Worrying reports are flooding into the bedsit that Girls Aloud and (apparently) solo star Kimberley Walsh has managed to misplace long-time friend and band-mate Cheryl Cole while on holiday in America. News in recent weeks has suggested that Cheryl is trying to get her PR disaster of a career back on track but this latest navigational disaster could be the death-knell in the coffin of Chezza’s dreams of cracking America.

Cole and ‘Bez Friend Fo’evvvvaaaaa’ Kimberley Walsh had been enjoying a short holiday in Los Angeles for the past week but concerns have been raised when Walsh was seen at London’s Heathrow airport Arrivals area without her former band-mate.

The pair had been enjoying nights out in Hollywood with Cheryl’s brother Garry, not to mention hooking up with Dancing With The Stars professional, Derek Hough. We’re not quite sure what ‘hooking up’ means in this context but if it transpires that anyhting has happened to the Geordie songstress and Will.I.Am fancier then he will have to numero uno on the list of suspects.

Kimberley appears to have misplaced her friend and is now back home, leaving Cheryl lost and alone Stateside. hecklerspray have some ideas where she might be:

1. Stalking Simon Cowell

It’s a well-known facLot now that Cheryl’s less than graceful exit from the US version of X Factor was a stumbling block in her career. However, there is still a great deal that is not known about the reasons behind her exit from the show. Did she fall out with Paula Abdul and perhaps call her a miserable old single has-been? Probably. That won’t stop her following Simon Cowell around, trying desperately to curry favour though, will it?

2. Sitting in Will.I.Am’s Basement

It’s no secret that Mr I.Am is a big fan of the people’s princess, Mrs Cole. Perhaps these rumours of her reuniting with estranged husband Ashley have been enough to force the Black Eyed Pea’s hand in the matter. After all, with the dreadful, tuneless berks taking a break for a while, he’s going to be looking for something to do.

We mean musically, obviously. Far be it for people as depraved as ourselves to accuse Mr I.Am of being some kind of sexual deviant.

3. Taking Elocution Lessons

It is speculated that not only did Cole fall out with the miserable, single has-been Paula Abdul but American audiences found her lilting Geordie tones quite difficult to follow. This is despite the fact that Steve Jones, who is famously Welsh and speaks like an alligator with an underbite, has been hired to present the show.

So, of course, there are rumours floating around that Cheryl is trying to perfect a lovely, dulcet Harry Secombe tone for her next American job.

4. Writing for hecklerspray

Look at you, sitting there in disbelief. Who’s to say that Cheryl doesn’t already write for us? You honestly thought that Matthew Laidlow was a real person? You couldn’t be more wrong. He is, in fact, Cheryl Cole writing under a pseudonym and giving her celebrity rivals ‘what for’. You go, “Matthew Laidlow”!

Of course, she could just be relaxing on the beach somewhere far away from the long lens of the paparazzi. You know… like the moon or something.

Kelly Brook, the only girl who comes anywhere near matching the sheer loveliness of Zooey Deschanel, is off the market again by the looks of it.

The buxom British babe, star of Piranha 3D and… probably something else none of us can quite think of right now, apart from that issue of Playboy she got her norks out for obviously.

Apparently the lovely Kelly has jetted off to the Maldives with her ex Danny Caprisun, a bloke what plays Rugby, that sport where big men give each other special hugs whilst wearing tight tops and shorts.

News agencies across the land have searched high and low for information as to whether or not the couple are back together, but apparently couldn’t be bothered to actually call someone up or use any of their journalistic contacts. No, our intrepid modern day hacks have, once again, stayed in bed and decided that Twitter is the best source for news there is.

And why should we be any different? Kelly updated her official twitter, which we would plug here but if you can’t use Google to find it you really don’t deserve our time, with the following:

“In the Maldives pure Paradise couldn’t face battling Heathrow. Hopefully back Christmas day!”

Not that she’s trying to rub in the fact that she’s a stunningly attractive young woman with quite a considerable amount of cash and some pre-pubescent, pretend athlete boyfriend, with a name that sounds like a kids juice drink, that she can pick up and drop as she pleases, who can go on holiday to the Maldives while the rest of us have to sit in the bloody cold, looking out on all the happy people building snowmen as we’re forced to sit behind a computer and type out ridiculous over the top diatribes about people more successful than themselves on holiday in the bloody Maldives!

In fact, we here at hecklerspray take it back, Kelly is no where near as lovely as our mysterious queen of hearts, Zooey. How could we have been foolish enough to even think she was!?

Not that we’re jealous you understand…

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If you were watching TV last night you will have found it hard to miss T-Mobile’s latest flashmob-based ad, which took place in Heathrow’s Terminal 5, in London.

The ad was shown simultaneously on 86 channels at 10.15pm, meaning that around one in six people in the UK will have seen it. In the event that you didn’t, here it is:

The mobile firm has a history of inviting people to flashmobs for a spot of public dancing. It then films them and turns them into ads. This one was filmed, edited and broadcast within 36 hours.

Hecklerspray hates hanging around in airports, but this would have provided some light amusement, in a Bobby McFerrin kinda way.

The T-Mobile flashmob ads have been seen by more than 26 million people on YouTube. What do you think of the latest one?

Whenever hecklerspray finds itself watching a film starring Ewan McGregor, we usually end up staring at his scalp.

It’s a clean scalp. it’s a healthy scalp, and we just really want to touch it. Not with our hands, of course – with a plank. We think it’d do good for both him, and his career. It’s a common thought, you know. People want to touch his head all the time.

That’s why a bunch of airport-masseuses recently had a throw down. Ewan walked in for a head massage and they all wanted to give it to him. It’s unknown how things got settled, but we bet the actor ended up with mayonnaise saturating his hair, cucumber-slices prying his eyes open, and free-range dung beetles nesting in all his body holes.

Our mother told us about the goings-on in those horrible places. They’re all dens of sin.

When you peruse airports as much as Ewan McGregor does, chances are you’ve learned how to relax while doing so. You know just where to get an $11 bagel sandwich with one three-inch-square piece of thinly-sliced meat on it. You know where all the rusty power outlets are so you can recharge your cell phone, and you know where to go so women can touch you for money.

Some airports do have places like that – now chances are these specific establishments are not in direct competition with any of Heidi Fleiss’ business ventures, but you can walk into them expecting a nice, sensual rub-down of many of your various body parts.

McGregor did this recently, with only something called a ‘Indian Head massage’ in mind. Careful there Ewan, in the western United States that’s code for a scalping. After McGregor placed his order, every single woman in the world started throwing punches for the honour of working out the actor’s head knots. Or something like that.

As the Mirror put it:

“Star Wars hunk Ewan McGregor visited the Virgin Clubhouse at Heathrow for some pampering and caused a commotion. Our onlooker says: “Gorgeous masseuses were squabbling over who would give him an Indian head massage.”

And that’s where the quote ends. It seems pretty abbreviated, but we think it safe to assume knife fights were implied therein. Also maybe battles to the death, where all the contestants were dressed in shiny leather one-piecers while riding atop valiant white steeds, was implied, too. Also maybe the fight took place in a room filled with Cool Whip and various fresh fruits. We think that can clearly be read between the lines as well.

Rumor has it the winner was a guy named Tony.

Congratulations Tony. Sounds like you had quite a day.

The Heathrow Terminal 5 situation is worse than we thought – it's managed to make Naomi Campbell angry, and nothing makes Naomi Campbell angry.

Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

There's a set of basic rules that you need to follow should you encounter Naomi Campbell. 1) Don't look her in the eye. 2) Similarly, don't look away from her. 3) Never smile at Naomi Campbell because she sees bared teeth as an aggressive threat, much like several wild animals do. 4) Always always for the love of God always do everything that Naomi Campbell asks whatever it is, just don't let her hurt your children.

Oh, and try not to lose Naomi Campbell's luggage. She goes apeshit when that happens. But nobody would be stupid enough to do tha… whatnow? Airport staff at Heathrow's newly-opened Terminal 5 misplaced Naomi Campbell's luggage? Gulp.

Actually, you know what, Naomi Campbell has been legally punished for her violent behaviour before, so we're sure she reacted to this news with grace and mature dignit… huh? She attacked a policeman? Well, yes, we suppose that sounds about right. Sky reports:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been released on bail pending further inquiries after being questioned by police following her arrest at Heathrow airport on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Passengers watched as police officers boarded the flight after what witnesses said involved a dispute over luggage. They said the model… was aggressive and abusive to staff and police. A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "At 17.11 we were alerted to a disturbance at Terminal 5 where officers attended. Subsequently a 37-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and taken to Heathrow police station."

Well, duh. You people lost her luggage. This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about here, the woman who punched a boat into driftwood because someone offered her a plate of mozzarella and tomato slices. What were you expecting? A hug? Well we've got news for you – Naomi Campbell doesn't hug anyone unless she's overpowering them into submission so that she can dislocate her jaw and swallow them whole afterwards. Seriously, that police officer should just be thankful that he's not pulling a smartphone out of his skull right now.

But although Naomi Campbell being arrested on suspicion of assault is actually a bit of a backstep as far as her behavioural rehabilitation goes, there's also a lot of good to be taken from it. For example, now that a thin woman has had a tantrum about it, perhaps the Terminal 5 officials will finally get their act together and sort out the luggage problem. After all, 14,000 people may have lost their luggage, but don't forget that a supermodel is worth 14,001 normal people.

What's more, maybe the Naomi Campbell arrest goes to show what a fantastic anti-terrorism device she is. After all, would you hijack a flight if Naomi Campbell was onboard going mental at everything at the same time? No, no you wouldn't. You'd be too busy shitting it. Not even the promise of 72 heavenly virgins in the afterlife is worth getting a thick ear from Naomi Campbell.

Read more:

Naomi Arrested On Suspicion Of Assault – Sky