Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that right now it would be rubbish.
The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.
Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.
Now that Eurovision has come and gone and depressed all British people, it’s time to look for something else to bet on. Sadly, nothing’s quite as important as Eurovision, so we’ve settled on the next best thing.
That’s right, the US presidential elections. But we’re not going to bother ourselves with any of this ‘Who’ll win?’ malarkey – instead we’re focusing on what the next scandal to hit the candidates will be. None are likely to be as funny as Barack Obama‘s kooky reverend, but if they happen and get confirmed by either Bloomberg, CNN or Fox, you’ll win. Profiting from other people’s misery – what could possibly be sweeter?
Here are the US election betting odds for a shop lifting scandal, with help from Paddy Power…
The great thing about the US general election is that everyone has an opinion – it doesn’t matter how fat, bald, gay, shortsighted, badly-dressed, gap-toothed or non-American they are.
Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”
Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.
Remember when Sarah Silverman's video I'm Fucking Matt Damon came out and it was funny?
Yeah, seems so long ago, doesn't it. That was before I'm Fucking Seth Rogen came out and was less funny, and long before Jimmy Kimmel's I'm Fucking Ben Affleck came out and was about as funny as exploding mumps. Now the trend's been ridden so far into the dirt that people would generally rather watch a video of a kitten being stomped on than another I'm Fucking… parody. So, hey, here's a video called I'm Fucking Obama.
Yes. We know. But, mercy of mercies, I'm Fucking Obama actually made us smile. Once. So watch it. But, please, nobody make any more. We'd hate to have to kill you.
If you thought that the US general election only appealed Americans, think again – British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano players with vision problems are also mad into it.
And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.
No doubt Elton John's concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it'll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.
We’re continuing our special four-day-week political betting odds extravaganza with part two of our Pennsylvania primary betting odds.
If you’re wondering why we’re looking at the betting odds of a political contest of a country we don’t live in based in a state we’ll probably never visit between two people who both basically have the same set of policies and are arguing with each other out of a petty need for power, then the answer is easy. It’s because Dancing On Ice finished a couple of days ago. Important stuff, you’ll agree.
Who’ll win the Democratic Pennsylvania primary? Here are the Pennsylvania primary betting odds for Hillary Clinton, with help from Paddy Power…
Hillary Clinton is back in the race to become the Democratic presidential candidate, and it's perfectly clear that Jack Nicholson deserves all the thanks.
Look at the evidence. Hillary Clinton is behind in the polls and then – bam! – Jack Nicholson makes an incomprehensible video where some of his nastiest screen characters sort of vaguely say lines of dialogue that might possibly be construed as endorsing her and she wins big in three important states.
And now, just to mop up all the praise that a befuddled-looking Father Jack-esque appearance on a woolly political YouTube video deserves, Jack Nicholson has given an interview all about how he's the world's bestest ever at politics and stuff.
This could be Hillary Clinton's last week of trying to be the next American president, so now's the time to bring out the big guns.
Well, alright – not the big guns exactly. But at least the elderly, debauched, paunchy guns have been wheeled out. And by that we plainly mean Jack Nicholson.
Ahead of this week's vital Ohio and Texas primaries, Jack Nicholson has put together a campaign video of him in some of his most famous roles to drum up support for Hillary Clinton. And we're sure Jack's pro-Hillary message will get through to the two or three people who saw it and didn't cack themselves at the sight of the drunk-looking, growling, dishevelled jowl-monster who pops up at the end like the obese ghost of your abusive grandfather.
When it comes to telling people about good weed, Snoop Dogg is the man. Or, if you wanna be street like hecklerspray, then he’s da man – right kids?
Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking “I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways,” then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.
But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.
Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that right now it would be rubbish.
