It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time.

Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong?

Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.

When Tommy Lee’s body probably first invented Hepatitis C, the world didn’t know what to think. On the one hand AIDS and mouth cancer already took up so much of our time we just didn’t think we would ever need a brand new disease again. On the other hand – Tommy made it, and everything he touches turns to bonafide gold. Except, you now, music and albums and basically anything rhythmic.

Then Pamela Anderson came down with the disease from a rusty tattoo needle, and we realised for the first time it could be considered quite fashionable to contract it.

As if that wasn’t enough, Steven Tyler got it a few years later, and we were like ‘Whoa… Where is everybody getting this wonderful disease?!”

And now Natalie Cole has found a screaming deal on the sickness somewhere. This is unconfirmed, but we heard she got it at 30% off. Again, that was unconfirmed. What’s not unconfirmed is that the disease seems far more solemn than the Lee’s make it look. According to Reuters:

“Grammy-winning singer Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and says she probably contracted the liver disease from drug use more than 30 years ago.”

While her publicist says:

“The virus, found during a routine examination, is likely the result of [Cole's] drug use many decades ago.”

The symptoms for the Hep are fatigue, muscle aches and Arabic men walking down the sidewalk towards you, obviously making eye contact but refusing to move out of your way, and when your paths finally cross they shoulder-bump you and you’re left wondering what the world is coming to, and why young people feel the need to be so rude.

Also, dehydration is a symptom.