It took four dance-offs, but it finally happened – last night Heather Small was finally booted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

Tom Chambers – If you read the newspapers last week, you could be forgiven for assuming that Tom Chambers smashed his skull into jelly on a brick wall during training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to A Town Called Malice, However, it turns out that all the froth-mouthed reporting was slightly off. Rather than an exploded head, all Tom Chambers ended up with was a scratch on his arm and enough concussion to make him pull an impressive array of hopelessly unsuitable faces during his routine. Although most of it was sweeping and dynamic, Tom was allowed his own little solo moments at the start and finish of his performance, in which he took the opportunity to spanner around like a kid off his face on blue Smarties. The Strictly Come Dancing judges told him that “it was like watching jumping jack flash. So on the timing – unbelievable.” Sadly they meant the 1986 Whoopi Goldberg movie Jumpin’ Jack Flash, which absolutely isn’t a compliment at all. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Jodie Kidd – If there’s one undeniable truth about Jodie Kidd – other than the fact she’s an unbearably posh idiot who got caught dealing cocaine once – it’s that on Strictly Come Dancing she’s good at slow dances and crap at fast ones. And, on this week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd danced the Samba to an old Tom Jones song. And, as you would have guessed, it was crap. Jodie and her partner deserve some credit for trying to disguise how crap it was by lobbing gimmicks into the routine like crazy – we were particularly fond of the pretend maracas and the bit where Jodie’s partner thrashed furiously at her dress with his hands like he’d lost a contact lens in her minge – but in reality it was drab and halfhearted and the Strictly Come Dancing judges concurred, adding “you crucified that Samba, no real bounce action… limp.. very sticky rolls.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

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Given that he danced like Frankenstein’s monster trampling bubblewrap, Andrew Castle was never going to get far on Strictly Come Dancing.

And yesterday he went. Despite an injury, Andrew Castle unsuccessfully decided to draw attention away from his dicky knee by waggling his shoulders around like an electrocution victim and sort of thrusting his arms about like he was trying to fight off an army of invisible rapists. Not even Andrew Castle’s dance partner rubbing her fanny up and down his bad knee could save him, and that’s really saying something.

So, with Andrew Castle gone, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps this week, for Austin Healey and Heather Small…

Austin Healey – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Austin Healey got to dance a Quickstep to S’wonderful - a dance that was said to be perfect for him because it’s fun and energetic just like him. That wasn’t a completely accurate statement – Austin’s perfect dance would need to be fun and energetic and smug and a bit mouthy – but it was close enough. And the routine itself was just what you’d expect from an Austin Healey performance, in that it was nimble and springy and competent and everyone loved it. That includes the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who called it “as exciting as Lewis Hamilton in the Formula 1″. We think that means it was fast, but so mercilessly professional that it ended up being boring. If that’s the case it was a perfect fit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Heather Small – For the fist time in what feels like Strictly Come Dancing history, Heather Small avoided the dance-off last week and, with thumping inevitability, it turned her into a cocky little sod during training. Nevertheless, the message was clear – Heather Small is really quite decent at slow ballroom dances. So, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Heather naturally had a pop at a fast Cha Cha Cha to American Boy. We’re no experts on the Cha Cha Cha, but we’re pretty sure it’s not supposed to be as porny as Heather’s routine was – all full of snarling and collar-grabs and air lassos and pelvic thrusting – nor as wonky and out of time. The Strictly Come Dancing judges said that it was “sluggish and behind the beat – a damp squib rather than taking off like a rocket.” But we’re grateful that Heather Small managed to get through to next week – the longer she stays in, the more likely it is that she’ll have full sex with her partner on live TV. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon.

It’s time for out third Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week. Don’t say we never give you anything.

But before we get to that, cast your mind back a few weeks to when we pointed out that shuttling backwards and forwards between the UK and America might end up doing Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman in? We think we saw the fist signs of that on Saturday – Len was preposterously grumpy during the entire show. And we’re not even halfway through yet – he’ll do someone in with an axe by Christmas, mark our words.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Tom Chambers…

Heather Small – After labouring through two Strictly Come Dancing dance-offs in a row, Heather Small was feeling depressed and miserable before Saturday’s show, so she bucked up her ideas the only way she knew how – by playing a concert. It was a smart move – the only people who are depressed and miserable at a Heather Small concert are her audiences – and it meant she could attack her Viennese Waltz to Vision Of Love with a renewed sense of purpose. To put that into English, it meant that Heather Small took off her silver jumpsuit and ridiculous afro and performed a dance that didn’t make us feel like we were suffering from an Ebola attack. And, once again, she looked as if she was enjoying it, too – almost looking as if she was about to have it off with partner at the end of the routine. The Strictly Come Dancing judges noticed this too, and told her “You were a vision of loveliness. The relationship between you two read very well.” All in all, Heather Small was one of the nicest surprises of Strictly Come Dancing so far. We give her a fortnight, tops. Strictly Come Dancing score – 27

Tom Chambers – Nobody, in all fairness, was ever expecting Tom Chambers to do very well on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. After all, he’d got married less than a week ago and was on his honeymoon preparing for a life of emotional detachment and passive aggressive nagging. However, so dedicated is Tom to Strictly Come Dancing that he shipped his partner to the hotel he was staying at and trained for the entire week with his new wife sniffing around in the background. This was all for his Viennese Waltz to Can’t Help Falling In Love With You, which was obviously just a ploy to bung him in the same natty tuxedo he wore the previous week and hope that was enough to get people to vote for him. Apparently, according to the Strictly Come Dancing judges, Mark’s routine was full of technical mistakes, but we didn’t really notice those because we were too busy squirming uncomfortably at all the gooey looks that he was exchanging with his partner throughout the routine, even though his new wife was sitting a few feet away. Urgh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd.

Last night Don Warrington became what we’re assuming to be the millionth contestant to leave Strictly Come Dancing this year.

We know why, of course. Don’s secret weapon in Strictly Come Dancing was his face – he only danced well when he was pulling an expression like a naked midget with excessive bodyhair was trying to jab a poo-covered stick up one of his nostrils. But since he was dancing an American Smooth to Can’t Smile Without You on Saturday, Don had to trade in his repulsed glower for something a bit more civilised. And that’s where it all fell apart.

So with Don Warrington out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Heather Small…

Rachel Stevens – Personally, and we know we’re biased, we want Rachel Stevens to stay a part of Strictly Come Dancing forever, because it means we get to see her identical thuggish bald nightclub bouncer-alike brothers say things like “Yeah, well, she bloody gave herself over to the dance didn’t she? It wuz facking exquisite.” That’s probably the only reason we want Rachel Stevens to stay on Strictly Come Dancing, though, because based on her Samba to Hips Don’t Lie, she’s a bit of a mannequin. Rachel was gunning for ‘sexy’ – that much was clear – but she ended up looking more like one of those Asimo robots that’s been programmed to act sexy. She was doing all the right moves, but was dead-eyed and cold throughout, making her seem more suited to a job as a stripper or hecklerspray‘s girlfriend. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed exactly with what we just said, telling Rachel that she needed to “get the raunch out.” Our forecast for next week? Dildos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Lisa Snowdon – Judging by her Strictly Come Dancing intro, Lisa Snowdon spent her entire week in training sobbing like a numpty. God knows why, because her Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to It Happened In Monterey was pretty good. Lisa dropped all the am-dram stylising of her performance from the previous week and managed to pull out a routine that was slick, professional and even made it look like she was enjoying herself. As for the Strictly Come Dancing judges, they told her “You are the belle of the ballroom!” But that leaves out one tiny point that everyone failed to mention – Lisa Snowdon was only good at the American Smooth because she used to go out with George Clooney, who is smooth and an American, so she’s used to it. She’s probably thanking her lucky stars that she never went out with Tom Cruise, because there isn’t a dance called Berserk Sci-Fi Midget. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Heather Small – As she was introduced for her Strictly Come Dancing Samba to Lola Lola on Saturday, it was clear to see that Heather Small had developed a new weapon in her arsenal – the giant afro. This was impressive. What was less impressive was the way that Heather Small declared that she’d be good at the Samba because she was brought up in London, where once a year in one specific part of London there’s a carnival. Based on that logic, we’ve determined that Heather Small would also be good at driving underground trains, being the entire government and stabbing people for their pocket money. Anyway, as for the Strictly Come Dancing routine in itself, it was a little bit like Heather Small’s old band M People, because it was crap and we can’t really remember anything about it, apart from the bit where her partner slung her about like a corpse at the end. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, telling Heather that it was “Lifeless, lacklustre, laboured.” We’d agree, if we could remember anything about it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, Marc Foster and Austin Healey.

It’s time for day two of this week’s set of Strictly Come Dancing recaps, which means we can remain eerily fixated on the women.

But before we get to that, does anyone get freaked out by the way that Bruce Forsyth specifically welcomes children to each episode of Strictly Come Dancing? If you ask us, children shouldn’t be allowed to watch Strictly Come Dancing – what sort of an example does a show like that set to the youth of today? What if they decide that they want to be Jessie Wallace when they grow up? WHAT THEN, BRUCE?

So anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi…

Heather Small – Having spent the week in training wobbling about in a nervous old failure-spaz, nobody really knew how Heather Small was going to fare in her Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Old Man Time, but it turns out they needn’t have worried. Or they should have worried a bit. Perhaps. Look, we don’t know how well Heather Small did in her dance – it wasn’t particularly quick and there wasn’t much stepping and it was a bit boring, but she looked as if she was enjoying herself – but it’s OK, because that’s more or less what the Strictly Come Dancing judges admitted as well, complimenting her energy but adding that the routine was “heavy, like champagne that had gone flat”. So, yes, Heather Small was either quite good at dancing or not good at dancing at all. One thing’s for sure, though, if the show was called Strictly Come Dress Up As A Mackerel, then she’d far and away be the winner. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Cherie Lunghi – In her last Strictly Come Dancing performance, Cherie Lunghi walked off with the best score of the night, which piled the pressure on her ahead of Saturday’s Rumba to Songbird. And things looked dicey from the start, when Cherie winched her face into a fleshy seaside gurn that we presume was meant to be sexy. From then on, though, everything got a bit too bloody milfy for our liking – Cherie was poised, elegant, leggy, tender, slow and not averse to the odd moment of knicker-flashing and, tragically, all these factors combined to leave us with the vague outline of a slightly humiliating crush on her. Luckily this wasn’t the only reaction to Cherie Lunghi’s dance, though – one Strictly Come Dancing judge told her that “Every single inch of you worked that dance. Fabulous!” while another one pretty much burst into tears at the emotion of it all. It was, in fact, the best-scored Rumba in Strictly Come Dancing history, the majority of which we’re pinning on the knicker shots. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Lisa Snowdon and Rachel Stevens.

Ready for some more recaps of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? You’ve come to the right place. We’re presuming you just answered ‘yes’ to that, by the way.

Of course, these recaps are just a warm-up for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, when all the male celebrities get to take another turn at destroying their masculinity in a procession of frilly blouses and sparkly shoes while trying not to stare at their partner’s cleavage because they know their wife’s in the audience. Wholesome.

Anyway, cracking on with the Strictly Come Dancing recap, here’s what we made of Heather Small and Rachel Stevens…

Heather Small – One thing was guaranteed right from the outset – Heather Small would be infinitely better at Strictly Come Dancing than she is at her day job. That’s because her day job involves howling like a wounded dinosaur at every opportunity, so even if her dancing involved nothing but curling out a big poo on the middle of the floor, it’d still be better. Anyway, Heather Small’s opening Strictly Come Dancing routine was a salsa, and it was unusual in that she actually gave the impression that she knew what she was doing. At one point Heather even looked as if she might have been enjoying herself, which is completely unheard of, frankly. Plus her routine ended with a sort of daredevil WWF move that could have quite easily ended with her spinal fluid spraying all over Bruce Forsyth‘s suit. Odd that she didn’t get a higher score, really. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Rachel Stevens – Bless her. Rachel Stevens’ Strictly Come Dancing introduction featured her holding a microphone, as if to remind people that she was famous for singing, rather than for covering herself in baby oil and wiggling around for FHM. Rachel’s Strictly Come Dancing campaign is already hampered by the fact that her partner is essentially just a walking erection, but she didn’t let that get to her during her Salsa to a weird ballroom version of Money Can’t Buy Me Love, that was officially Quite Good, although it was a painful reminder that Rachel Stevens was the one from S Club 7 who had the least personality. Still, as a former member of S Club 7 on a reality TV show, at least we know that a career-destroying racist-seeming outburst can only be a few weeks away. Hooray! Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Cherie Lunghi.