It’s a clean scalp. it’s a healthy scalp, and we just really want to touch it. Not with our hands, of course – with a plank. We think it’d do good for both him, and his career. It’s a common thought, you know. People want to touch his head all the time.

That’s why a bunch of airport-masseuses recently had a throw down. Ewan walked in for a head massage and they all wanted to give it to him. It’s unknown how things got settled, but we bet the actor ended up with mayonnaise saturating his hair, cucumber-slices prying his eyes open, and free-range dung beetles nesting in all his body holes.

Our mother told us about the goings-on in those horrible places. They’re all dens of sin.

When you peruse airports as much as Ewan McGregor does, chances are you’ve learned how to relax while doing so. You know just where to get an $11 bagel sandwich with one three-inch-square piece of thinly-sliced meat on it. You know where all the rusty power outlets are so you can recharge your cell phone, and you know where to go so women can touch you for money.

Some airports do have places like that – now chances are these specific establishments are not in direct competition with any of Heidi Fleiss’ business ventures, but you can walk into them expecting a nice, sensual rub-down of many of your various body parts.

McGregor did this recently, with only something called a ‘Indian Head massage’ in mind. Careful there Ewan, in the western United States that’s code for a scalping. After McGregor placed his order, every single woman in the world started throwing punches for the honour of working out the actor’s head knots. Or something like that.

As the Mirror put it:

“Star Wars hunk Ewan McGregor visited the Virgin Clubhouse at Heathrow for some pampering and caused a commotion. Our onlooker says: “Gorgeous masseuses were squabbling over who would give him an Indian head massage.”

And that’s where the quote ends. It seems pretty abbreviated, but we think it safe to assume knife fights were implied therein. Also maybe battles to the death, where all the contestants were dressed in shiny leather one-piecers while riding atop valiant white steeds, was implied, too. Also maybe the fight took place in a room filled with Cool Whip and various fresh fruits. We think that can clearly be read between the lines as well.

Rumor has it the winner was a guy named Tony.

Congratulations Tony. Sounds like you had quite a day.

Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

There's a set of basic rules that you need to follow should you encounter Naomi Campbell. 1) Don't look her in the eye. 2) Similarly, don't look away from her. 3) Never smile at Naomi Campbell because she sees bared teeth as an aggressive threat, much like several wild animals do. 4) Always always for the love of God always do everything that Naomi Campbell asks whatever it is, just don't let her hurt your children.

Oh, and try not to lose Naomi Campbell's luggage. She goes apeshit when that happens. But nobody would be stupid enough to do tha… whatnow? Airport staff at Heathrow's newly-opened Terminal 5 misplaced Naomi Campbell's luggage? Gulp.

Actually, you know what, Naomi Campbell has been legally punished for her violent behaviour before, so we're sure she reacted to this news with grace and mature dignit… huh? She attacked a policeman? Well, yes, we suppose that sounds about right. Sky reports:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been released on bail pending further inquiries after being questioned by police following her arrest at Heathrow airport on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Passengers watched as police officers boarded the flight after what witnesses said involved a dispute over luggage. They said the model… was aggressive and abusive to staff and police. A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "At 17.11 we were alerted to a disturbance at Terminal 5 where officers attended. Subsequently a 37-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and taken to Heathrow police station."

Well, duh. You people lost her luggage. This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about here, the woman who punched a boat into driftwood because someone offered her a plate of mozzarella and tomato slices. What were you expecting? A hug? Well we've got news for you – Naomi Campbell doesn't hug anyone unless she's overpowering them into submission so that she can dislocate her jaw and swallow them whole afterwards. Seriously, that police officer should just be thankful that he's not pulling a smartphone out of his skull right now.

But although Naomi Campbell being arrested on suspicion of assault is actually a bit of a backstep as far as her behavioural rehabilitation goes, there's also a lot of good to be taken from it. For example, now that a thin woman has had a tantrum about it, perhaps the Terminal 5 officials will finally get their act together and sort out the luggage problem. After all, 14,000 people may have lost their luggage, but don't forget that a supermodel is worth 14,001 normal people.

What's more, maybe the Naomi Campbell arrest goes to show what a fantastic anti-terrorism device she is. After all, would you hijack a flight if Naomi Campbell was onboard going mental at everything at the same time? No, no you wouldn't. You'd be too busy shitting it. Not even the promise of 72 heavenly virgins in the afterlife is worth getting a thick ear from Naomi Campbell.

Read more:

Naomi Arrested On Suspicion Of Assault – Sky