This may come as a shock to people used to the gritty realism of documentaries like Eastenders, Coronation Street, and Strictly Come Dancing - but it’s pretty much all smoke and mirrors. Even the bits that look really real, like the copious twirling. It’s all staged and you’re being played like a fiddle.

There’s a show that’s two episodes in, called Made in Chelsea. It’s basically The Only Way is Essex but with more-abrasive accents and less fake tan. The show centres around the entirely contrived lives of a group of people we’re no longer convinced even know each other.

Let’s start at the beginning – the show follows wealthy 20-somethings as they walk around Chelsea in circles, occasionally making passive-aggressive remarks toward each other. Producers fill any awkward gaps with scenery or shots of the cast wishing they were somewhere else. An hour long show contains about 30 minutes of the cast, mouths agape and struggling to find some witty put down for the asshole who crossed their paths while wearing Topshop.

Because we hecklers all live together, we like each other, and we occasionally go to the loo together, we’ve been watching this show together. It’s more out of morbid curiosity than anything. Kind of like watching a snuff film, we guess. And we think there has never been so many unlikeable people in one British reality show before. And we’re including all Big Brother contestants, so that’s a lot of people we’re counting.

And this isn’t random rich people-hating. It’s plain old fashioned people-hating. As we gather most of the people from the show lack the social standing that supposedly informs the narrative. The Daily Mail, who started off gleefully planting a positive story before watching the show, has since turned against it. They were so desperate for negative material that they crafted an entire report based on nothing but a dozen Twitter reactions from after the pilot aired.

At this point The Mail is fishing a little, but what they’re finding is shedding light on the level of deception that goes into creating, scripting, and conjuring parts of this show.

The cast is, incidentally, of a lower social standing than the show suggests because no better socialites would agree to be filmed. The Mail notes that some were signed up, but then ‘many of the genuine socialites and high-society members [who] signed up dropped out when they realised it could affect their social standing.’

More to the point, most of the cast aren’t important enough to be members of the fancy pants places in which they film. For example, episode one shows an event in a nightclub: scenes show club-goers and bar staff who are fairly sparsely spaced, a door man, one of the cast, who stands outdoors during what’s clearly early evening. Turns out the indoors scenes were shot during the day, with only paid extras and cast, with the venue hired for the purpose.

None of the cast were even members of the £400 to join, an additional £400-per-year to remain a member, Raffles nightclub.

When real members learned of the scenes that essentially peed all over their fees they complained, forcing the hand of the management who issued a statement.

We would like to confirm that the production company for Made In Chelsea have rented our venue on a few occasions – during the day – to film scenes for their television programme. The hire-outs were standard day-time venue hire that we were very happy to accommodate. We wish them and the cast the best of luck with the TV programme. We will be maintaining our strict policy of allowing access for members and their friends only during normal evening trading hours.

Fun times: partying with other unimportant people, in the daytime, while surrounded by extras.

We’re pretty sure the cast physically exist, as in you could reach right out and punch them, but don’t hold us to that.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best‘s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.