The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.

Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.

Having nothing but her inflatables and low self-esteem to promote on the world’s stage, Heidi spent the weekend with Crystal Harris. The same Crystal who dumped Hugh Hefner five days before a wedding she admitted she’d pressured him into. The two girls aren’t friends, to be clear. They’re just equally attention-seeking and Heidi invited Crystal to spend the weekend at a promotional pool party in Las Vegas. Their jobs? To stand there, all fake-tanned, and stage awkward photos together.

This is the first event in some time for which anyone’s been willing to pay Heidi. Which hasn’t escaped her.

Months ahead of time, she began to prepare for the pool party/ photo call, fearing that she’d become overweight. Then she slimmed down and lied about working out 14-hours-a-day, every day, for months, to lose 27 pounds.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5?2? reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].”

Worse still, she nearly burst her inflatables with all that exercise. Won’t someone think of the breasts. Oh, the humanity!

“My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Celebrityland can often be a turbulent place, with all sorts of crazy stuff going on. For the humble person, it can sometimes be difficult to work out if it’s the PR machine going in to overdrive to drum up some publicity or it’s just a fake story designed to get idiots like us to report it.

We only write the truth and nothing but the hardcore facts.

At times, it seems that the line can be blurred from those famous folk who so badly crave our attention, that’ll they go to any lengths to gain it. Unless you happen to be a teenage girl, we assume you won’t know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are. In short, they are both stars of MTV’s horribly staged reality show, The Hills. The program may have finished, but their real lives resemble nothing more than a terrible sitcom that wouldn’t even be screened on BBC Three.

Reality shows and romances are never recipes for happily ever after. We only have to look at Peter Andre and Katie Price from I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and any of the plebs from Big Brother to realise that TV relationships don’t last.

But those desperate for everlasting fame don’t care about this, even when things go wrong.

The pair originally married in April 2009 in a ceremony which we can only imagine being the worse thing on Earth. Filled with posers and woman competing with each to see who can show the most amount of teat, it wouldn’t be your traditional wedding ceremony. Sadly, this fairytale romance wasn’t to last with the pair splitting up in June and lodging divorce papers in July.

But what could have caused such a happy marriage to tarnish? Even though we’re not trained marriage councillors, the ego of Heidi Montag might have got in the way. Already looking overly pampered, she decided to enhance her looks with some plastic surgery. Granted, a lot of people can afford to do this now, but not ten operations in a single day.

Somehow this seems slightly excessive as Montag attempts to become a living Barbie doll.

So how about Spencer? Surely he is the stable one in the relationship and tried his upmost to stabilize their love? He may have wanted to do that, but alas, he did it in the form of flogging the world a supposed sex tape of the pair.

Frankly, we can imagine better images.

Maybe we don’t understand love because our sex doll only says three phrases. Perhaps one day we’ll develop that feeling called “compassion” and have a gooey feeling when we see someone we love. Until then, we’ll restore our faith in humanity with these two goons.

Now Magazine reports Heidi Montag as saying:

“We have just gone through so much crazy stuff personally and through our jobs and everything, so for me this feels like our first real marriage.”

We’d love to end this article with a witty joke or punchline, but the emotion of it all has gotten to us. Parts of the rainforest need to be chopped down in order for more tissues to be delivered to us.

We can’t stop blubbing.

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The affairs of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are up there with the most boring of celebrity romances. These two non-entities simply exist, and that seems to be more than enough for you dribbling simpletons.

Despite the pair being of no-fixed talent, they remain in currency by virtue of their combined stupidity. Pratt likes to get on planes with a bag full of guns while Montag cries all the time because she doesn’t want a weird face like Michael Jackson or frets over the release of a sex tape she made.

They split up, Pratt apologised and now it seems, that they can’t be bothered getting divorced from each other and in fact, they should probably stay together because on their own, it’s only a matter of time before one of them had an accident in busy traffic brought on by idiotry.

So yeah, Montag has pulled the plug on the divorce.

It seems that the attention-needy pair kissed and made-up over the romantic and tender negotiations of the potential public release of their sex tape. And you all thought that romance was as dead as Fearne Cotton’s eyes!

Heidi told People:

“We are back together trying to make things work… We do love each other and realized we do want to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Imagine that. Imagine what the rest of their lives entails. Blinking at clouds and walking into patio doors at full speed, all the while, filming each other knocking their uglies together and trying to create basic words with their brains which, thus far, have been mere ornaments behind their vacant stares.

Worse still, is that this will all go on in his mother’s house as the pair are so broke that they’ve had to move in with her like a students with their tails between their legs. Yes, we realise that this simile doesn’t really work. Even when taken literally in the form of a magina, it still doesn’t make sense. We goddit.

Anyway, when Pratt was asked if he was skint, he replied:

“Broke? I’ve been wisely investing in a substantial and diverse portfolio of film projects like Tower 69: Beach Patrol and buried pirate treasure. True, I might’ve lost my pirate map, but my broker’s working on that. If you find it make sure you send it back to me. It’s got a curse on it!”

Does this whole thing reek of a publicity stunt to anyone else? Faux-divorce and cod-poverty from a pair of humans who (unfathomably) used to make $165K between them per episode of The Hills.

It’s obvious that most of that money went into Heidi’s plastic transformation and the rest… well… that doesn’t even bear thinking about does it, especially given that Pratt recently admitted to spending $500,000 on energy crystals.

Energy crystals there. Just soak that up and let it roll around your mind for a bit.

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The world of celebrity is not unused to certain members of its population doing odd things.

Take Danny Dyer for instance, suggesting that a woman deciding against a long-term relationship with a man is a legitimate excuse for face-murder. Or Lindsay Lohan, whose crazed mind believed that she would curry favour with a judge by writing swears on her fingernails. Or Alan Bloody Davies, who bloody well once bit the bloody ear off of a bloody tramp.

Maniacs all. But none of them has ever travelled quite so close to the Mountains of Madness as today’s celebrigimp: Spencer Pratt (who used to stick his bookies’ biro penis into Heidi Montag) has been arrested at Costa Rica’s airport while trying to board a plane with guns. Guns he had used during the previous few days to kill some food during a spirit-cleansing exercise.

The colossal dickrod.

Welcome to Monday, hecklerspray people. Yes, it’s probably raining. Yes, it’s undoubtedly depressing. But cheer up: at least you ain’t Spencer Pratt.

As TMZ reported and then confirmed, part-time Stuart Heritage lookalike and full-time cock-dribble Spencer Pratt was arrested over the weekend. His crime? Oh, only that he was trying to board a plane while carrying armfuls of hunting rifles and ammo.

But what the hell was this bearded reality TV show lunatic doing in Central America with a load of guns? Was he bringing freedom from oppression to the locals? Starting up a militia which one day would sweep northwards and take over the USA? Indulging in a tediously self-absorbed “personal journey”?

We just don’t know which it might have been. No, hang on: we know painfully well which it was:

As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive.

Oh, Spencer Pratt. There really is no-one better than you at coming up with this relentless bullshit, is there?

You’re like Madonna and her Kabbalah nonsense multiplied by Tom Cruise and his Scientology donkeywank and then raised to the power of Isaac Hayes and his…well, his Scientology donkeywank.

Sadly, the Costa Rican border guards did not tear Spencer Pratt apart, joint by joint. Seems they didn’t even bother to look for more weapons hidden within his large bowel.

Sad.

They did, however, say that he was no longer welcome in their country, so there was something in all this for other nations to learn from. Spencer Pratt bleated:

On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.

As usual, hecklerspray beats all other websites to the good stuff. And so we present real, genuine, actual footage of Spencer Pratt and his Costa Rican “chicken incident”:

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Spencer Pratt is a thoroughly modern celebrity, in as much that, he’s famous simply because he’s a bit famous. He’s somehow managed to stay in our ears and eyes by making regular and annoying noises, like a child beeping the horn of his mum’s car whilst parked up outside the shops.

Looking at him and his eerie little Aryan face, you wonder what anyone saw in him – ever. Yet, Heidi Montag liked him enough to allow him to get his doo-dah out without screaming at him and clawing his retinas out.

And then he got a divorce and threatened to release a sex-tape of him and his ex-wife, leaving everyone smacking themselves in the forehead, muttering about how he’s always been a prick. And now Spencer agrees that he is, in fact, a tool of epic proportions.

What the rest of the world already knew, Pratt confirmed on his twitter page.

“I need to apologize to Heidi and my 11.5 fans.I’m an epic douche – and you deserve better.”

Get that! He’s gone and counted his fans like some autistic number cruncher in a bean factory. Don’t worry Europe… if you’re still thinking “Who the shitting hell is this Spencer Pratt bloke?”, don’t worry yourself unduly over it. Go back to your biscuits or whatever you were doing. This bloke is a crashing non-entity which we’re using solely in the hope of swagging some traffic from bleary eyed Americans.

Pratt says about his divorce from reality star Heidi Montag:

“Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved.

“Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.”

He called his actions towards Heidi “infantile.” Infantile tends to suggest throwing strops and wailing a lot, as opposed to, say… we dunno… planning to leak sex tapes, attacking her on twitter and stalking her while she’s on her holidays.

“She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.”

Shut your mouth you epic douche.

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Conventional plastic surgery is a lot of rubbish and, frankly, a complete waste of time, only worth it for the doctor who’ll hack you open for a large amount of cash.

There isn’t a gigantic neon sign flashing above somebody with a message saying “compliment this insecure woman; she used to have four nostrils until the surgical team cemented them over.”

Plastic surgery would only be worth getting if something could be done to truly make you stand out from the crowd. Why not attach a desk fan for when we get a week of summer sun or just a glittery horn so we can pretend to be a unicorn? What nobody wants is for their face to become a mess after years of going under the knive. Michael Jackson was the king of this and following in his footsteps is reality star twonk Heidi Montag. Realising she’s a mess after ten body modifications, she’s decided that she doesn’t want to end up with detachable features like Mr. Potato Head.

This is the first and last time we’ll probably be mentioning Heidi Montag and Michael Jackson in the same sentence. Whilst the horrifying prospect of a Heidi Montag bongo flick is on the cards, we’re unsure whether we’d prefer to see Michael Jackson being bad in bed whilst beating some woman with his winky and spreading the love juice. According to his fans, he was full of the sodding stuff, spreading it around whenever he could.

Heidi Montag has gone one step further than Michael Jackson ever did in the surgery stakes, forcing us to pick up our knitting needles so we can sculpt a crown of thorns for her to wear as a victory gift. Did Jackson supersize his breasts to comedy proportions? No, he didn’t, but a certain star of a terribly scripted reality show on MTV did. Monsters & Critics report that:

“Montag famously underwent ten plastic surgery procedures in one day but she has now revealed that she is regretting getting her size G-cup breasts and wants her implants removed.”

Speaking to Heat magazine, she went into more detail about the problem of having massively stupid boobs. To be honest, we’re surprised she’s complaining and hasn’t instead gone to NASA and asked for her own moon to rotate round her tits due to their own gravitational pull:

“They are totally too big and it’s impossible to work out – they get in the way when I try to exercise – I have to wear two sports bras to run! It’s heartbreaking I can’t live an everyday life”.

And the worst thing of all? Bleating on further she said:

“I can’t hug my dogs anymore.”

Perhaps she can shrug off the fact that nobody takes her seriously and that she’s been reclassified from “human” to “walking talking piece of retarded plastic.” However, she’s still found time to show some sort of regret about realtering the looks Mother Nature gave her.

“I don’t want my face to fall off like Michael Jackson’s.”

All we can say, Heidi, is be careful about the doctors you pick. You may go in looking for a bandage for a sprained wrist, but you’ll come out hooked on delicious pain killers and looking like a voodoo doll, just enhancing the needles with syringes.

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You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag!

Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being written down are ‘SEX TAPE’ as apparently, Spencer Pratt, the soon to be ex-husband of the pop-personality, is in the process of selling a knacky vid of the couple going at it like pigs in a sty.

Naturally, it is Vivid Entertainment who are sniffing around and offering up $5 million for the thing, which is roughly $2.5m per inch of Pratt’s erect member.

‘One friend’ of Montag sniffed:

“It’s not just in the height department that Spencer is challenged! When you see what he has been hiding it will make perfect sense to everyone why he talks such a big game. Only a man with a tiny [member] would be such an a*****e.”

Do you think the starred out word is ‘acolyte’?

Anyway, they added:

“All that kid’s insecurities come from the fact that he is a tiny little man. I hope the $5 million will finally make up for what he doesn’t have below but I doubt it.”

Bloody Nora. If he’s as small as they say, then we might have to draw comparisons with someone trying to shag the horizon with a Ladbrokes’ biro.

“It’s all one big joke to Spencer but Heidi isn’t laughing. She is devastated about the thought of a sex tape being released. What hurts her most is that the tape was filmed before she had her plastic surgery. How would you feel seeing yourself on tape not looking your best?”

Sometimes, there are no words.

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Heidi Montag is starting a Twitter feud with her possibly soon-to-be-ex-husband, Spencer Pratt.

By that, we mean no one will actually be fighting or settling their arguments using the age old tradition of jelly wrestling – just angry tweeting.

Jelly wrestling would be more interesting than watching these two people, each as lacking in self-awareness as the other, starting asinine arguments about who’s more annoying, on Twitter. However, they’re at it again and so let’s all pay attention lest their heads explode from lack of media attention.

Last night, Heidi accused her husband, from whom she is reportedly separated, of several things. She is claiming he hacked her Twitter and wrote a sick semi-paedo message to teenage singer Justin Bieber (a message that’s still there). She is also claiming that Spencer has used her name for publicity.

Specifically, the reality star, still only 23 years old and with at least 10 more years of famewhoring in her veins before she’s killed with fire like some kind of reality version of Logan’s Run, accused Spencer of using her name on a book he was promoting.

The book, How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture, was released in November 2009. It was pushed pretty hard to bloggers, some of whom *cough* happily turned down the offer to review it in favour of poking at their own eyes with plastic spoons. The former couple also carried copies of the book with them everywhere – and, as with the Playboy cover they promoted in the same way, we had to suffer them holding the title up and gurning for the cameras at every turn.

In her tweet, Heidi says it was more his book than hers and she was used for her name.

From Heidi’s Twitter:

Let me be clear OMG! Spencer used my name to get a check on his book “how to be famous” I had nothing to do with it! He is the fame whore!

This was a guest blog by *cough* Amy Grindhouse

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Heidi Montag has split up. Don’t panic – her cosmetic surgery scars haven’t popped undone or anything.

She’s emotionally split up. Heidi Montag is no longer with her husband Spencer Pratt. Nobody knows why Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt split up. It could be that Heidi Montag realised that Spencer Pratt was a moron, or it could be that Spencer Pratt realised that Heidi Montag was a moron, or it could be that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt both realised that their marriage was a sham, or it could be that both Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt looked in the mirror and realised that they resembled a hideous mutant Barbie doll and an excessively self-confident woodland orc and decided that they could no longer go on like this.

But they’ve split up. That was our point.

Before we go on, let’s look back on the good times that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt shared as husband and wife. There was, um, that time, they…. no, it’s gone.

Fine, we’ll look back at the shit times that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt shared as husband and wife. There was Heidi’s horrible solo album. There was Spencer’s grotty beard. There was Heidi’s relentless surgery. There was Spencer’s new career as a sort of cyber Jack Bauer. There was that time that, after she had all her surgery, Heidi Montag visited her mother and when her mother expressed dislike for Heidi’s new look, Heidi tried really hard to cry before realising that her tear ducts had been surgically realigned to the back of her knees. Great times, great times.

But now Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently split up. Let’s not pretend that we care, just in case it’s all a horrible big publicity stunt and this story makes them realise that if they keep splitting up and getting back together then they can squeeze out their nanofart of residual fame for another couple of weeks or so. UsMagazine reports:

Following reports of Heidi and Spencer Pratt split, Jennifer Bunney tells UsMagazine.com that Heidi is ditching her husband this summer to live with her. On Friday, Heidi’s rep told TMZ that she is “looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls…She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

Rumour has it that Heidi’s decision to move out is all part of a reality TV show project. It’s unlikely that the project will involve Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt being stuffed into cannons and fired into the sides of some buildings, but we live in hope.

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Heidi Montag is furious. Admittedly you can’t see that, because surgery has rendered her face immobile.

But she is. She’s absolutely livid. And it’s all thanks to her no-good mother. Heidi Montag yesterday called the police because her mother Darlene Egelhoff committed the most heinous sin that a parent can ever commit. That’s right – she went to visit Heidi Montag unannounced, the gigantic bitch. For those unaccustomed to the nuances of the legal system, a mother visiting a daughter unannounced is a crime punishable by… oh, nothing. Turns out it’s not actually a crime.

To be fair to Darlene Egelhoff, she’s got a cracker of a defence case if this ever goes to court. After all, Heidi Montag doesn’t really look anything like Heidi Montag any more, so it’d be quite easy for Darlene to say that she thought she was simply visiting her local cut-price latex sex doll or something.

If you watch The Hills, you’ll be aware of the tension between Heidi Montag and her mother Darlene Egelhoff. It all started after Heidi underwent her plastic surgery marathon earlier this year. Viewers may remember that when Heidi Montag unveiled her new appearance, Darlene Egelhoff’s first reaction was to raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw. Following this, Heidi vowed never to speak to her mother again. Why? Here are our three theories:

1 – Heidi was upset that she couldn’t afford the procedures to permanently raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw, and was offended that her mother would point this out to her so subtly.

2 - Following her surgery, Heidi was left unable to move her eyebrows or open her mouth wide enough to drop her jaw, and thought that her mother was taking the piss by waggling both around in front of her.

3 - Heidi was offended that her mother didn’t approve of her plans to physically transform herself into a sort of rigidly disproportionate mutant Barbie doll.

Still, whatever the reason, Heidi Montag has declared war on her mother. And that’s why, when Darlene Egelhoff turned up at her house unannounced, Heidi Montag had no choice but to call the police. Even though the police are sort of powerless when it comes to people visiting their children. MSNBC reports:

“My mom showed up unannounced to my house when she knows I have no interest in seeing or talking with her,” Montag told Access. “I’m sick to my stomach she would even do something like this. She needs to stay away from me. I’m planning on getting a restraining order against her. She tore my heart out on national television. She is just trying to create drama in my life.”

We’ve got a lot to dispute with Heidi Montag’s argument here. For example, we doubt that she really is sick to her stomach, since reports suggest that she’s already had her stomach removed as part of her cosmetic transformation. And why is she upset that her mother ripped out her heart on national television? Think of how much weight she’ll lose without a heart. Honestly Heidi Montag, you really are a very silly girl sometimes.

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Heidi Montag got a number of cosmetic procedures, for the purpose of selling magazine covers and also for ratings on her (recently cancelled) TV show.

To be honest, it was a big waste of time. The reality star got most of the procedures just for the sake of keeping herself amused. You know, like when you’re at the shops and you can’t remember what you wanted so you fill your basket with jelly babies and nothing else just so that you don’t go home empty-handed.

During a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest on Monday, Heidi revealed more details about those ten surgeries in one day. You remember, it was the day the sky became black and the ground rumbled as Heidi made that particular deal with the devil. Well, that was also the day Heidi got assorted pointless procedures including nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, an eyebrow lift, a breast enlargement, and fat injections. None of which made her look that much better. It has been about five months since the surgeries and her face still looks puffy. The only striking differences are her chin, which she had filed down, and her ridiculous boobs.

One little-mentioned procedure she endured was a ‘back scooping’, which sounds terrifying. Seriously, we mean that. Why on earth would one wish to have any part of one’s body ‘scooped’. They may as well just use the word eviscerated, and make sure they really do scare off all the pansies. Yeah, we’re pretty sure doctors are calling you a bunch of pansies if you don’t arbitrarily sign up to the most dangerous-sounding procedures they offer.

From Us Weekly:

In addition to familiar-sounding enhancements — nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, eyebrow lift, breast enlargement, fat injections — Montag said that she also “had my back scooped.”  When Ryan Seacrest asked her to clarify what a “back scoop” is, Montag replied, “I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

Heidi also shares some wonderful news; she’ll no longer be able to spread the plague via hugs. Apparently her new body is so fragile that it could snap in two under the pressure. That being said, you may want to go and buy some of those surgical masks, as we’re now convinced that her lurgy-spreading has become airborne.

The star said she also “had my waist cinched in on both sides.”  And the reality star has all the gory details on tape. “I have the footage of my ten procedures,” Montag warned. “Going into it, getting it done…I’ve watched a little bit.” The bloody footage might see the light of day in a future reality show, Montag hinted.  Post-surgery, Montag says she “has a great body now,” but there are drawbacks. “I’m very weird about hugging people now — [my body] is very fragile.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse. She’s wonderful.

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Bad news, anyone who’s ever wanted to sleep with either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt – you have a malfunctioning brain.

Oh wait. No, what we meant to say was that – despite rumours to the contrary – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still an item. There were whispers that Heidi had moved out of the marital home on Monday, almost immediately after The Hills finished production, but that apparently couldn’t be further from the truth.

To prove how much they love each other, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have verbally reaffirmed their love for one another. They would have done it through photography, but Heidi’s surgery has made that impossible – it doesn’t matter what emotion she aims for, it always ends up looking like she’s straining for a poo.

These are anxious times for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. The Hills is coming to end, which could also spell out their nightmarish, protracted 15 minutes of MTV sub-fame that they’ve enjoyed for the last handful of years. Soon enough we’ll have forgotten about them and moved onto a couple of witless choads from Jersey Shore, laughing at their dreadful music careers and hopeless attempts to grow beards and the fact that they’ve had so much plastic surgery that when they try to express emotion they look like there’s a rat trapped in their skull that’s trying to gnaw its way out instead.

And this period of change is bound to be hard for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Already Heidi has fired Spencer as her manager and hired a psychic to take his place, and Spencer has forged a new career combating cyberterrorism. Can a marriage sustain itself through upheavals like that? Yes. Can a marriage between two eminently unlikeable fame-hungry todge-pieces like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sustain itself through upheavals like that? No.

That’s what everyone thought earlier in the week, anyway, when it was reported that Heidi Montag had upped and left Spencer Pratt for good. But Heidi and Spencer have dismissed those claims as untrue, which has also given them the perfect opportunity to rush to the press and yak on about themselves some more. So, in a way, everyone wins. Apart from everyone on the entire face of the planet who isn’t either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt. People reports:

“I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” She adds: “All that we’ve been through has only made us work harder at our relationship and making it better. We want to fall more in love with each other every day.”

Well that’s just… hang on, nauseous. Well that’s just… no, no, it’s no good. We’re literally just about to vomit all down ourselves. Write your own pithy ending.

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Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Remember that episode of 24 where Jack Bauer grew a manky beard and married a woman who looked like a ropey sex doll?

You don’t? That’s because it never happened. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got the best thing. Heidi Montag‘s husband Spencer Pratt has decided to leave The Hills to concentrate on – and this is completely true – joining American Defence Enterprise’s cyber security division in an effort to prevent the hostile use of technology from endangering America’s military and financial muscle.

Truly, Spencer Pratt is just like Jack Bauer. Or, hopefully that CTU agent who looked a bit like Jack Bauer and went blind when that bomb blew up in his face on the beach a couple of years ago. Or that one who got his arm cut off. Either one of those two would be fine, really.

Spencer Pratt’s greatest attribute is his ability to adapt. Oh, and that beard of his that looks like a fungal infection. No, what are we talking about? That’s not an attribute at all. Oh, look, let’s just concentrate on his ability to adapt.

He’s essentially a firefighter, that’s what Spencer Pratt is. Wherever he’s needed most, that’s where we’ll find him. When the world of reality TV needed a universal villain; a braying, obnoxious dipstick who we could project all of our worst feelings onto, Spencer Pratt joined the cast of The Hills. When MC Miker G hung up his microphone, Spencer Pratt stepped in to take his place as the planet’s most obliviously untalented rapper. And when the world needed a collection of heroically ignored sub-Britney disco mewling, Spencer Pratt became his wife’s manager and helped steer her album Superficial to the bottom of the pop charts.

And what does the world need now? Well, duh – it needs to be saved from the villainous shadow of cyberterrorism, doesn’t it? And that’s why Spencer Pratt has left The Hills, given up his position as Heidi Montag’s manager and started to study software engineering so that he can assist the cyber security division of American Defence Enterprise. Seriously, we’re not making any of this up. Here’s what he told MSNBC:

“Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”

Obviously. While Spencer Pratt should be commended for deciding to take his life in a direction that he seems to have neither the capacity or mental aptitude for, we do feel a little sad that he’s not taking the MTV cameras with him. Because, seriously, a fly-on-the-wall record of Spencer Pratt ballsing up operation after operation, allowing cyberterrorists to strip the US financial system dry in a different way each week, and then doing a little rap about it at the end as his furious colleagues beat him to a pulp? Who wouldn’t want to watch that?

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The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.

Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.

Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!

10 – Peter Andre

You’ve got to feel sorry for Andre here really, haven’t you? Cynically railroaded into getting upset by that cyborg Kay Burley. Still, consider his situation – crying on Sky News because Dwight Yorke‘s criticising you for adopting his child, while you fight a custody battle with your ex wife, Jordan. Who is now married to a martial artist transvestite. Ah, for the simpler days of Mysterious Girl…

9 – Angelina Jolie

Angelina shows her emotional side here as she, in absolutely no way tries to positively boost her public profile.

8 – Heidi Montag

Now she’s either crying in this clip or the botox is leaking. Either way, we love her here, don’t we?

7 – Ellen DeGeneres

With the experience Ellen has in being left by dogs, you might have thought that she could deal with this latest episode of canine desertion. That was a joke about Anne Heche by the way. Tee hee hee!

6 – John Terry

No list mocking celebrities would be complete at the moment without a mention of this chap, so representing the worlds of sport and adultery – here’s John Terry!

5 – Gwyneth Paltrow

There are plenty of fawning, over-the-top Oscar speech blubfests to choose from, but Chris Martin’s missus’s 1999 Best Actress acceptance is surely the most cringe-worthy of all.

4 – The Game

After being spurned by the majority of the hip-hop community for collaboration on a protest track about police brutality, The Game broke down and cried during an interview. Which is strange because we didn’t know that The Game is a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you, TG. Maximum disrespect.

3 – Britney Spears

Anyone suffering from an irony intolerance should beware of this clip as Britney cries to the media about being in the media too much. We all know that the real reason that she’s crying here is that she’s upset about people making fun of internet tantrum sensation Chris Crocker after all he’s been through! ‘LEAVE CHRIS ALONE!’ She’s practically screaming here.

2 – Jessica Simpson

In a staggeringly powerful moment of self-realisation, Jessica Simpson suddenly hears her own dreadful song and voice, then remembers that she slept with the massive bell-end that is John Mayer. Boo hoo indeed!

1 – Beyonce

Quite sweet actually, this one. She’s lovely, isn’t she? If anyone has her number, can you please leave it in the comments section below please? Don’t worry about Jay-Z, he’s a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you too, JZ. Maxi… etc.

So there you have it. Enjoy that? Yeah you’re right, it was a little depressing.

Next week: TOP 10 Genocides!

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