Vanessa Hudgens was one of the many celebrities this past weekend to forget she’s not a homeless person, and stop washing long enough to attend Coachella. Not washing yourself, taking special care never to wash your hands, is as integral to the experience as foraging for berries and burying your poop.
Reports from the weekend noted Vanessa had done something during the American music festival that involved no nude photos of any kind. Of course, this required reporting with urgency; with titles reading ‘ZOMG, Vanessa went 48 hours and her iPad wasn’t hacked for MySpace-face pictures.’
She attended the event with whomever she’d been sleeping with the past few weeks. That guy, you know. That bloke whose name we’re refusing to learn on principle (of celebrities treating their sex lives like some herpes-infected game of Russian Roulette… if she marries him, we’ll consider learning his name). At some point, hanging out and listening to the bands in the burning hot sun, Vanessa was seen eating something. But what?!
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Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!
That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.
This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.
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After Disney star Vanessa Hudgens saw some nudey pictures of her getting leaked online, she became understandably furious. Well, as furious as a Disney actor can. We imagine she may have stomped one of her tiny little feet quite hard and shouting “Gee Willikers!”
The photos leaked, which no-one can really show because they’re fully naked, indulging in sex and provocative poses and the small matter that Hudgens was under-age in them (thereby turning you lot into people who should be on a certain list for trying to find them online), have been timed perfectly.
Why? She has a new film out of course! However, some are suggesting that the person responsible for the leak wants to damage the reputation of the film, despite the fact it would have had very little credibility in the first place. Anyway, the heavies are getting involved, which we assume means winged monkeys, summoned from some Disney tower.
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Child stars are funny critters. Once they start to grow pubic hair or develop a deeper voice, it generally means that Mickey Mouse can no longer work with the individual in question, usually tossing them to the pavement for Pluto to mock.
Once you’ve appeared in a Disney show, you somehow have to prove yourself so you can go on and get serious work.
There are a variety of ways to achieve this. Miley Cyrus posed in her undercrackers and had a go on a bong whilst Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera flashed their genitals. Vanessa Hudgens is known for being part of the irritating High School Musical franchise where everyone seemed worryingly happy on a permanent scale.
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Zac Efron has the strangest of faces. It’s actually flawless to the point where you can almost imagine a great big green diamond over his head like he’s Simlish or something. We’ve never tried barking orders at him so we can make him urinate or set fire to a microwave, but we’re certain that it could happen.
Likewise, Vanessa Hudgens is similarly perfect. She looks like she’s been designed by a lonely CGI artist, asked to create the ideal girl for jaded teenagers who want something wholesome to masturbate over.
And of course, this pair made for one of the most capsizingly dull couples in Hollywood, livened up briefly by some self-shot nude photos and a break-up. However, it looks like they’re enjoying each other’s lips with some deft reboundery.
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Zac Efron (Rob Lowe in a lesbian wig) and Vanessa Hudgens (you’ve seen her in the nip) split up didn’t they? This left furious onanists the world over imagining an implausible scenario where they might have sex with their preferred person of the couple. Or both.
Well, enjoy your pleasures of the palm while you can because it looks like they might be back together. This, of course, is planet-splittingly important and vital news for everyone.
And how do we know they’re giving it another go? Well, the irrefutable proof lies in the fact that Zac Efron (an unrealistic GI Joe figure in slacks) was spotted visiting Hudgens’ (you’re still thinking about those nude snaps aren’t you?) house. This definitely means they’re having intercourse again.
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Zac Efron may well be the most peculiar looking chap on Earth. Simultaneously, he looks like a 40 year old lesbian, the most American young person ever, a very sophisticated mandroid, Rob Lowe in a Justin Bieber wig and a relaxed calf muscle.
Vanessa Hudgens meanwhile looked like a tidy belly button peering out of a hairy stomach and of course, has shown everyone her bush on the internet.
Between them, they were one of Hollywood’s dream couples. However, after a four-year High School Musical romance, they’ve both decided to admit to themselves that they can’t stand the sight of each other. Yes indeed stalkers! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split up! You should probably send them things and see if you can capture their hearts. In a cloth sack.
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The High School Musical kids have graduated. And what does that mean? For Zac Efron it means becoming a star in his own right.
For the majority of the other High School Musical cast it means getting a supermarket job and spending day after day waiting for a vague recognition from customers that never comes. And for Vanessa Hudgens it means getting naked and slapping her tits and clodge about with wild abandon in every single film she ever makes.
Really. Vanessa Hudgens said so, “if the movie calls for it.” Which it will, because it’ll almost certainly be porn.
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