Russell Brand – essentially James Blunt in a long, thick, acrylic wig – has been kicked out of Japan, meaning that his stay in the East was roughly 3 seconds long. In that time, it is assumed that he told roughly 2 jokes and mugged to an imaginary camera 54,900 times.

That’s right. Japanese authorities didn’t care much for the fact that Katy Perry wanted to show her husband the sights, because they were too busy bundling him out of the country and shouting ‘don’t darken our wildly futuristic doorstep again, y’big clot!’

It is widely accepted that Brand got the heave-ho because of his past, which was mostly heroin based. Japanese authorities don’t like people who have taken drugs over a decade ago for some reason.

Katy Perry broke the news to everyone via the Celebrity Confession Booth (or, Twitter, if you prefer). She said:

“So . . . my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place.”

She added:

“It was for priors from over 10 years ago!”

Alas, Brand doesn’t have a criminal record in Japan, but officials over there really aren’t bothered. They don’t take kindly to those with a criminal past and because Tokyo is actually from the future, they don’t have to worry about whether they get celebrity approval because they’ve replaced all human entertainers with robots who are so funny that they make you physically laugh your face off.

Russell of course, couldn’t leave the country without a wisecrack and tweeted

“Planning escape from Japanese custody. It’s bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick.”

Sigh.

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People look at Davina McCall and get irritated by her because she’s squeakily enthusiastic all the time. She’s so bloody clean-cut isn’t she? Right? Wrong. Fact is, before Davina appear on our TV sets, she was something of a mental.

That’s right. She went out with Eric Clapton and between them, they took enough drugs to get the whole of the Outer Hebrides mashed for a month.

Now and again, her drugs past rears its ugly, pus-filled head which has left the former Big Brother presenter nervously chuckling at her children and wondering what to tell them.

And so the time came to sit down and have a chat.

So when Davina’s 8 year old daughter asked her mummy what heroin was like, Ms McCall chirruped about how fantastic it was.

Not surprisingly really… it’s obvious that heroin is pretty good because people continually take it, despite the fact that most that have a dalliance with it end up looking like puke stained light-bulbs before shrugging off their mortal coil, leaving behind a corpse so thin that you can cremate it with a sparkler.

The presenter said that she wanted to be honest with her children when it comes to difficult subjects.

She explained in an interview with Easy Living:

“Recently, because of something on Radio 1, we had to have a drugs conversation.

“Holly asked me, ‘What do they feel like?’ If I told her that heroin didn’t feel nice and then she tried it and it did, she’ll think, ‘Mum was lying’.

“But if I say, ‘Heroin is so fantastic you’ll want to take it again, then you’ll get addicted, which is horrible’, that’s honest and more frightening.”

She added:

“If you have an open relationship with your children, those really massive conversations, drugs, sex, alcohol, happen naturally.”

So presumably, Davina will be giving her kids tips on how to give blow-jobs to ageing rock-stars or which bits of London tend to deal the purest cocaine?

Probably not. Unless, of course, she advises that her child works in media, in which case, both of these tips will prove to be incredibly useful indeed.

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In a bold move to try and make people remember who he is, Blake Fielder-Civil has claimed Amy Winehouse died in his arms.

The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse‘s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.

Do you enjoy watching pre-fame celebrities ramble on about endlessly about themselves in infuriatingly faux-deep ways?

You do? Well then, you’ll love the Angelina Jolie drug video. Filmed when she was just 23, the just-leaked Angelina Jolie drug video shows Angelina sitting in a drug den carping on about all kinds of permissive hippy nonsense for over seven painfully dull minutes while sitting next to a woman who’s blithely smoking some heroin.

You don’t? Then you should probably watch the Angelina Jolie drug video anyway, because it has a man in it who keeps mumbling the phrase ‘nipple clamps’ over and over again in the mistaken belief that he’s contributing to the conversation. Ah, nipple clamps. You can make everything funny.

Look at Angelina Jolie now and you see a serene humanitarian so concerned with the fate of the human race that she’s currently trying to adopt all of it so she can shelter us all from evil under the cover of her massive womb. But a few years ago it was a completely different story.

Before she decided to spend her life adopting children and living with Brad Pitt and only making depressing unpopular films, Angelina Jolie was quite the wild child. She was married to Billy Bob Thornton and carried a vial of his blood around with her, she was probably a bit of a lesbian and, by her own admission, she was quite often shitfaced on drugs.

And although that period of Angelina Jolie’s life is far behind her, it hasn’t stopped an old video of Angelina hanging out at a drug den among people openly smoking heroin from emerging.

Apparently filmed in New York’s Chelsea Hotel in 1999, the video shows Angelina Jolie sitting around rubbing her teeth a lot and yammering on about how much she likes rough sex and killing animals and being a crazy bohemian rich girl rebel who thinks she’s about 400 times more profound than she actually is because in reality if she was being any duller then people would literally start trying to beat themselves into a heavy concussion just to stop the incessant Chinese water torture that is her monotone voice bleating on about herself like she’s the centre of the titting universe.

It’s unknown whether this is a santised version of the rumoured video from the same period of time that shows Angelina Jolie actually taking heroin and then commenting on its quality, but if it is then at least all that’s been edited out so we don’t have to watch it for any longer than we absolutely have to. The Sun reports:

At times her eyelids are so heavy she can barely keep them open. She is also seen with dishevelled hair as she rubs her teeth… She says of taking part in sex games where someone is tied down or hurt: “It’s just a cool thing.” She tells how her mouse met a tragic fate after she dyed it blue – and how a hamster and lizards also died. Angelina continues: “My snake I had – I tried killing him.” She recalls how at 12 she was “a bad girl – beating up my friends.”

The Angelina Jolie drug video is a bittersweet affair – on one hand it’s a stark reminder of how dull people get on drugs, unless they just start earnestly repeating the phrase ‘nipple clamps’ again and again as if it’s proving an important point, and on the other it shows just how far Angelina Jolie has come.

And if Angelina Jolie can go from grubby self-obsessed drug lady to UN-sanctioned humanitarian in just a few short years, it means that one day we might see Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty bravely discussing a child’s right to education in the middle of an African minefield.

God, that’s a depressing thought. Quick, someone start talking about nipple clamps.

Read more:

From heroin to heroine - The Sun (With Video)

Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

Working in a long-running day in/ day out TV drama series can’t be too much fun at the best of times – not only does the constant turnaround of episodes mean that you’re effectively a glorified sweatshop worker, but you become so intertwined with the character in the public eye that should you ever go off the rails and, say, waggle your penis at a co-worker or scream the word ‘Faggot!’ as loud as you can on set, your career is virtually kaput.

So things don’t exactly look great for CSI actor Gary Dourdan, who’s been arrested on suspicion of drug possession. Big time drug possession. Possession of so many drugs that he probably needed to poke a snorkel out of the top of his sunroof so he didn’t suffocate on all the drugs he’s been arrested on suspicion of possessing.

And Gary Dourdan would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t for the fact that he appears to be a bit of a stupid halfwit. E! Online reports:

The Palm Springs PD said the 41-year-old actor was busted at approximately 5:12 a.m. when officers approached his vehicle, which was parked on the wrong side of the street at the time. The officer who spotted the vehicle said … that Dourdan appeared to be asleep behind the wheel. According to the police report, the arresting officer described Dourdan as “disoriented” and appearing to be under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.

So far so George Michael, we know. But what really set Gary Dourdan apart from the crowd was the way that his car was apparently filled with cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, an assortment of prescription drugs and all sorts of drug paraphenalia when he was arrested. Dourdan was taken to a police station, booked with possession of narcotics and possession of dangerous drugs and released on $5,000 bail.

Now it’d be wrong for us to judge Gary Dourdan for this arrest because he hasn’t actually been found guilty of anything yet. For that to be determined, there needs to be a thorough investigation of the car that Dourdan was found asleep in. A crime scene investigation, you might say.

And if we’d ever managed to sit through more than ten minutes of CSI without realising that it was a bag of shit and turning over to watch anything – anything, sports, Columbo, cartoons, Jeremy Kyle, Natasha Kaplinsky, anything – else instead, then we’d probably have some idea of what that investigation would involve. But we’ve never done that. CSI is rubbish.

In fact, if you take one thing away from Gary Dourdan’s arrest, it should be this: CSI is a great big big bag of stinky poopy rhino balls and it stinks of poop and is bad.

Read more:

CSI Dourdan’s Desert Drug Bust - E! Online

Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there’s not actually a lot to do in prison.

So it’s weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we’ve heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we’ve heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do with heroin.

But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we’ve never heard of. And, as we’ve always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.

Having seen several episodes of Porridge, we think we’ve got a pretty decent idea of what Pete Doherty’s life is like in prison. We’d imagine that hardly a day passes without an amusing scrape with the sergeant-majorish wardens or a hilarious investigative search into which lag nicked his tin of pineapple chunks. Either that or he’s got himself addicted to heroin again to try and numb the fear that a violent institutionalised prisoner will corner him in the yard and stab him in the kidneys. One or the other.

But wait! Just because Pete Doherty is perhaps the country’s most notorious heroin addict and he’s constantly getting arrested with drugs in his possession and he’s gone to prison because countless efforts to get him off drugs – including stints at British rehabs and Thai rehabs and having painful implants inserted into his stomach – have failed and most of his songs are about how delicious he thinks all drugs are and we get the impression that he’d lick a monkey’s bumhole if someone told him it was addictive and illegal enough, it doesn’t mean that Pete Doherty is actually taking heroin.

However, according to newspaper reports last week, Pete Doherty is indeed back on the heroin. The irony that Pete Doherty has become addicted to heroin again in the exact place where he’s supposed to be punished for being addicted to heroin isn’t lost on us, and if we had any feelings about Pete Doherty at all we’re sure this news would make us quite sad.

Actually, no it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t make us sad because Pete Doherty isn’t on heroin at all. He says so himself, as the NME reports:

A British tabloid newspaper had claimed that Pete Doherty was taking the drug in jail. However, Doherty has since sent a letter to a fan disputing the reports. Replying to a letter from a fan and NME reader, Jenny, Doherty wrote: “Watcha Jenny! All the best from The Scrubs. Tell ‘em I’m clean [i.e. not on drugs], countin’ the days until the next freedom gig! Yours, Pete D.”

Oh god, it’s worse than we thought – Pete Doherty appears to have replaced his addiction to heroin with an addiction to a zany over-reliance on exclamation marks. We’re not sure which one is worse, but the exclamation mark thing historically leads to harder misuses of language. Sure, at first you think you can control the exclamation marks, but then not even ending sentences with multiple exclamation marks gives you the thrill of that first hit. So you start peppering your writing with the term ‘lol’. And then, as we all know, you’re effed.

Anyway, the point is that Pete Doherty says he isn’t on heroin, and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t believe him. Well, no reason other than all the other times he’s pretended to have kicked drugs, but what’s a little thing like that between friends?

Read more:

Pete Doherty in jail: ‘I’m not on drugs’ – NME

Oh christ, here we go again.

Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he’d either got his appetite back or he’d found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief.

Except he wasn’t – according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That’s a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.

Prison, they say, changes a man. Not just physically – although you’d be a fool to turn down the offer of having a shaky amateurish tattoo drawn on you by a mentally-suspect rapist – but mentally, too. Look at Pete Doherty.

Before Pete Doherty went to jail for the first time in 2003, he was a wide-eyed innocent who’d never dream of doing anything unless it involved taking drugs or breaking into his bandmate’s flat and stealing loads of stuff. But afterwards? Well, afterwards Pete Doherty was pretty much exactly the same but with a shit book of prison poetry with him.

And now Pete Doherty’s in prison again, so we can expect to see a similar change at the end of his 14-week sentence. And this time, if reports are to be believed, it’s be a change from a chubby methadone addict to a full-blown heroin addict. You know, just like the good old days. The Press Association reports:

Photographs have been taken of singer Pete Doherty in his prison cell amid claims that the 29-year-old has been taking heroin in jail. Doherty is serving a 14-week sentence in the detox unit at Wormwood Scrubs. Pictures of the singer in prison taken on a mobile phone were published in The Sun. The newspaper claims that despite being given heroin substitute methadone, Doherty is also taking the real thing while in jail. A Prison Service spokesman told the newspaper: “We will act on any intelligence which indicates drugs are being smuggled or abused.”

Although it’s sort of sad that prison has instantly undone whatever slight progress Pete Doherty was making in his efforts to kick drugs, there’s also a silver lining to all this – last time Pete Doherty was a full-blown heroin addict he had a millionaire supermodel girlfriend, and since he quit he hasn’t. So maybe if he keeps taking heroin then more pretty girls with sharp cheekbones and eating disorders will want to sleep with him again. We think that’s how it works.

But don’t get too excited about Pete Doherty’s alleged resumed drug-taking activity – let’s not forget that he’s working on a new album in jail too. And if Pete really is back on the heroin, then we’re sure that album will turn out to be a mumbled directionless mess that nobody would dream of listening to more than once.

So business as usual, then.

Read more:

Jailed Pete Doherty ‘taking heroin’ – Press Association