People have all sorts of warped ideas about what constitutes ‘sexy.’ Simply type a few random words into Google alongside the word ‘porn’ and you’re quite likely to find a result. Is anyone up for some hot and steamy ‘Pesticide Snorkelling Orgy’ action? Anyone? Okay…

Even we know that sordid fantasies are usually kept locked away in peoples’ sick imaginations. In reality, the common person needs something realistic to go weak at the knees over. For the majority of men, the briefest flash of a female boob will send their shrivelled members into arousal overdrive.

However, girls look for more than a gawp at the genitals of someone they fancy. Females from the comical Team Breezy gang seem slobber instantly when Chris Brown’s name is mentioned. Perhaps they all have a fetish for a domestic abuser. According to fellow rapper Fat Joe, Team Breezy couldn’t get enough of his fists at a recent video shoot.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that Chris Brown is the lowest of the low when it comes to humankind due to him using Rihanna’s face as a punch bag when the couple were together but because commercial rap and R&B foregoes morality in place of looks, body ink and how many cars you can fit in a garage, it’s been easy for Brown to restore his fanbase.

With a smile, a wink and a flick of his fists, girls have been swooning all over the place. Just like they’ve been given a left hook off the squirt himself.

When famous people fall from grace, they usually look at whoring themselves out to random products so they can make some cash. Sometimes it can work, just look at George Foreman and his Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine (other expensive toastie makers are available). A brief history lesson for those of you who have never heard of Mr Foreman, he was a boxer who used his fists for competitive sport, not for hitting women.

Let’s run that through again: top athlete & sportsman… convicted felon.

With a name like Fat Joe, which sounds like a New York Pizza Establishment (“Ey! Come to Fat Joe’s. He’ll sort you out with a Calzone. Best in the city!). Although the image of a dough chef named Fat Joe amuses us, he’s just another of those rapper types who hasn’t really done much since he grabbed our attention in 2002 with single ‘What’s Love’ that featured Ashanti – someone else who’s seemingly done a disappearing act.

If Fat Joe thinks the influence of Chris ‘Slugger’ Brown will help him, then he’s wrong. At best, Chris Brown will pass on beauty tips like “how to look like a buck toothed muppet that was kicked around a workshop by an irate Jim Henson”. Speaking on the set of a video that we’re not going to bother mentioning, Fat Joe said:

“You know, that guy, he’s like the ‘guy Beyoncé’. This guy takes his shirt off – I played it for a couple of chicks before we released it and they just start goin’ crazy and buggin’ out like, ‘Oh my God, yo’. You know, he’s a sex symbol.”

Remember everyone, Beyoncé now has a bit of a tummy scar and was temporarily covered in blood and might have a few stitches for a while but she’s still possibly the most attractive woman on earth. Chris has some serious thigh work to do before he can claim to come close.

Frankly, we’d happily volunteer to rub our body parts in glass covered nettles if it meant that Chris Brown couldn’t put imagine of his penis on the internet again. ONE IS ENOUGH!

Fresh from the unparalleled success of our Young Apprentice live blog, hecklerspray are reluctant to announce our Strictly Come Dancing final brought to you by our regular Strictly columnist Jacki Evans and Michael Park, a man who has never seen Strictly Come Dancing before. Ever. Get your scorecards ready and remember that you can comment on the live blog in the comment box or use our twitter hashtag #HSSCD.

Professor Green as, despite forever sounding like he’s in a headlock, managed to forge a career as a rapper. At least he’s managed to answer the question: What would Nelson Mandela sound like if he went into hip hop?

Anyway, Professor Green (Professor in sounding like he’s got a wasp trapped in his windpipe while looking despairingly gormless, if you were wondering) is currently in the middle of a tour where he performs for Guardian readers and other people who afraid of non-whites on the sly.

And get this! You yoghurt plaiting gimps can catch him some more as he’s announced dates for a brand new UK tour in April 2012! AMAZING NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE THEIR RAPPERS TO SOUND LIKE CUDDLES THE MONKEY!

Of course, mainstream rap at the moment is treading two paths. The first is the LET’S SOUND LIKE HADDAWAY AND MAKE EUROPOPRAP! and the other, the one fancied by Prof. Green and Drake, LET’S SHOW OURSELFS TO BE SENSITIVE, THOUGHTFUL THUG LIFERS! YEAH!

Proffles Greeno has songs called ‘Today I Cried’ and ‘Never be a Right Time’ y’know? That’s because he really cares. And sounds like the air being kicked out of a lilo.

Naturally, the world has been crying out for a rapper that sounds like they’ve swallowed a bag of KP despite their nut-allergy closing their throat up, so it’s little wonder that Proffo Grunibonk has become a massive star in the UK.

They play him on the radio y’know?

Sadly, the radio doesn’t pick up his lovely neck tattoo which actually is the lyrics for MC Miker G & DJ Sven’s ‘Holiday Rap’, which is Greeno’s primary inspiration for picking up the mic.

And if you don’t know what that reference means, get yourself to YouTube immediately.

Anyway, the remainder of Proodles Groonaldo’s tour is…

…wait! He’s not paying us to promote him and his awful shoe-squeak voice! Sod him. Go find out the dates yourself and we’ll chase after you with flame-throwers you earless berks.

Watch this. Editor Mof is in it looking like an idiot and talking like a fool (and they cut out all the bits where he was nasty about everyone on Earth,mercifully) at the Cosmo Blog Awards 2011.

Thanks to all who voted for us. We’ll stop going on about it now.

So. hecklerspay went and won an award. That’s right. Between the judging panel of Cosmopolitan UK and all you wonderfully rotten people who voted for Team ‘Spray, we went and landed Best Celeb Blog.

An award so important that the word ‘celebrity’ can be abbreviated.

And so, here’s a little diary of the night, complete with photographs of the event. And me, Editor Mof, went and made an absolute fool of himself as promised. All thanks to you shower of gits. (Seriously though, thanks and everything. Next month, you shall build a giant statue in my honour or else).

Arriving in London, it seemed pretty obvious that we weren’t going to win a damn thing. Why would we? We’re not even a serious celebrity blog. We hate celebrities. We suspect that our rivals in the field of ‘Celeb’ rather enjoy the whereabouts of Kim Kardashian or the size of Lee Ryan’s glute implant or whatever it is they all write about.

We wouldn’t know. We don’t read celebrity blogs. We can’t even read or write at all.

And so, arriving in some nightclub in Mayfair, a place that makes anyone with any semblance of self-awareness feel like crying, Team Spray arrived for a night a disappointment, other bloggers ignoring us and, most importantly, a free bar to thoroughly exploit.

The latter part, I figured, was the best way of gleaning some kind of reward for writing and editing the site. We definitely weren’t going to win an award by a magazine that promotes shoes and blow-jobs, were we?

Mercifully, former Team Sprayer Chris Laverty (nominated for his actually very good blog, Clothes On Film) was in attendance, which meant that sarcasm was represented in the face of all that… fashion. So while dressed like something from a ’70s sitcom, we proceeded to ignore the nail bar, make-up stand and the trillions of young women all running around with their SLR cameras and ozone puking amounts of hairspray.

Of course, this being a swish thing, there was incredibly tiny food to be eaten. And no, I have absolutely no idea what that is in my hand in the picture above. Did I eat it? Yes. With a Lemsip MAX STRENGTH CAPSULE and booze to fend off some dreadfully vague illness I’ve got? Yes.

And then, at some point, Cosmo made a terrible, terrible mistake and called hecklerspray out as the winners of Best Celeb Blog.

As you can see from this OFFICIAL PHOTO TAKEN BY THE COSMO PEOPLE WHILE I WAS ON-STAGE (that’s the best credit we can all hope for at the moment), I didn’t exactly do a nice pose like all the fashionable young women when they won. In fact, the variety of poses thrown invariably left me looking like a three legged giraffe being kicked down a wishing well.

At least the people in the background thought it was funny. Not sure about the embarrassed laugh that emitted from the darkness that greeted you when vainly trying to look out to the crowd from the podium. It was pitying wasn’t it? God, they all hated me.

Then there was a thing  which said Cosmopolitan all over it, which I posed for with my award. Later, I would have a similar experience with a camera crew who interviewed me with a TV camera set-up and it was obvious they weren’t prepared for a slightly drunk Northern idiot with a hacking cough slagging off all his writers, readers and such.

Here’s a closer look at the award itself. On the back, written in thick black permanent marker, someone had written “BRING BACK STU HERITAGE” which was nice.

Either way, the whole thing was incredibly awkward for the socially inept ‘sprayer, finding himself with gregarious would-be starlets, all resentful of the fact that a lumpen gimp in a bad corduroy jacket with a stain down the front had managed to win Best Celeb Blog.

Then we broke the live hashtag feed wall thingy.

And it’s partly because of you that this happened. And partly because we’re so obviously amazing. Someone, somewhere in the Cosmo office is actually going to ’round to reading the site and realise what a dreadful mistake handing us an award really is.

Sorry.

Mof (now entitled to a free pair of ladies shoes from a website as prize for winning)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Back when times were pure and innocent, only a few select events took up room on our calendar; such as birthdays and the elusive annual leave. Now, more and more meaningless events are cluttering our calendars as television bullies its way into our lives, sits down on top of us and angrily demands that we perform oral sex on it.

August used to be the time when advertisers would pester us with commercials about Christmas hampers and store cards. Now, when we see this particular month approaching, we know that the booming narration of X-Factor is set to begin and for a few weeks, we get to see slew of modern-day freaks being paraded in front of four berks for our amusement.

Every Saturday, everyone rushes all their errands so they can watch TV with strong continental lager and a fatty takeaway. Only then can you make snide comments about how someone singing their heart out is inferior to you. Hell, maybe you even tweet about it. Incessantly.

This has quickly become a British pastime, but even the camp antics of Johnny Robinson can melt the icy heart of Sinead O’Connor.

Once upon a time, you’d have seen Sinead O’Connor showing her disgust at Pope John Paul II by ripping up an image of him on Saturday Night Live. But that was back in 1992 when times different and the Catholic church weren’t as hip and groovy as they are now. Back then, there was no such thing as Photoshop, so O’Connor was forced to rip up a picture of the then Pope live on stage. Now, she could have manipulated an image of John Paul II with a thought bubble coming from his head that read “mmm child abuse.”

Can you imagine the world without Twitter? Neither can we and this would have been another perfect tool for Sinead O’Connor to use in her protest against the Catholic Church. Hashtags can almost solve any problem. So if tags such as #thecatholicchurchistotesrubbish and #fuckthechurchnotakid were used, maybe a wave of momentum could help get her message across. Pff. The days when we tore pictures. The dark ages.

Without even having to go in to why Sinead O’Connor has issues with the Catholic Church, what’s up with the X-Factor? She said:

“I find it hard to watch it because I can’t stand the way some of the judges treat the performers. That guy Gary Barlow, he has this horrible way of looking at people. If he was my son I’d be having a serious word with him about the way he’s talking to people or treating people. I find it excruciating to look at.”

We’ll agree with her there, although us saying that Barlow isn’t very nice to people is like Pol Pot giving the Manson Family a hard time for their commitment to murder. Although, in saying that Gary Barlow does have the look of a respectable Victorian gentlemen who might walk you home through a dark forest; but in actual fact would end up forcing you to eat ghost chillis until your bum exploded. But anyway, O’Connor didn’t stop there:

“I don’t think the people running the show are the kind of people who think about the effect of their behaviour upon people. But when you look at the panel they’re crying all the time – it’s like therapy.

Watching someone cry all the time? Haven’t we been there before?

There’s still time to vote for Hecklerspray so we can totally win the BEST CELEB category at the Cosmo Blog Awards. Just imagine us lot, pale and wan, malnourished and drunk amongst a gaggle of glamorous fashion bloggers.

Just think of that. We’ll be drunk with nerves. Nerves and booze. So this almost certainly means we’ll be acting like idiots at the ceremony. You should vote for us just to make us suffer. It’s only fair after we’ve put you through misery with our awful, awful articles. Just click the image above and vote vote VOTE!

When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.

It’s pretty much as simple as that.

Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.

Or should we? Let’s face it. A channel that bases so much of its daily programming in repeats of Two & A Half Men and the second worst sitcom ever made (Everybody Loves Raymond) surely won’t be able to make a sitcom that’s passable as anything more than a “cheap Coupling” or a “rotten Outnumbered”, so why should we provide them with any platform for their terrible programming decisions.

And yet… it was Comedy Central’s US parent that brought back Futurama.

Swings and roundabouts.

So now that the argument of bias against the network is neatly packed up into Charlie Sheen’s coke-case and dispatched to a forgotten part of the Colombian rainforest, what of Threesome? Does it stand up against the usual, painfully unfunny dross that spews forth from the urethra of British television channels like televisual kidney failure?

Yes, it does.

That is to say, it’s actually quite good. It’s sometimes easy to write off small group comedies as being a format that’s almost impossible to find new direction in but Threesome takes one night of drug-sodden lust and makes it the basis for a witty comedy which is both intelligent and utterly juvenile in equal measure.Ha

Having three 29 year olds living a life that is often the staple of this kind of comedy is a risk in the first place. The urge to switch off before even getting to five minutes is strong as you watch Richie, Alice and Mitch bounce around their lives like MDMA-riddled spinning tops, alternating between hungover and absolutely off their tits like a grown-up version of Skins. Quite literally on acid.

In saying that, the rapid characterisation of the first third of the show is a calculated risk in a show where one needs to make an almost instant connection to the characters. There’s no building up a like of the three friends. If you can’t find anything remotely likeable in them after ten minutes then turn off, go and make yourself a cup of tea and then tweet about how there aren’t any good British comedies any more while you pick flecked tissue out of your nose.

Given that the press shots ruin one of the few surprises in the show, prepare yourself for a spoiler. It’s a pregnancy story. The real question will be, after a strong first episode, will the characters fall into ‘comedy pregnancy’ stereotypes and lose their way in jokes about breastfeeding and Epidurals. The hope is that they won’t but the danger looms, omnipresent in every word of the last five minutes of the first episode and leaves the viewer praying that Threesome doesn’t end up shitting its undoubted potential up the wall.

The fact is that despite the accelerated characterisation and seeming flippancy of one of the most important events in the series, Threesome is a diverting half hour. It’s well shot, doesn’t rely on a laughter track and is well paced, not trying to cram too many jokes into a half hour and letting the situations provide the humour. Look out for Mitch going the wrong way up an escalator to see what we mean.

You can have a watch of episode one before its premiere on Comedy Central and decide for yourself. You don’t even have to have Sky. Which is nice.

Here’s some clips of the show:

No eye contact, no cock touching

Putting up flatpack furniture on drugs

Cosmo or Compo?

Folded

• Vote ‘Spray! - We’re nominated for a Cosmopolitan Blog Award and sure, usually we’re not interested in accolades but… well… actually… yeah. We’re total award whores. Vote for us under the ‘Celebrity’ category. Go now… go on… we’ll wait.
• Stickman – Draw a stickman and follow a wonderful little story through to its logical conclusion.
• The Best Video Ever – Sure, it might be cruel but you can’t say it’s not bloody impressive.
• X Factor USA – Knowing full well that our very own Sophie Hall has the UK version of the show locked down over here, The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to make ex-Hecklerspray Ed Stuart Heritage liveblog the US version. Check his twitter for the links and whatnot.
• Cab Calloway - Here’s a picture. Why not?

Creased

• Skimming Off The Top - Just how do you end up with a bill of £16 for a muffin?
• Crack Pipe Show n’ Tell – Is it creased or is it hilarious?
• VOLTRON! – It’s coming back as a comic… for no good reason.
• Dark Shadows – Tim Burton has done it again. Wait… where Hele- oh, there she is.
• The Death Penalty – Well… duh.

By the way… remember…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

There’s nothing weirder than finding people who are so obsessed with something that they’re willing to go to any length of internet-based conflict in order to defend their nonsensical beliefs. It is a trait most often seen in fans of Muse, Twilight, INXS, Queen and, quite inexplicably, Larry David. There are few things that hecklerspray writers love more than these people. The ‘whine’ of fans.

And so we come to our weekly perusal of our post, the time that- for us- is the closest we’ll ever come to having sex with Ann Widdicombe. We approach the post bag with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity with only a modicum of sexual excitement, we reach out our shaking, clammy paws.

Find out what becomes of us over the jump…

Remember to click that HD button…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!