An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.

The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.

Steroids, HGH, Gummiberry juice and other performance enhancing doohickeys have long been prevalent in sports, much to the consternation of Mr Dick Pound – chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and co-chairman of the Yes I Know My Name Sounds A Euphemism For Masturbation Subcommittee along with Mr Wank Relentlessly. But now it seems as if steroid-use has left the sporting arena and entered a more dangerous territory – urban music.

Although entertainers have been caught with steroids and human growth hormones before – namely Sylvester Stallone in Australia and Chris Benoit – it's usually been because they've needed to rip the throats out of Burmese soldiers or murder their entire family. But rappers? R&B singers? Cross-dressing self-help writer/actors? Surely not.

But that's what an investigation may have uncovered. Entertainers such as Mary J Blige, Wyclef Jean, Tyler Perry, 50 Cent and Timbaland have been cited in Albany County district attorney P. David Soares' investigation into the trade of steroids and HGH. While none of them have been accused of breaking the law, they have all apparently been found to have the substances shipped to their homes, studios and hotels by a Long Island fitness club and its director of antiaging and longevity.

Needless to say, Mary J Blige isn't having any of it, as the New York Times reports:

A spokeswoman for Ms. Blige, Karynne Tencer, said: “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” Ms. Tencer added that Ms. Blige had not taken any antiaging steroids either.

And it's probably fair to say that 50 Cent hasn't taken any performance enhancing either. True, the man is built like a fleshy battleship but, having seen his movie Get Rich Or Die Tryin' we can safely conclude that his performance was just about the least-enhanced we've seen in decades. 

Mary J Blige, though, that's another story – especially when you see what some of her original full-length song titles were before she chopped them down for brevity. There was No More Drama Or I'll Punch Your House Over, I'm The Only Woman With Guns Like Watermelons, Stay Down If You Don't Want Me To Snap Your Neck With My Jacked-Up Eyelashes and, of course, the enduring Family Affair (Raaaargh! I'll Fucking Kill You Remix).

In any case, Jamie Lynn Spears should be thankful that Mary J Blige approved of her pregnancy, because God only knows what sort of soggy lump of twitching nerve endings would have resulted if she didn't.

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Prominent Entertainers Cited in Steroids Inquiry - New York Times