We know we know…Stu’s gone and you don’t know what you’ll do.

You’re probably thinking of jumping in the shower with a toaster, or forcing yourself down the gullet of a large hungry fish – but know this – he’s on ‘vacation,’ or something.

Truth be told, he took some pills to make him lactate, and now he’s slowly working his way across poorest Africa – feeding all he can. We asked him before he left if he thought he’d mind the chafing, to which he clipped on his fanny-pack, looked towards the horizon and said ‘no.’

Don’t worry about him – he’ll be back Monday. Plus he brought a gun.

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Hecklerspray now has a new Facebook fan page, you see, and we’d be awfully grateful if you’d join it. It’s going to be a non-stop funride full of pictures and videos and links and hilarious non-stop interaction between hecklerspray writers and readers. And we definitely won’t abandon it like an unloved child after two or three days. We’re pretty sure that we almost definitely won’t do that.

Join us on Facebook now.

So here it is. They said it could never happen. It almost didn’t happen. But welcome to the brand new, all-singing, all dancing hecklerspray 2.0.

As you can see, the site’s been tweaked here and there – the navigation is a little easier, there’s a carouselly thing on the right hand side and things generally don’t look like they were thrown together by a cack-handed pensioner who’d never seen a computer before. Oh, and it’s whiter.

After the jump: more explanation and THE GREATEST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE…

We’re still ironing out the odd kink in the system here and there, so it’ll take a few days to get everything looking completely shipshape. In the meantime, though, do let us know what you make of it – you’re the ones who have to look at the bloody thing, after all.

And, you know, it’s only a matter of time before we do a Facebook and start ripping off Twitter, so make the most of hecklerspray looking like this while you still can.

Anyway, sermon over. Now, as promised, here’s our new celebrity friend to tell you all of the above in a more succinct and generally amusing way:

And, it’s fair to say, we were rubbish. Thanks to a mixture of horrible weather, a position on the BAFTAs red carpet directly opposite all the real journalists and our own genuinely backwards people skills, we ended up coming away from the BAFTAs with nothing more than trenchfoot, a lack of feeling in any of our extremities and this slightly humiliating video.

We’ll have a full BAFTA report coming up in a few hours – but in the meantime, do feel free to revel in this visual evidence of our thundering social ineptitude.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Not specifically because they stood in our way, mind you, but probably because they kept refusing Jong-il’s IM chat requests. Never deny a dictator, that’s one thing we’ve always lived by. Anyway – over the course of many, many months hecklerspray’s very own Shawn Lindseth has used his spare time to animate a moving story of love, loss, and a horrible plague of killer-dyslexia that absolutely ravages a city.

Its his first original work, animation-speaking. Enjoy it, won’t you. And for Pete’s sake click on that Digg link. If not for us, then do it for our recently dead Korean relatives and the memory of their meaty, delicious throats.

Set up to recognise websites that are ‘truly taking Britain into the world of Web 2.0′, the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards have decided that we’re the second-best entertainment website in the country. Which we’re perfectly OK with, since the only thing that beat us was the gigantic, wonderful BBC iPlayer. And coming second only to nationally-broadcast television programmes suits us just fine.

So that’s best British blog in 2007, the 45th most powerful blog in the world in 2008 and second-best entertainment website in the UK (or first best entertainment website that isn’t directly funded by the public, as we prefer to think of it) in 2009. What’ll we get in 2010? Some food, hopefully. We’re so very hungry.

Also, £10 says that no New Kids On The Block fans were on the judging panel.

Well you can! Because hecklerspray is on Twitter! Properly on Twitter, too, now. We’re not just slapping our RSS feed on there and forgetting about it like before. We’ve actually decided to regularly update it with unique stuff that you’ll only be able to read on Twitter! Things like ‘My legs hurt, I do hope it isn’t DVT,’ ‘Isn’t it cold for this time of the year?’ and the classic ‘Why do acorns get little holders and conkers don’t? Nature can be so very cruel sometimes’.

So follow hecklerspray on Twitter now. Because, remember, if you hate Twitter you’re basically worse than Hitler.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter now

Folded:

• Rambo on DVD (‘cos the man is a beast)

• Darth Vader does Thriller (quite funny really)

• Low-cost, small town clothing retailers: ‘Bobby Dazzler’, ‘ReVamp’ and the like (probably the best shop names in the world)

• Electric Feel by MGMT (awash with 80’s influences, this corking tune is about to be played to death)

• Clarkson’s Car Years on Dave (laugh at his hair; laugh at his June 2000 prediction that the supercar is dead)

Creased:

• The sad passing of movie effects auteur Stan Winston (from The Terminator to Aliens to Predator to Iron Man, this genius had a hand in everything great)

• The Decent 2 (how, we don’t know. We’re worried)

• GTA IV fatigue (for all its perfecto gameplay, once GTA’s main plot is done and dusted the re-play factor isn’t that high)

• The miserable surgeons of Grey’s Anatomy (a self-involved bunch of smart ass tossers. Except Addison, she’s a sexy lady)

• ‘McDreamy’ (see above – a live-action Ken doll, only with less brain matter)

This is weird. I’m not sure I’m very comfortable with writing in a first-person narrative anymore. You see, writing for hecklerspray this past six or seven months has made me lose all sense of individuality. The concept of ‘I’ is totally alien to me now.

I can barely remember the man I used to be. Once I had passed the strict audition process I was led into a dark room by one of Lord Heritage’s henchman who sat me down and cuffed me to a chair. Then, after pinning my eyelids back, he turned a projector on.

I’m told that before I joined hecklerspray I was an avid fan of Paris Hilton and that I used to wax lyrical about the genius musicianship of Ricky Wilson. Lord Heritage wasn’t happy about this, understandably, but he had spotted promise in my writing and had faith in me, and so it was that I was forced to sit through a week long video montage of Paris Hilton’s face, cut up to the tune of ‘Ruby’.

Suffice to say, come the end of the week, I was enlightened. Suddenly there was a flash of light and Lord Heritage appeared. The way he smiled at me…I have no words. You had to be there. He released me from the chair and put some drops in my frazzled eyes, then kissed me on the cheek before saying “I am your friend. I am your friend”.

He congratulated me on my progress before getting me to sign some legally-binding contracts that divorced me from my family and married me to hecklerspray. I was told I could never see my mum or dad again.

Mum, Dad… if you’re reading this, I’d like to let you know that I’m fine. He feeds me every day. I’m not allowed to see the sun anymore, but he describes it to me in great detail. Do not weep for me; I am in better hands now.

And so, here we are, six or seven months later, and I have reached level five of the induction process, which basically means I am now allowed fiber in my diet but, more importantly, that Stuart can afford to go on a well-deserved two week holiday safe in the knowledge that his website is in trustworthy hands.

And, after all that, I’m only here for today, before passing the reigns to the equally well-groomed Shawn Lindseth (seventh in line to the throne of the Swazi Royal Family, don’t you know?) and the always gorgeous Ian Dransfield, both of whom will be carrying you through this Heritageless fortnight.

It’ll be fine!

Oh, who am I kidding? I miss him already. Come back Stu! What have you done? I’m not ready for this responsiblity yet! What the fuck do all these buttons do? I can’t remember a thing you’ve taught me.

Mum, Dad…your baby’s coming home!

Not only is hecklerspray the universal meeting place for abusive gonk-eyed, all-capital Christina Aguilera fanatics, but we're also winners of Metro's best British entertainment blog award and the 45th most powerful blog in the world. We don't know if we mentioned that before. 45th.

But that's not enough, oh no. Because now we've also been nominated for Best Celebrity and Entertainment blog at this year's Glam awards. Somewhat predictably, though, we're going to need your help. If you'd like to, and of course you would, you can vote for hecklerspray here under the Celebrity and Entertainment category. Best of all, you get a brand new vote every day – so you can vote hecklerspray again and again and again.

The prize? Why it's a shiny pink camcorder. And here's the thing – if we win the award, we're going to give it away to one of you. Because it's a shiny pink camcorder, for christ's sake. Who'd want that.

Vote! Vote like you've never voted before! 

Why? Because according to a list in today's Observer, hecklerspray is the 45th most powerful blog in the world. Yes, the world. Take that, blogs from Argentina and eastern Europe – today we wear a crown made from your broken dreams. Hecklerspray is powerful, like a tank or a bear or something.

You can see The Observer's 50 most powerful blog list in full here, including the bit where it says we're good. We knew that tainting a newspaper's water supply with mercury would eventually pay off. We knew it.

Honestly, we don't think we've ever been so flattered. There are some very good blogs in the list, along with a couple of ropey ones. And – if first is gold and second is silver – then what sort of medal will 45th place get us? One made of milk bottle tops? A discarded condom wrapper? Depleted weapons-grade uranium? Hooray for us!

It's a year that's seen hecklerspray writers thrown out of magazine-based writing competitions for cheating, hecklerspray writers painted bright orange as a gruesome initiation to other magazines, hecklerspray writers going on serious news programmes to discuss the real threat of wanking Kenyan monkeys and hecklerspray writers waggling huge black dildos around while being scathing about Second Life for digital TV channels. And we're even told that some things happened over the course of 2007 that didn't directly involve people who work for hecklerspray, although we are yet to see proof of this.

But what about next year? What do our senior writers personally want from that? Let's take a look…

Stuart Heritage
Since 2007 was the year that hecklerspray won an award and got big enough for me to go on Sky News to discuss wanking Kenyan monkeys with a horrified newsreader, I'd like 2008 to be the year that you people get more involved by leaving more comments and whatnot. It's you who make hecklerspray what it is, and reading comments – positive or negative, thought-provoking or insulting – is a constant highlight of my day. So do that more please.

2008 might be the year that I try to give up being sincere as well. Bleurgh.

CJ Davies
Interesting one, this. Should I go wishing for something personal – like money, fame, power, or the reintroduction of Pretzel Flipz snacks and Mountain Dew soft drinks into the UK market (seriously, they may like starting wars and all that, but those Americans beat us hands down when it comes to unhealthy snacks. Next time you're out there, try a pack of Sour Skittles – they're pissing unbelievable, coated in some toxic extra layer of sugar that our poncy EU regulations presumably wouldn't allow on 'safety' grounds. The big bunch of girls).

Tempting, but nah. Instead, I'm going to be all out of character and offer what may be considered a 'nice gesture.' My wish is that you, the hecklerspray readers, have a very happy 2008. Because – despite scaring me with occasional obscene gay fanmail and comments like 'OMG OMG u r all haters dissing Pete Doherty, he is a poet innit' – I do kind of like you. Now, go on – enjoy your holidays, you cheeky little scamps.

Shawn Lindseth
As this year concludes and rolls into the next, I can't help but marvel at the scientific intricacies mankind has achieved – we have spaceships now, you know. Yet despite our apparent progress, I know no matter how innovative our creations become, man can never compare to the brilliance of nature.

Take for instance, a man's testicles. Nature created them at least 40 years ago, and the way they convert urine into life giving sperm is still eons beyond anything man could dare dream of creating. Thanks for that kind or stuff nature.

Oh, and my '08 wish is for a financial windfall.

Chris Laverty
I do not want world peace as I have been shipping arms through Iran for over a year now. I have never been so flush.

Gun running is not the easiest business in the world (try quoting it when you next renew your car insurance), yet the people make it worthwhile. Everywhere I go there is a friendly face. Not all of them are breathing, or even attached to a body, but I'm not much for small talk anyway. Best of all, this is the first time in my life that I've ever had a proper tan.

As for next year, I would love to see a gradual phasing out of the mobile phone (I use a satellite phone which is not really the same thing) – in particular texting.

If I see one more ruddy-faced teen button-clicking with such ferocity that he or she is likely to be claiming drugs off the NHS for the next 50 years because of the chronic Arthritis they have developed, I will shoot them with my own stock.

There is an irony in texting being the most anti-social pastime in the world; though not one funny enough to write about. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year – I've got a plane to catch.

Matthew Laidlow
I guess for 2008 I could bang on about finding a solutions for the world’s problems, like solving the lie that is global warming or – like Bono – trying to save the starving by giving them Big Macs or something, even though his efforts have apparently done fuck all. Though I did donate a pound for some rice to some hungry Africans, or maybe it was just a beggar exploiting my naivety so she could buy a tab of LSD. 

For 2008, the real miracle will not be reducing Polish people stealing all the crap jobs British people don’t want to do, but whether or not Axl Rose will finally shit out this bloody album he’s been on and on and on and on and on about for God knows how many years. I’d love to see what the ginger-locked rocker actually comes up with. He has had enough time working on it. Hopefully it’ll see the light of day at some point. even though we all know it's going to be the biggest pile of toss ever.

Annette Hyde
My wish for 2008 is to upgrade my life from lazy to not quite so lazy. I’d like to upgrade from basic cable to standard cable, upgrade from tape deck in my car to portable CD player, aim to put on my shoes on and apply my deodorant before I leave for work instead of while driving, and hemming my pants as opposed to taping them on the inside with duct tape. I know these are lofty goals, but I once I put my mind to something, it always gets done. Eventually. Usually by someone else, come to think of it.

We're coming back in full force on January 2, so be ready for us then. In the meantime, why not leave your own wishes for 2008 in the comment box below, just like one of us asked you to about 45 seconds ago. Christ, what's wrong with you people? 

Almost – you'll still be able to read our now-traditional Christmas Best-Of lists between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve. But look how good 2007 has been – every single famous person in the world has either overdosed on drugs, made a sex tape, got pregnant, wound up in jail or spent prolonged periods of time locked up in jail. Every single one. Will 2008 be able to top that? Of course it will! At the rate things are going, if Britney Spears hasn't caused a large nuclear reactor to melt down and explode by Valentine's day we'll be awfully surprised. And hecklerspray might even have a surprise or two up its sleeve for you as well…

Not that 2007 hasn't been a sterling year for us. We've won awards, been threatened with legal action from famous Hollywood directors, had our name mispronounced twice by Sky News presenters and – best of all – we're twice as big now than we were at this point last year. A lot of that is down to you, you crazy bunch of kids. All of us here would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts, but our natural aversion to sincerity in any form won't let us. So we've roped in our famous friend Alec Baldwin to tell you all the things we want to, but can't.

We'll be back in full force on January 2 to try and make news out of the scraps of post-Christmas nothingness that'll be bobbing around. But until then, have a jolly bloody merry Christmas, the sodding lot of you.