hecklerspray - HecklerSpray

Readers’ Letters: “The Ballad Of Rough Lesbian Sex” Or “How To Deal With A Slow Week”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re stunningly dull sometimes, readers.

We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is “Ha.” or “Good work.” or maybe the occasional, “Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits”.

This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone’s obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here’s us over-reacting to your comments.

Chris Brown Is A Sex Symbol Like Beyonc? Claims Deluded Fat Joe

January 11th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

People have all sorts of warped ideas about what constitutes ?sexy.? Simply type a few random words into Google alongside the word ?porn? and you're quite likely to find a result. Is anyone up for some hot and steamy ?Pesticide Snorkelling Orgy? action? Anyone? Okay…

Even we know that sordid fantasies are usually kept locked away in peoples’ sick imaginations. In reality, the common person needs something realistic to go weak at the knees over. For the majority of men, the briefest flash of a female boob will send their shrivelled members into arousal overdrive.

However, girls look for more than a gawp at the genitals of someone they fancy. Females from the comical Team Breezy gang seem slobber instantly when Chris Brown?s name is mentioned. Perhaps they all have a fetish for a domestic abuser. According to fellow rapper Fat Joe, Team Breezy couldn't get enough of his fists at a recent video shoot.

Strictly Come Dancing Final Live Blog!

July 28th, 2012 By Michael Park

Fresh from the unparalleled success of our Young Apprentice live blog, hecklerspray are reluctant to announce our Strictly Come Dancing final brought to you by our regular Strictly columnist Jacki Evans and Michael Park, a man who has never seen Strictly Come Dancing before. Ever. Get your scorecards ready and remember that you can comment on the live blog in the comment box or use our twitter hashtag #HSSCD.

Professor Green To Take His Horrible Quacking Voice Around On Dreadful Tour

November 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Professor Green as, despite forever sounding like he’s in a headlock, managed to forge a career as a rapper. At least he’s managed to answer the question: What would Nelson Mandela sound like if he went into hip hop?

Anyway, Professor Green (Professor in sounding like he’s got a wasp trapped in his windpipe while looking despairingly gormless, if you were wondering) is currently in the middle of a tour where he performs for Guardian readers and other people who afraid of non-whites on the sly.

And get this! You yoghurt plaiting gimps can catch him some more as he’s announced dates for a brand new UK tour in April 2012! AMAZING NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE THEIR RAPPERS TO SOUND LIKE CUDDLES THE MONKEY!

A Video Of The Cosmo Blog Awards, Where We Won Because We’re Obviously Amazing

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Watch this. Editor Mof is in it looking like an idiot and talking like a fool (and they cut out all the bits where he was nasty about everyone on Earth,mercifully) at the Cosmo Blog Awards 2011.

Thanks to all who voted for us. We’ll stop going on about it now.

Hecklerspray At The Cosmo Blog Awards 2011 (Where We Won A Prize)

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

So. hecklerspay went and won an award. That’s right. Between the judging panel of Cosmopolitan UK and all you wonderfully rotten people who voted for Team ‘Spray, we went and landed Best Celeb Blog.

An award so important that the word ‘celebrity’ can be abbreviated.

And so, here’s a little diary of the night, complete with photographs of the event. And me, Editor Mof, went and made an absolute fool of himself as promised. All thanks to you shower of gits. (Seriously though, thanks and everything. Next month, you shall build a giant statue in my honour or else).

Sinead O’Connor Doesn't Like To See People Crying On X Factor, The Blubbing Hypocrite

October 26th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Back when times were pure and innocent, only a few select events took up room on our calendar; such as birthdays and the elusive annual leave. Now, more and more meaningless events are cluttering our calendars as television bullies its way into our lives, sits down on top of us and angrily demands that we perform oral sex on it.

August used to be the time when advertisers would pester us with commercials about Christmas hampers and store cards. Now, when we see this particular month approaching, we know that the booming narration of X-Factor is set to begin and for a few weeks, we get to see slew of modern-day freaks being paraded in front of four berks for our amusement.

Every Saturday, everyone rushes all their errands so they can watch TV with strong continental lager and a fatty takeaway. Only then can you make snide comments about how someone singing their heart out is inferior to you. Hell, maybe you even tweet about it. Incessantly.

There Is Still Time To Vote For Hecklerspray So We Can Make Fools Of Ourselves

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There’s still time to vote for Hecklerspray so we can totally win the BEST CELEB category at the Cosmo Blog Awards. Just imagine us lot, pale and wan, malnourished and drunk amongst a gaggle of glamorous fashion bloggers.

Just think of that. We’ll be drunk with nerves. Nerves and booze. So this almost certainly means we’ll be acting like idiots at the ceremony. You should vote for us just to make us suffer. It’s only fair after we’ve put you through misery with our awful, awful articles. Just click the image above and vote vote VOTE!

Review: Comedy Central’s Threesome

August 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.

It’s pretty much as simple as that.

Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.

Voting Is Still Open! Vote Hecklerspray Or We’ll Kill You All!

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers