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Heather Mills

Guff About Videogames: Heather Mills Is Bionic Commando

by Ian Dransfield

It’s happened before and it will happen again – stories that are simply too good, that write themselves and just don’t need any additional comment to make them funny. Obviously that won’t stop us from commenting on them, as we’re nice like that. This week came the particularly special news that ex-Beatle-ex and hecklerspray mainstay [...]

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Heather Mills Wants NBC Contractually Obligated To Let Her Win A Season Of The Apprentice

by Shawn Lindseth

For as long as mankind has had any level of self-awareness, we’ve all enjoyed watching one-legged middle aged women flip, twirl, and rhythmically pounce all about. That’s why even if it had aired ten thousand years ago, that Dancing With The Stars season wherein Heather Mills was featured would have scored real high in the [...]

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Heather Mills finds Non-Saggy, Non-Geriatric Biped to Tolerate Her

by hecklerspray staff

You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like, Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing? Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky voiced woman with three remaining limbs, who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

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Heather Mills To Be Celebrity Apprentice?

by C J Davies

It’s difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within – Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers LLC.

That hasn’t stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from namedropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however. After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

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Yoko Ono Feels All Upset For Heather Mills

by Matthew Laidlow

Yoko Ono Feels All Upset For Heather MillsIt’s fair kop to say that John Lennon was a bit of a musical genius. He and Paul McCartney momentarily stopped nicking cars and Hobnobs from the corner shop to write a whole load of pop tunes. These songs captivated a city, a country and later the whole wide world.

However, every successful star has a downfall, and he had a couple. Unlike today’s woozy musicians like the moon crater face bloke from Keane, the copious amounts of drugs he took didn’t knacker him up. Instead, it was a stumpy Japanese woman called Yoko Ono.

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Heather Mills: The Weird Finger Throat-Slash Court Threat

by Stuart Heritage

We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone’s food and make them ill.

No, in short we’d like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it’s common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney’s lawyer’s head in court, it’s now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that’s literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn’t mean business, or she’s be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

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Heather Mills Gets To Judge Beauty Contests

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills looks for three things in a man – 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.

With this in mind, you’d expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that’s not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he’s invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants’ past. That’s got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

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Divorce Judge: Heather Mills Is A Bit Of A Tit

by Stuart Heritage

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge’s full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is ‘ridiculous’, ‘her own worst-enemy’ and pretty much a gigantic liar.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge’s ruling, don’t think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone’s granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling. At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth - now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much a gigantic liar. However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either - the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.
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Heather Mills ‘Hurls Water Over Divorce Lawyer Like A Crazy Old Nutbag’

by Stuart Heritage

As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What’s that? She didn’t? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney’s divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

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VIDEO: Heather Mills Gets £24.3M Divorce Cash, Still A Bit Dickish

by Stuart Heritage

The Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all over, with Paul McCartney £24.3 million poorer and Heather Mill’s £24.3 million more obnoxiously smug.

The judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce this afternoon revealed his judgement, and Heather Mills immediately ran to the nearest group of microphones to explain exactly how she felt.

We’ve got video of Heather Mills’ speech after the jump, but rest assured she’s as contradictory, self-congratulatory, bitter and confusing as you’d expect her to be. True, Heather Mills didn’t start screeching the word ‘Paedophile!’ over and over in the voice of an angry mouse – the first time she hasn’t done this in front of a camera for about 18 months – but it was a decent performance nonetheless.

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