Miss Universe is known for its quest for perfectionism, which is why the entire universe is allowed to enter.

And this year, it did it. Miss Universe 2009 was perfect. Not because, for once, the winner probably won’t fall off the rails and end up topless in a bar exchanging grubby sexual favours for free drinks, but because of its tentpole musical number, a performance of Body Language by Heidi Montag from The Hills.

And Heidi Montag loved her Miss Universe performance. Which is just as well, really, because everyone else thought it was a big pile of monkey balls.

Miss Universe is a showcase for the pinnacle of human beauty, inside and out. Not only do the contestants represent the very peak of physical attractiveness, but their kindness and dedication to charity makes them the distant target for all of mankind to hopelessly aspire to. And the winner of Miss Universe 2009, Stefania Fernandez, is a prime example of that. Her place next to Jesus at the top spot of heaven is all but assured, because she is compassionate and has perky tits.

However, the thing about perfectionism is that it’s boring. Which is why, instead of focusing on the dazzling array of breathtaking deities who actually took part in Miss Universe on Sunday, everyone would rather talk about Heidi Montag, who sort of came on in the middle, made a noise like a bucket of cats being hurled into a cement mixer and frantically waggled her vagina around like it was on fire. Look…

It seems to be a habit of Heidi Montag’s, to not do the thing that everyone expects her to do. Like her naked Playboy shoot, for example, which turned out to be the least naked thing in all of history. And now this – a musical performance that didn’t really fit the confines of the term ‘musical’ and can only be called a performance if you imagine that it’s a piece of avant garde performance art about a transvestite Britney Spears impersonator being attacked by an invisible swarm of wasps.

But still, despite all the mixed reviews that she received, at least Heidi Montag was pleased with how it went. MTV reports:

Afterward, she took to Twitter to talk about the performance. Backup dancers flanked Montag as she danced and lip-synched to the first single off her self-titled album (due September 29). “Last night was one of the best nights of my life!!!!” she wrote. “I had so much fun! my first performance! thank you God!”

Now, OK, Heidi Montag may have genuinely enjoyed her performance in a truly sincere way, but let’s try and leave God out of this, can we? After all, he hardly needs any encouragement. We’re pretty sure that the last time anyone thanked him for something this awful, his encore involved turning the sea into blood.

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What a week this has been for gratuitous celebrity nudity! Vanessa Hudgens got naked! Ashley Greene got naked!

And that’s it. No other celebrities have got naked. Yes, technically we know that Heidi Montag has a six-page spread in Playboy this month, but we won’t count her because a) the day that we consider Heidi Montag to be a celebrity is the day that we take up misery-stricken self-harming and b) Heidi Montag didn’t actually get naked in Playboy.

The news will come as a profound disappointment to all red-blooded men. No, wait, Heidi Montag fans. No? Oh, that’s right – nobody. Sorry.

When Heidi Montag – of The Hills and pathetically overdramatic reaction to a slightly dark room fame – announced earlier this year that she was considering a Playboy shoot, the world waited with baited breath. Baited breath is the thing you do right before you vomit blood into a stranger’s lap, isn’t it? No? OK, whatever, disregard this paragraph.

What actually happened when Heidi Montag announced that she was considering a Playboy shoot is that it took nine days for the news to get back to Michael Jackson, and then Michael Jackson died. Coincidence? You can be the judge of that.

Anyway, the good news is that Heidi Montag’s Playboy photos have finally been published. And the better news is that we don’t have to look at her manky nipples or grotty clodge any time soon – because Heidi has steadfastly refused to get properly undressed. But the worst news is that once she’s installed a fresh set of bangers, Heidi Montag will return to Playboy as naked as the day she was born except for the couple of ridiculous-looking silicone watermelons artificially rammed under her skin. US Magazine reports:

Although the racy photos that made it into the mag are PG-13 (she’s wearing skimpy lingerie or a tiny bikini), she says she’ll strip down completely after getting more plastic surgery. “The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades.”

Ah yes, Heidi Montag is right. The body is such a beautiful creation. But only when it’s been dyed, shaved and stuffed full of heat-resistant man-made polymers. We think the Hoover Dam is a pretty creation beautiful, too, but that’s not to say that it wouldn’t look a lot better with a set of gigantic tits hanging off the side, either. We’re completely with Heidi Montag here. Completely.

Anyway, we happen to be really excited about Heidi Montag’s next, fully naked, Playboy shoot. Because now we live in a world where the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Greene are quick to unleash their lawyers on anybody who publishes their naked photos – so we’re quite looking forward to getting our own back by suing Heidi Montag for the irreversible damage that the sight of her vinegary knockers will probably have on our brains and central nervous systems.

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During the First World War, soldiers would often endure days of warfare in the most atrocious conditions imaginable, and emerge from it all having gained or lost just a few yards for their team.

Which is a hideously overblown and offensively inappropriate metaphor for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, the show that last night ended its interminable run on NBC. Who has covered themselves in glory? Who has covered themselves in shame? Who has apparently covered themselves from head-to-toe in the offcuts from a leather warehouse? (Hint: it’s not Holly, it’s not Torrie, and it’s Janice). Find out after the jump.

We can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this (our instinct says it’s been about 1,800 years, but logic dictates that maybe it was a bit less than that). Either way: Yay!  Because this is the last week of IACGMOOH. No more of John Salley’s quite frightening competitiveness. No more of Speidi’s televised egowank. No more of Torrie Wilson’s glorious boobies in a wet camo swimsuit. No more… wait, what? This is the end of our weekly viewings of Torrie’s silicon mines? We have to survive on the 38,812 Google images of “Torrie Wilson swimsuit” until she gets herself naked in Playboy in, ooh, three minutes or so? Curses!

Okay then, before we give you the news you already know, let’s take a quick look at this year’s most memorable contestants:

Speidi (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt): insufferable tosstards. They came, they annoyed, they left. They came back, they annoyed again, they got scared, they left again. They got verbally assaulted by Al Roker, they came back again again,they smugged through last night’s interview, they hopefully were buried somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle.

Janice Dickinson: leather-faced, sandpaper-voiced harridan. Oh Janice, you sure know how to make friends in difficult situations. You alone know that when a bunch of people are thrown into a tropical jungle with limited food supplies, the best way to make yourself popular is to steal their food, refuse to do any work and just sit around squawking like a tasered chicken.

Sanjaya Malakar: peacock-haired singing ninny. When we first saw that the boy who spent an improbably long time on American Idol had got this gig, we assumed he would be chased from the jungle within a week by a pack of monkeys desperate for the secret to his preposterous hairstyling. How wrong we were (the monkeys, in fact, became fascinated with trying to climb Janice, who they’d mistaken for an ancient oak). Sanjaya turned out to be quite the stoic little jungle dweller. In retrospect, it wasn’t a surprise: the lad looks just like Mowgli after all.

Lou Diamond Phillips: hammer-faced pain lover and worthy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner. Lou started the show as a has-been actor, trying to start a career revival. He ended it as a has-been actor with thirteen thousand mosquito bites, trying to start a career revival. Never afraid to man up to a challenge, and always ready to tell Janice that she is a totally unlikable leatherfaced skank, Lou won the hearts of the voting public.

And is currently holding them in a safe place, their return dependent on someone agreeing to make La Bamba II: Rock n Roll But With Guns ‘n’ Bombs ‘n’ Shit.

So there you are. Another year passes, another person you vaguely remember from that film twenty years ago is about to be on the cover of all the world’s magazines for a week before shuffling, embarrassed, back to the High School Reunion Special Guest circuit.

Have strength, dear viewers: it shall return. And hopefully with someone better able to approximate a real human being than Myleene Klass. Hmm, what’s C3PO up to these days?

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Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.

Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.

What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.

Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.

Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.

But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:

“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”

It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.

After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.

Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.

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Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.  Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson’s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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Heidi Montag is as hard as nails. She is. True, she might look like a scrawny, pointless waste of skin, but she’s hard.

How hard is Heidi Montag? Hard enough to appear on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Hard enough to leave after a few days because it was too difficult. Hard enough to return again almost immediately because she couldn’t stand being out of the limelight for even a millisecond.

Hard enough to wind up going to hospital because she didn’t like being made to only eating beans for a day. Again, Heidi Montag is hardore.

You don’t get to be where Heidi Montag is today without having a bit of grit in your testicles. Pretty much everything that Heidi Montag has ever done in her entire life would push the physical and emotional boundaries of most human beings.

Don’t believe us? We’ll explain. Heidi Montag isn’t just a castmember on an MTV reality show about braying, obnoxious overprivileged nimrods who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it crapped on their chest – she’s managed to become the most braying, obnoxious, overprivileged nimrod on the entire show. She’s embarked on a pop career that consists mainly of her yelping atonally over a series of nightmarish thuds and squeaks. She’s married a man who literally looks like the only Bigfoot in the world that you’d happily agree to have fistfight with.

Could you do any of that? No, no you couldn’t. Heidi Montag is like the Bear Grylls of being a hopeless wanker who nobody has ever really loved.

And to prove it, Heidi Montag and her awful husband Spencer Pratt have been appearing on the American version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Well, we say ‘appearing’. She was on it for a couple of days, and then she left. And then, in a way that wasn’t at all premeditated in a dumbly calculated effort to boost her stupid notoriety, she came back.

To punish them for their flightiness, the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here producers decided to keep Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in a dark-ish room for 24 hours with only beans, rice and water to live on. And now it’s all ended in tears, because Heidi Montag has been hospitalised for it. MTV reports:

TMZ reported that Heidi was rushed to the hospital after “convulsively throwing up” and was “diagnosed with a gastric ulcer.” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie Pratt, took to Twitter to comment, “I’m really saddened to hear that NBC felt it was OK to… torture them as if they were criminals… Heidi was rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water. Pray she will be OK.”

While we’d like to believe Stephanie Pratt’s account that Heidi Montag’s treatment was so harsh that it literally defied the Geneva convention – because, you know, it’s what we’d do – we’re more inclined to believe the official line that Heidi Montag was given the minimum daily dietary allowance as ruled to be safe by professional nutritionists.

And if that’s the case, no wonder Heidi ended up convulsively vomiting in hospital – by the look of her, a cup of rice and a handful of beans is about eight times more than she’s ever been made to eat in an entire day. Thank goodness nobody tried to make her eat a kangaroo anus. If there’s one thing that’s true about kangaroo anuses, it’s that they stick to your hips like nobody’s business, and nobody likes a fat bitch, do they?

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Day Two of the Costa Rican shenanigans, and we present to you the lady contestants.

Oh, and Janice Dickinson, who has been flung into this group in the absence of a ‘Leather Handbag’ team.

Second day, and already two people have left the show. Unsurprisingly, and happily, it was the two most irritating and juvenile little twatcans ever to darken the jungle’s doorstep. Do jungles have doorsteps? The answer, and more, after the jump.

No. No, they don’t.

Patti Blagojevich: wife of criminally-implicated Chicago Governor and unfortunate recipient of Heidi Montag’s laughably kindergarten-ish impromptu prayer session yesterday (’Dear Heaven, please stop all the bad people from being naughty to Patti who is pretty and nice and made of angelmilk. I know because I met her two hours ago and now she is totally my BFF.‘ We’ve paraphrased her somewhat). Quiet, stoic, and likely to be around for a while.

Janice Dickinson: once a supermodel, now looks worryingly like a statue of a transvestite sculpted from a giant raisin. Always guaranteed to be controversial, Janice is known for her strong opinions loud, strident voice that makes us want to bite our fingers off and swallow them in the hope we might choke to death and never have to hear the harpy again PLEASE MAKE IT STOP NOW. Little-Known Fact: the camp’s tent-like shelters were constructed from Janice’s skin. The last time she moulted, producers gathered up the old layer and used it to craft these simple yet sturdy structures.

Torrie Wilson: we’ve never heard of her and neither have you. Unless you’re a gun-loving redneck inbred who whoops and hollers at wrestling on the TV. Should be quite successful on the show, what with her complete lack of any personality to hate, and complete ownership of two large ladymams to love.

Frangela: Again, not a clue, though the fact factory that is Wikipedia seems to indicate that Frangela (being actually two people, called Frances and Angela) just fart around on a radio station on Saturday evenings. Sort of an American Tim Westwood, perhaps.

Heidi Montag: genuinely, utterly, literally pointless waste of some perfectly good carbon and several trace minerals. After a few weak-wristed attempts at leaving yesterday, Heidi and her equally unlikeable bumrod of a husband, Spencer Pratt, finally decided to quit the show for good. But not before Spencer had been baptised in the local river by Stephen Baldwin.  Which was as fundamentally disturbing to hecklerspray’s psyche as it sounds. Little-Known Fact: when Heidi and Spencer have sex, they each call out their own names at the climactic moment.

Join us later in the week, when we return to see how our tropical pals get on without Speidi.

Pretty bloody well, we’d imagine.

Young love is beautiful isn’t it? Unless it’s between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – then it’s weird and a bit incest-looking.

Oh, we’re kidding. Slightly. The love between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills can’t be denied, because they’ve just got married. And they’ve definitely got married because they love each other, and not because it’s another feeble excuse to put their grizzled faces and dead, dead eyes on the front of more magazines.

You may remember that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt already got married once last year. Why the new wedding? Because God hates you, that’s why.

So that’s it. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – you know, the one from The Hills who looks like a fire-damaged Tori Spelling waxwork and the one from The Hills who looks like Bigfoot after a full-body wax and an ego transplant with Kanye West – have got married.

Technically that’s not really news, though. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt actually got married late last year, but that ceremony was ruled to be unofficial because either a) it was revealed that no official wedding permits had been filled in or b) when the vicar asked if anybody knew a reason why they shouldn’t get married, the shrieking din from every single person on the planet caused so much extensive structural damage to their church that the wedding could never be completed.

However, a little thing like an unofficial wedding couldn’t dent the relentless pursuit of fame love that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have for one another, which is why they both used this weekend to get married for real. People reports:

After exchanging vows before 200 friends at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena, Calif., Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt threw a reception at Social Hollywood for their wedding guests. According to a source, the reception had a “Spring feeling”. “Heidi and Spencer seemed so happy to celebrate with their family and friends,” the source says. “The newlyweds snuck kisses at any chance that they got.”

You see? It’s sweet, really. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married because they love each other, and not just because that bitch Audrina Partridge took her clothes off last week and if they didn’t immediately retaliate then she might get infinitesimally more famous than them for a second or two. Remember, paranoid neurosis is the foundation for many happy marriages.

Still, if you missed the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding and for some reason you’ll also miss the coming onslaught of magazine covers that their gonkish faces are about to be plastered all over, there’s a strong chance that you’ll be able to get a recap on any of the following grimly inevitable reality TV shows – Heidi & Spencer: Marriage Mayhen, Heidi & Spencer: Honeymoon Havoc, Heidi & Spencer: Pregnancy Pandemonium, Heidi & Spencer: Kiddy Commotion or Heidi & Spencer: Divorce Dippiness.

That last one’s scheduled for the end of the year, by the way.

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Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Of all the things that happened in 2008 – like the US presidential election, the credit crunch, the Virginia Tech shooting, the death of Heath Ledger – nothing was bigger than the marriage between The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. We’re being serious.

Heidi and Spencer’s marriage had everything – two utterly repulsive braying bellends adrift on an ocean of their own epic self-absorption who have never spent more than five seconds in the company of anyone else without becoming the subjects of a violently imagined stab-fantasy, and… um, no, actually in retrospect that’s all it had.

But never mind. It was sort of entertaining – thanks to everyone’s initial repulsion, the backdraft of even smaller celebrities trying to make their name by commenting on it and the world’s bitterest mother-in-law, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding wasn’t a complete waste of time.

True, the marriage wasn’t valid because it was conducted in Mexico with an hour’s notice and everything,, but that didn’t matter – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to formalise their wedding on return to America, thereby reducing the world’s total of single cockstumps by a grand total of two. And once they were married, maybe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could create a baby so awful that it would absorb all of the world’s evil and then destroy itself, ushering in the Age of Aquarius for all mankind.

Except, no. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t properly married and, what do you know, in the final episode of The Hills it turned out that they’re probably never going to be either. But, hey, at least they didn’t wait until the last possible second to decide, like in the middle of swapping their vows during the ceremony, did they? Oh, who are we kidding. People reports:

When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this.” Heidi started crying. Spencer relented “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.

Ugh. You know what this means? It means that, by the next season of The Hills we’ll have to put up with even more endless wedding preparation followed by a big fairytale ceremony that, we’re guessing, will also be cancelled at the last minute when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt look into each others’ eyes and realise there’s nothing but a throbbing empty vortex there. And that’ll be followed by another cancelled wedding. And another one. And another one. Until everyone dies of boredom.

But, look, it’s Christmas – let’s look on the bright side. By not getting married to Heidi Montag, this means that Spencer Pratt is technically still single. Form a queue, ladies! Ladies? Where has everyone gone?

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But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag’s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

We have a small apology to make. In the past, we may have insinuated that nobody cared that The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married. We didn’t care about it, you didn’t care about it, none of the microcelebrities who commented on it cared about it and – now that we know the marriage wasn’t valid anyway – there’s a strong chance that not even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really cared about it either.

Or at least that was our assumption. In reality, though, there is one person who cares about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and that’s Heidi Montag’s mother Darlene Egelhoff. Darlene cares about the wedding a lot, just not in the traditional sense that people tend to care about weddings.

You may remember that Heidi Montag didn’t invite her mother to her wedding last month. This was apparently because Heidi was shitfaced on cocktails and in Mexico and there was only an hour between her deciding to get married and the actual wedding itself. But Heidi didn’t even tell Darlene about the wedding until it was over and, for that, Darlene has decided to speak out.

Wait, ’speak out’ is an acceptable definition for when you claim that the man your daughter married is an evil mind-controller who possibly drugs people into agreeing to embark on inevitably doomed marriages and who might literally be the devil, right? Usmagazine reports:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged… I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.”

You know what? We never thought we’d say this, but Darlene Egelhoff’s berserk rant has actually made us feel a little bit sorry for Spencer Pratt. All he wanted to do was marry the woman he loved, and it’s opened a vicious schism in her family. Nobody wants to be disliked, especially by someone they’re technically related to, and Spencer Pratt certainly didn’t deserve to be on the end of an attack like that. Let’s see how the poor lug has reacted to it:

“I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill.”

OK, we take it all back. That man is such a turd.

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But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

We’ll admit to feeling a frisson of excitement when we heard Monday’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills had got married to each other in Mexico. It was like watching them admit defeat, an acknowledgment that nobody on the planet could ever put up with their constant overprivileged braying and galactic self-regard so they may as well just swallow their pride and stick with each other.

And it gave us hope for the future, too – not just for the clotheared punditry industry, but also because we knew that if Heidi Montag’s shrill, off-kilter sense of entitlement ever genetically mixed with Spencer Pratt’s sneering wankery and guff-coloured beard to form a baby, then at least it’d make everyone else’s kids seem less awful in comparison.

But guess what? It turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt didn’t get married after all. You see, the rumour goes that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were drinking cocktails on the beach when all of a sudden they decided to get married. Within the hour rings were bought, vows were written and a team of reporters from US Weekly were in place to record the entire ceremony in extensive detail.

But the problem with that is that Americans getting married in Mexico have to go through a five-day process involving health and birth certificates being translated into Spanish and blood tests, and even then the state of California wouldn’t legally recognise it. So, long story short, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t even nearly married. AP reports:

The couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony  was symbolic, and not legally binding. “We had a beautiful ceremony here … officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We’ve never been happier,” said the couple in a statement provided by Us Weekly. “And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we’ll take care of the legal details when we get home.”

A symbolic wedding. We don’t know about you, but that sounds like either compulsive attention-seeking of the very wost kind or a needlessly complicated way to get free cake.

But so what if this was all just a cynical attempt at keeping Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in the headlines and that the last person to pull a ruse like this was Anna Nicole Smith and look what happened to her. The important thing here is to stay positive.

For instance, if the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding isn’t legal, then they’ll want to have another marriage ceremony to make it legal in the near future, and that gives us plenty of time to buy lots of confetti to throw at them. Well, OK, not confetti. Gravel. Razor sharp gravel. And clumps of salmonella. We want to throw gravel and salmonella at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

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Because, now that Barack Obama is president, celebrities have got nothing left to blab their relentlessly ill-considered and completely unwanted opinions about, and that makes them sad. So thank heavens for the brand-new hot-button topic that has allowed any celebrity – no matter how utterly insignificant they be – to spout on about it like they’re bloody experts. We’re talking about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

Now, just because you couldn’t give a monkey’s bum that Heidi Montag got married to Spencer Pratt, that’s not going to stop luminaries like Perez Hilton, two people off The Hills and that woman who used to be married to the man who was in that plane crash that one time from gibbering on like self-regarding nobsacks about it. Guess what’s after the jump. No, really. Guess.

The marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills – as well as being as doomily apocalyptic-seeming as the union between the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster in Ghostbusters – has really polarised the public opinion. People seem to either not care about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding or really not care about it. And that’s absolutely the correct human reaction.

But as we all know, celebrities aren’t human. Celebrities are little golden gifts from God, placed on this Earth purely to lift our weary spirits and make life worth living. All of them. Even the really shit ones like Perez Hilton, two people who we’re told star in The Hills and the ex-wife of the man who used to be the drummer in Blink 182.

And because none of the people we just mentioned are even remotely human, they’ve all got opinions of the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding. And they really, really want you to hear them. Let’s start with Perez Hilton, because then at least it’s over with.

Perez Hilton has called Spencer Pratt an ‘evil genius’ for orchestrating the entire wedding with Heidi Montag for the sake of publicity, making the shock announcement that people who pose for magazine covershoots sometimes get paid for it. Perez then made a few other points in his videoblog entry, but it was four minutes long so we didn’t listen to it because we thought our brain might dissolve if we did.

Next up: two of Heidi and Spencer’s co-stars on The Hills – Naked Girl and Girl We’ve Never Heard Of. Naked Girl told People:

“I am surprised and not surprised at the same time. I do think it’s very romantic that they eloped.”

While Girl We’ve Never Heard Of, or Whitney Port as she’s sometimes incorrectly called, told Extra:

“I just heard it like everyone else yesterday. Congratulations to them. I think it’s great if that’s what they’re ready to do. Good for them.”

So that’s two of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s co-stars and a man who’s somewhat professionally obligated to screech about rubbish like this dealt with. What about someone doesn’t seem to be connected to either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt in any way whatsoever? You! Yes, you! Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of ex-Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker! What do you have to say about all of this?

“No matter what happens, cameras rolling or not, never stop communicating and don’t allow third parties into your marriage.”

So now we know. Join us tomorrow for Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then next week when Geoffrey from Rainbow reacts to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then the week after that when someone who was on The Bill in 1993 reacts to Geoffrey from Rainbow’s reaction to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

And then the week after that, when we kill ourselves.

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Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

He might be one of the most unquestionably awful people on television – and one of the most universally disliked – but Spencer Pratt is, at heart a decent man. Yes, he might be a braying overprivileged clot who uses what little fame he has to sneer about his peers in public like some sort dreadful oafish twat, but occasionally he’ll do something so disarmingly sweet that it’ll cause everyone to rethink their opinion of him.

Like recently, for example, when Spencer Pratt decided that he’d do the decent thing for the sake of mankind and marry his equally awful girlfriend from The Hills, Heidi Montag, simply because it’d reduce the chances of other men getting drunk, sleeping with her, waking up the next morning and tearing all the skin off their faces with their fingernails while screaming “Oh God, what have I DONE?” in a bitter attack of regret and self-loathing.

So, yes, Spencer Pratt has married Heidi Montag in a Cabo ceremony so secret that not even Heidi’s parents were told about it, presumably because they had the means to launch a full-scale military intervention to stop the whole sorry thing from happening if they ever caught wind of it.

Judging by the wedding photos, both bride and groom managed to make an effort to look as beautiful as possible during the wedding. Heidi Montag looked angelic in a flowing white dress, and Spencer Pratt grew a beard that made him look like a bit like the Bigfoot from Harry And The Hendersons. USmagazine reports:

At the altar, Pratt told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

We give it six months.

Oh, we’re kidding. A year, tops. Anyway, even for cold-hearted bastards like us it’s hard not to mist up reading Spencer Pratt’s wedding vows back – from the distracting repetition of the word ‘life’ at the beginning to the weird sun/earth analogy that seems to suggest that one day Heidi Montag is going to get massive, literally swallow Spencer Pratt whole and then die, it’s non-stop romance all the way.

But enough about Spencer Pratt. Heidi Montag, you were involved in all of this too – quickly, say something that when taken out of context will make it seem like you only realised what a monstrous turd Spencer Pratt is when it was too late to go back:

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying.”

That’s right, Heidi, good girl.

Seriously, six months.

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You’re also likely to spend even more time strategising your next move in general like, you know, getting up out of a chair and such. The remainder of your time is probably spent watching MTV and keeping up with the latest juice on trashy reality shows like The Hills.  Well, at least that’s what John McCain says he does, sort of. He may just have said something to that effect because one of the characters on The Hills announced her support for John McCain.

And he likes it. He like it good. 

Know what’s great about MTV? Everyone can sit down together and enjoy. The teenagers eager to learn how to be trashy and shallow, the boozy college kids who’ve already mastered being trashy and shallow and wasting their parent’s money on parties and Abercrombie polo shirts, and the geriatric presidential candidates like John McCain. 

You see, Heidi Montag from MTV’s The Hills publicly endorsed John McCain in the US presidential election thingy going on. You have no idea who she is, do you. That's so pathetic. You don't know who she is, but John McCain does. He's cooler than you. John McCain is actually cooler than you. You know, she’s the really shallow, back-stabbing one that got loads of plastic surgery and has the creepy boyfriend. Actually, that really doesn’t help narrow it down, now does it? She’s also whoring her 15 minutes out by releasing singles and music videos. They’re crap, of course. Anyway, she’s supporting John McCain. Woo.  

But look, look everyone! Look how cool and down to earth and in touch with the young folks John McCain is! He, like, is way grateful for her support, and stuff: 

"I am honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started." 

As far as celebrity endorsements go, they’re usually seen as a bit of a blood-letting gash in the side of a candidate’s campaign race. But for John McCain, who has already sealed the Republican candidacy as well as backing from the current president, there’s really no further harm that can be done by somewhat creepily acknowledging a nod from random reality show person.

And it is creepy. It really is. Even if John McCain does watch The Hills (which we all know he doesn't) there is only one reason a man in his seventies would watch a show about beautiful, rich, monumentally stupid twenty-somethings.

It's that Brody Jenner. It's okay, Johnny-boy. We can't get enough of him, either.

Read more:

SWAMPLAND EXCLUSIVE!! McCain Reacts to Heidi Montag Endorsement! - TIME