You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

We wouldn’t normally mention that fact but it’s one that might be worth looking back on when we’re still hearing about every minute detail of this poor bugger’s inadequacy in three month’s time.

The 30-year-old socialite and popstar (or so her publicist would have you believe) has reached the mutual decision with her Las Vegas club owner boyfriend Cy. Yes. Cy. Without looking him up, we’re assuming it stands for Cyrus which proves that getting laid isn’t all about your name.

The couple, who were last week said to be “re-evaluating” their relationship, have supposedly made the decision to part ways because “Cy” can’t cope with Paris’ celebrity lifestyle. According to the hecklerspray lawyers, ‘celebrity lifestyle’ should not be taken as being a euphemism for 64 hour gang-bangs in which Paris is the only person who leaves without any traumatic sense of shame.

According to ‘sources’, “Cy” found it difficult to live his life with her in the spotlight and that’s what caused their split. Ironically, he apparently didn’t realise that going out with a woman who’s famous for being a talentless intellect vacuum might involve a slight invasion of his privacy. The self-same ’source’ told US Weekly:

“They are broken up. It’s sad, she cares about him a lot and thinks he’s a great guy but they really hit a rough patch.”

The pair have been dating for over a year and a half, but Cy was said to be particularly upset about their private lives being shown in her new reality TV show ‘The World According to Paris’ (which absolutely no-one should watch as stupidity is infectious). An insider who is likely to be the same junior publicist as the afore-mentioned ‘source’ said:

“Cy is very upset with the series. He felt that way too much of their private life was shown. When he signed on to do the show, he had no idea the cameras would be so invasive.”

Speaking about their relationship in the weeks leading up to the split, Paris revealed she would get engaged on the series if “Cy” was to pop the question. She said:

“We are so happy. It’s almost been a year and a half now so we’ll see what happens, but the show is going to show everything, so when that happens it will be on the show.”

It could easily be alleged that Paris ended her relationship on the advice of her “people” who would be of the opinion that her splitting up from her current oddly-named beau would add a depth to the series that a dim-witted blonde with all the mental capacity of the Graf Zeppelin could’t muster up off her own back.

Of course- that would be immensely cynical of us, regardless of how true it might be.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Our breakfast toast this morning was slightly overdone so we tried to compensate by putting jelly on both sides. The results were surprisingly sticky.

We’re just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours – one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon.

Still nobody interested? Its free you know – we don’t want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile.

That’d be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C’mon you websites – think of the increased internet traffic!

Good news for anybody who’s longed to date either a helium-filled heiress or a semi-famous guitarist who looks like he sweats a lot. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have split. Our sources tell us its because Paris finally realised why her boyfriend’s lips were covered in fur the night ‘coyotes’ ate her dogs a few months back.

Our source also tells us the two have already moved on. Benji is dating a young woman in line to inherit several Red Roof Inns, and Paris is in a very real relationship with a Burger King grease trap. That second one even comes with baby rumours.

Us Magazine has a slightly different account of things:

“Paris Hilton and Benji Madden called it quits Tuesday after nine months of dating, a rep for Hilton confirms exclusively to Usmagazine.com. “Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us. The reason for the split? “Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”"

That plus Paris had always thought she was dating the bassist from Green Day. When she learned the truth she was done with the lie. Probably.

With her new-found spare time we bet ol’ PH will start working more on her coyote home-defence system. What seems to keep the beasts the most at bay so far is songs about best friends, and the projected image of all five The Simple Life seasons filling the entire south wall of her mansion.

As for Benji, who is best known for being named after a dog from the seventies, well we don’t know what he’ll do. Just please nobody let him console himself with a guitar. No need to bring down everybody, fella.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!