grateful Dead and Robert DeNiro and Zach Braff and Jessica Biel. Meanwhile, every time it looks as if Hillary Clinton is falling fatally behind in the celebrity endorsement race she'll slam back into contention with a video by a scary old megastar like Jack Nicolson.

And now Hillary Clinton might just be edging ahead, because she's convinced Elton John to play a fundraising concert for her in New York next month even though hes not even American, as the Washington Post reveals:

The British pop icon — who was knighted by HM Queen Elizabeth II — announced today he will be performing to raise money at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser April 9 at Radio City Music Hall in New York… Elton John sent an e-mail today alerting Clinton supporters to the planned performance, including a pricing schedule that will include two tiers of showgoers, those who buy box office seats at $125 or $250, and those who grab choice seats at prices of $500, $1,000 or $2,300 — the maximum allowed for a campaign contribution.

Radio City Music Hall seats 6,000, so there's bound to be a lot of money raised for the Hillary Clinton election effort. However, let's not forget that the Hillary Clinton campaign will have to pay to stage the show itself – and once Elton John has his dressing room filled with flowers and candles and fountains and chocolate statues of himself, we wouldn't exactly be surprised if Hillary Clinton ends up so poor that she has to hitchhike to Pennsylvania next month in return for several grisly handjobs.

But, aside from the short-term financial impact of the concert, will the support of Elton John – a foreigner who hasn't had a US number one for 17 years – help gather up more voters for Hillary Clinton? Hardly – at this point, voters have already hardered into staunch support for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Sure, there might be a few remaining swing voters around, but none of them will vote until they know who Lindsay Lohan wants to win.

Read more:

Elton John to Croon for Clinton – Washington Post 

If you’re wondering why we’re looking at the betting odds of a political contest of a country we don’t live in based in a state we’ll probably never visit between two people who both basically have the same set of policies and are arguing with each other out of a petty need for power, then the answer is easy. It’s because Dancing On Ice finished a couple of days ago. Important stuff, you’ll agree.

Who’ll win the Democratic Pennsylvania primary? Here are the Pennsylvania primary betting odds for Hillary Clinton, with help from Paddy Power…

Hillary Clinton – Hillary Clinton needs Pennsylvania. Oh, she needs it so bad. In fact, you could pretty much remake the movie Trainspotting with Hillary Clinton playing Ewan McGregor and Pennsylvania playing all the heroin – that’s how much she needs it. And the good news is that Hillary Clinton does look set to win the Pennsylvania primary, which means she’ll get to fall through the carpet and experience hallucinations of Dale Winton presenting nightmarish gameshows about AIDS – the dream she’s always dreamed of. We’ve tried to discover why Hillary Clinton is the favourite to win Pennsylvania, but we can’t get any further than because it’s quite a big state. And, for some weird reason, Hillary Clinton always wins the big states. We think this is because a sort of mob hysteria ignites in the big states when Hillary’s in town and everyone votes for her because they wrongly assume that when she gets to a position of power she’ll show everyone what her nipples look like. It’s actually quite a common occurrence – it’s why Abi Titmuss was on the telly all the time a few years ago. Anyway, long story short, Hillary Clinton’s going to win Pennsylvania. Current Pennsylvania Primary betting odds – 1/4

Tomorrow: Can the Democrats win the general election? We decide! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Pennsylvania primary betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Look at the evidence. Hillary Clinton is behind in the polls and then – bam! – Jack Nicholson makes an incomprehensible video where some of his nastiest screen characters sort of vaguely say lines of dialogue that might possibly be construed as endorsing her and she wins big in three important states.

And now, just to mop up all the praise that a befuddled-looking Father Jack-esque appearance on a woolly political YouTube video deserves, Jack Nicholson has given an interview all about how he's the world's bestest ever at politics and stuff. 

Say what you like about NAFTA reforms and legislature history, but the race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to become the Democratic presidential candidate is about one thing and one thing only – it's about how many confused old celebrities they can get to endorse them.

Look at this this way – Barack Obama was losing the race until he roped in some of The Grateful Dead to sing a song to a poster of his benevolently smiling face. Suddenly he's winning primaries willy-nilly and making Hillary Clinton look like quite the fool.

And then, on the ropes, Hillary Clinton did the only thing she could – she got Jack Nicholson to make the world's creepiest campaign video. And it was beautiful – a montage of Hillary Clinton being endorsed by the mental guy from The Shining, evil arch-criminal The Joker and the bastard army chap from A Few Good Men, with Jack Nicholson popping up as himself at the end to honk his approval like an alarmingly debauched elderly sealion.

And now that he's exclusively credited with helping Hillary Clinton becoming the next president, Jack Nicholson's gone on a lap of honour, telling MTV exactly why he decided to swoop down from heaven and help Hillary out in her darkest hour:

Well, I'm a longtime Clintonite. I guess that's no secret. I'm not a talking-points guy, Josh. I'm a rolling cannonball. I basically do it on my own… I got a call. They asked me to do something. I explained to [former] President Clinton that I admire a foot soldier but I'm too old to be one. I'm not looking for so-called followers. I'm not that crazy about being interviewed. I don't like the sound of my own voice after 20 minutes. On the other hand, I am Irish. I like being involved in the community. As they say, if you don't educate yourself about the political system you're doomed to be led by inferior people. That's one of my fears.

So it looks like Jack Nicholson is a Hillary Clinton man for life now. It's a shame, because we were rather hoping he'd set himself up as a gun for hire, jetting around the world and inspiring voters with his unique ways. Especially now – we get the feeling that the only thing to make Anwar Ibrahim win the Malaysian elections this week is a shabbily-constructed internet montage of Jack Nicholson in Wolf and Anger Management.

But forget Hillary Clinton and Jack Nicholson – how is Barack Obama going to stage a comeback in time for the next round of primaries? Three words – Sir Jimmy Savile.

Read more:

Jack Nicholson Exclusive: Actor Talks About Hillary Clinton, Campaign Ad — 'This Woman Can Do This Job' - MTV 

Well, alright – not the big guns exactly. But at least the elderly, debauched, paunchy guns have been wheeled out. And by that we plainly mean Jack Nicholson. 

Ahead of this week's vital Ohio and Texas primaries, Jack Nicholson has put together a campaign video of him in some of his most famous roles to drum up support for Hillary Clinton. And we're sure Jack's pro-Hillary message will get through to the two or three people who saw it and didn't cack themselves at the sight of the drunk-looking, growling, dishevelled jowl-monster who pops up at the end like the obese ghost of your abusive grandfather.

Hillary Clinton is in serious trouble. Convinced that she'd finish off her rival Barack Obama early, she threw everything she had at Super Tuesday and has since struggled to get a foothold in the running again when that tactic didn't pay off. Worse still, her Tony Soprano impersonation is just awful.

Meanwhile Barack Obama has all the momentum in the Democratic candidacy race. He hasn't just captured the youth vote like few others before him, but he's also captured the smelly old hippy vote as well, creating a deadly pincer-style movement hinged on recreational drug use and a staunch rebellion against tucking shirts into trousers. There's no way that Hillary Clinton can match strategic campaigning power like that. Or is there? 

Tomorrow sees Hillary Clinton's last meaningful throw of the dice, with hugely important primaries in Ohio and Texas. If she loses them to Obama, she'll come under more pressure than ever to withdraw from the race. These are desperate times, and desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing is more desperate than getting Jack Nicholson to endorse you by cobbling together a YouTube video made up of old films he's been in. The Associated Press reports:

Nicholson, who is backing Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for president, took his endorsement to the Internet on Saturday with a humorous collection of clips that put his support into the mouths of his most film famous characters. "And now folks, it's time for who do you trust. Hubba, hubba, hubba. Money, money, money," Nicholson, as The Joker, asks his audience in the video titled "Jack and Hill." Then he goes on to make it clear he puts his in Clinton.

This heavy-handed show of political support is a slight departure for Jack Nicholson. Usually Jack Nicholson only speaks in public when young actors suddenly die and it reminds him of when he nearly drove a car off a cliff once, because at all other times he's running round the back of a speedboat trying to slap the arses of girls a third of his age who don't mind that a saggy old man is molesting them because he might buy them a car.

Oh, we've teased you for long enough. Here is is – the Jack Nicholson Hillary Clinton campaign video…

We know, we're just as relieved as you that there weren't any scenes of Jack Nicholson waggling his strap-on cock around. Maybe he's saving that for when semi-humorous viral clips fail and the time for direct threats of dildo-based violence comes. So Wednesday, then.

Still, at least we know now that "there is nothing on this earth sexier than a woman you have to salute in the morning." Which was certainly true of that well-known busty sexpot Margaret Thatcher. Right boys? Boys? Where are you going? Boys?

Read more:

Nicholson Films Make Case for Clinton – AP 

Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking "I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways," then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.

But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King – aired on Friday 9pm – Snoop Dogg said:

“I just want to see somebody win in the best interest of America — whether it be [Obama], a black man, or whether it be Hillary, a woman, either one is a great move for America.”

Just like to thank Snoop there for confirming to any doubters out there that Hilary Clinton is indeed a woman. Keep going Dogg:

“We need change. We need somebody in there that's about listening to the people and representing the people. I think both of the candidates will do that.”

Can you actually believe this man duetted with Rage Against the Machine? What were they thinking? Sorry, Dogg, keep going:

“In the past we had presidential candidates like [Rev.] Jesse Jackson. We didn't really think he can win. Right now people feel like this man could really win. He's got the right thing going for him. He's got the right conversation.”

That’s all very well, but could you try and be a bit more vague?

“He's in line with the right scenario to win. Whether he wins or loses, he made a great step for black America by even stepping to the table and pulling off something like this – I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I represent the Gangsta Party."

Yes. He represents the Gangsta party, who – it turns out – vote for the Democratic Party. The Democrats – a party who have invested millions upon millions in the war against drugs, and have been known to give marijuana dealers sentences that outstretch that of a paedophile. How do you spell sell-out, Snoop? We’re sure you can think of some ways.

If you remain a fan of Snoop, even after this career-ending article, then you may be interested to know that he releases his ninth studio album, Ego Trippin, on March 17, which may include the rapping skills of David Beckham.

Read more: 

Snoop Dogg torn between Obama, Clinton – CNN