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Heather Mills

Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

by Stuart Heritage

Today is a momentous day – it’s the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we’re pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she’s not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she’s been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

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Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills Divorce To Go All Public And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Circle March 17 on your calender – that’s when outcome of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be revealed, and who doesn’t enjoy circling dates when bitter divorces between two essentially unlikeable people stumble to a close?

But that’s not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn’t enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?

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Heather Mills Alarmingly Sexier Than You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

Forget everything you know, because Heather Mills is sexy, and if that’s true then we need to rethink everything.

Seriously, although she’s screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren’t we in FHM’s 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

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The Osbournes Want to Beat Up Heather Mills, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

The Brits are tomorrow, and only one thing can save us from the slow carbon monoxide poisoning of Mika, Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis performances.

And that’s Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It’ll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn’t want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that’s who.

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Judge To Choose How Much McCartney Money Heather Mills Gets

by Stuart Heritage

If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it’d be one of those invincible ones that doesn’t die even when you’ve smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.

After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.

And then, in a month, that’ll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn’t like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let’s face it, she probably will.

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Paul McCartney Divorcing Heather Mills Right Now

by Stuart Heritage

The warm-up has included accusations of violence, accusations of prostitution, accusations of infidelity and a set of dodgy naked photos that frankly freak us out every time we even mention them.

But now it’s time for the main event – at 10am today, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills started getting divorced.

The five-day High Court Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is taking place behind closed doors so details will be scant, but we do know that Heather Mills is legally representing herself, so there’s a distinct chance that her entire case is going to revolve around shrieking the word ‘paedophile’ in a funny voice. Or red jelly penises.

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UK Trainwreck Of The Year Awards: THE RESULTS!

by Stuart Heritage

We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It’s a prestigious title, that’s for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let’s find out…

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Heather Mills Orders You To Drink Rats’ Milk

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing that Heather Mills hates – apart from newspapers that obviously can’t see how much better she is than everyone else – it’s bloody cows and all that manky milk they keep squirting out of their cow-knockers.

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows’ milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park’s Speaker’s Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill’s attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne – but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who’ll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats’ milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that’s what we’re doing – in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats’ agonised bodies.

It’s what Heather Mills would have wanted.

If there's one thing that Heather Mills hates - apart from newspapers that obviously can't see how much better she is than everyone else - it's bloody cows and all that manky milk they keep squirting out of their cow-knockers. Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne - but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing - in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies. It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.
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Heather Mills: The Confusing Vegetarian Adverts

by Stuart Heritage

As Heather Mills is eager to acknowledge, if you take away the millionaire-marrying, the self-promoting, the instructional German pornography and the saying ‘paedophile’ in a funny voice, all Heather Mills has done for 20 years is charity.

And that’s not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills’ latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think – we haven’t quite worked that one out yet.

As Heather Mills is eager to acknowledge, if you take away the millionaire-marrying, the self-promoting, the instructional German pornography and the saying 'paedophile' in a funny voice, all Heather Mills has done for 20 years is charity. And that's not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills' latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think - we haven't quite worked that one out yet.
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Paul McCartney All Kissy Kissy With A Millionaire, Possibly

by Stuart Heritage

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman’s touch – their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they’re stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass.

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he’s been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he’s been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it’s clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world ‘paedophile’ in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it’s slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman's touch - their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they're stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass. But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he's been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he's been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it's clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell - a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world 'paedophile' in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice - it's slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.
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