A new trailer for Russell Brand’s probably eagerly awaited latest film, a remake of Steve Gordon’s 1981 film Arthur, has been released, so we here at hecklerspray thought we’d take some time to take a peek and try to figure out what we can expect from the latest in a long line of Hollywood remakes of films and TV shows from the 80s.
Brand is playing cheeky cockney chappy Arthur Bach, who spends all his time drinking, having a right ol’ knees up and wearing silly clothes that make him look like an 18th century dandy that’s been dressed by a cravat wearing Covent Garden boutique owner.
Hmmm.
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Hollywood hard-man Bruce Willis has managed to cheat death whilst attending a screening of his latest testosterone fuelled blockbuster. What was the source of the action star’s brush with death I hear you ask, an escalator.
No, you didn’t read that wrong, Bruce Willis was nearly maimed by a moving staircase whilst on the way to watch his new film, Red, which sees Willis staring alongside John Malkovic and Dame Helen Mirren as a retired CIA black-ops agent that’s being hunted down. Only in America.
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Right, everyone needs to calm down. Get a nice sweet tea, run yourself a hot bath, sprinkle rose petals around the house. Allow your clothes to slide gently from your body, and dab sprinkles of baby oil onto your thighs. That’s it. Mmm, feel the soft breeze leaping and dancing around your underpants.
Now put on that Best of Alexander O’Neal compilation that was specifically designed to soothe you. And relax. Relaxed? Then listen carefully – there isn’t an Oscar curse. That’s right. Shhhhh…
Yes, it’s true that Sandra Bullock’s wholesome life partner MIGHT have spent a few long evenings smearing his podgy sausage hands all over a woman with tatts on her bosoms, but this could have been going on for AGES. Even during Sandra’s period in the desert when she was just another non-Oscar winner. A nobody.
As for the others – Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, the one who was a boy in that film about being confused – they were all probably just terrible wives.
Now wake the hell up, because here’s something really uplifting! It’s a handful of beautiful thespians who still have husbands/lesbian partners, despite winning an Oscar! See? There’s no hex! You’re so SWEET with your silly craziness. Read More >>>
Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini.
But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.
There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.
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