The Mayans said that the World would end in 2012, December 21st in fact (so don’t be buying any Peacocks gifts vouchers), but those pesky Aztec ripoff neglected to mention that one the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse would be Helena Bonham-Carter not starring in a Tim Burton film.
And here we are, like the nose on your plain face, looking right at the factual evidence that Bonham-Carter is going to be elsewhere when they film ‘Big Eyes.’
Instead of the massively haired weirdo, Burton has picked the insufferable Reese Witherspoon and the equally insufferable but slightly more fanciable, Ryan Reynolds to play the parts of indie artists, Margaret and Walter Keane respectively.
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Have you heard about the live action version of Akira that’s going to hit the cinema screens? Isn’t that the most wonderful news you’ve ever heard? It’s not like the original was perfect or anything stupid like that.
There’s even better news! Supreme dullard Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira adaptation too! Ain’t that grand?
Yes. We live in a world where someone who has played a major part in the Twilight movies and they still get job offers, despite the fact they are so crashingly tedious that air stagnates around their head every time they slowly bat a dry eyelid. However, all is not lost. We have just the role for Kristen, should she land the Akira gig.
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Here at hecklerspray we have so much sweet love to give, that there’s not enough humans to satisfy our seemingly unquenchable libido.
Sure we’ve considered bestiality but we are sticklers for social etiquette and we’ve heard that being balls deep in a penguin is something of a no-no.
So far the closest we’ve come was to let a woodlouse crawl on our male/female parts. Yes. We have both. However, we’ve compiled a list of non-human totty that we just wouldn’t be able to resist.
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Tim Burton! He’s kooky isn’t he? He’s probably got stuffed animals in his house! And rugs that smell like goths. And loads of hairspray for his sticky-up haircut. And Helena Bonham Carter. He’s got one of them.
Sadly for our Tim, he looks like a hybrid of ukulele loving Tiny Tim and Tim Curry. Isn’t that weird. Tim looks like a cross between two other Tims. We’d crowbar Timothy Dalton, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Tim Westwood in as well, if we could be remotely bothered.
Anyway, Burton is going to team-up with non-Tim, Josh Brolin, to make a new version of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are probably going to be in it too because they’re in every pissing film Burton ever made. Ever. Ever ever ever ever.
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Tim Burton drags us down the rabbit-hole kicking and screaming in this adaptation of the children’s book Alice In Wonderland, managing to take away any of the wonderment that many may have felt for this beloved tale.
You would think that the pairing of Burton with Lewis Carroll‘s famous series would be a film of visual splendour, but Burton’s approach here is to suck any life out of this Wonderland, and many of its inhabitants too. Visually, its reliance on special effects makes this world seem artificial and Burton’s unique aesthetics look uninspired. You never feel that you are walking around this world with Alice and her chums.
Alice (Mia Wasikowska) could do with a lick of life herself, with the standard Burton turn-on for making his leads look like they have an iron deficiency – but Alice matches this with a lack of personality as well. She coasts through the film with this mystical absentness, attributing much of her surroundings to a bad dream and constantly never reacting to the situation with any real conviction. Much of this film rests on her shoulders and it isn’t long before the weight has crushed poor Wasikowska.
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You always know what you’re getting with a new Tim Burton film – Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, resignation that the movie won’t be as good as Edward Scissorhands.
But one thing you you don’t get is big-faced actresses in the middle of slightly humiliating personal meltdowns. Well, you do now, because Anne Hathaway has just signed up to star in Tim Burton’s new adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.
In Alice In Wonderland, Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen – a pretty young woman who looks a bit stupid because her boyfriend pretended to be chums with the Pope to con strangers out of millions of dollars and then ended up in jail because of it. We have no idea why Tim Burton wanted Anne Hathaway for the role.
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Folded means we like, Creased means we don’t.
Folded:
- Thunderbirds watches (high quality, but comparatively cheap timepieces that are set to be the next big thing. Nothing to do with puppets)
- Cheapy animated DVDs (more re-watchable than that Heroes series one box-set you coughed up for, these are good value, plentiful and King of the Hill)
- Hey, isn’t that Furio from The Sopranos in Nickleback’s Rockstar video? (good to see the fella getting work)
Creased:
- Big Brother Celebrity Hijack (did anyone watch this? It looked like the normal Big Brother’s rehearsal show)
- Jeremy Beadle: No Longer About (always a git on TV, but apparently lovely in real life. 59 years old is no age at all)
Folded means we like, Creased means we don’t.
Folded:
* Helena Bonham Carter (looks like a china doll, acts like a mad woman. Perfect)
* Thunderbirds watches (high quality, but comparatively cheap timepieces that are set to be the next big thing. Nothing to do with puppets)
* Cheapy animated DVDs (more re-watchable than that Heroes series one box-set you coughed up for, these are good value, plentiful and King of the Hill)
* Moby’s new single (it’s far, far better than you are expecting)
* Hey, isn’t that Furio from The Sopranos in Nickleback’s Rockstar video? (good to see the fella getting work)
Creased:
* Family Guy: Blue Harvest (a spectacular dropping of the ball)
* Big Brother Celebrity Hijack (did anyone watch this? It looked like the normal Big Brother’s rehearsal show)
* Sweeney Todd (a mental waste of time)
* Jeremy Beadle: No Longer About (always a git on TV, but apparently lovely in real life. 59 years old is no age at all)
* Hey, isn’t that Furio from The Sopranos in Nickleback’s Rockstar video? (wow, look how fat he’s got!)
Johnny Depp, let this be a warning – star in too many Tim Burton movies and there's every chance that Tim will knock you up and make you force out one of his Burton-babies sooner or later.
Just ask Helena Bonham Carter, who – after appearing in every Tim Burton movie made this millennium – has just had Tim Burton's baby girl. Details on Helena Bonham Carter's baby girl are scant at the moment, so it's not known if Tim Burton managed to film the birth or. Let's hope he didn't, since Johnny Depp would have been contractually expected to follow the baby by crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter's gore-soaked ladybits, only to jig around the maternity ward covered in blood and amniotic fluid singing a pretty little song about how nice it is to get your hair cut.
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