So we did kind of expect her to fight back in some way, what with her being a bit “interesting” in the head.

What we didn’t expect was that she’d wish cancer on anyone who had ever wronged her, tumours on those who had slighted her and death to those who gave her funny looks.

Sure, she denied she’d actually said that, but we happen to trust The Observer over Bionic Commandette.

Let’s make one thing clear: hecklerspray is not the type to unfairly judge people, places or things, as we are really, really nice.

Unless it’s Heather Mills. And even then, technically, it’s fairly judging her.

Where some celeb-types attract scorn simply by being who they are
(and through the help of millions of squawking, cloying, piss-stained females), or by dying, some bring it on themselves by being a massive, massive twat.

Who would like to guess which side Heather Mills falls into?

And now – as we believe The Observer – we have an even better reason than before to slate the self-obsessed, sympathy-hungry eterno-victim.

In an interview printed this past Sunday, Heather Mills reportedly said:

“The truth always outs in the end – no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they’ve got cancer, or they’ve had a tumour, or they’ve died. And it’s terrible for them, but they’ve done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round.”

Why the paper would print her as saying that without her actually saying it we do not know – it’s pretty obvious they would get the crap sued out of them. But the woman with the best hecklerspray picture available on our database quickly backtracked, through her new favourite means of communicating with us peasants: Twitter.

It may just be our mind working overtime, but that does seem very much like a comment from a hecklerspray user. She later added:

We may be gullible – we may be – but Heather Mills did say:

“The truth always outs in the end – no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they’ve got cancer, or they’ve had a tumour, or they’ve died. And it’s terrible for them, but they’ve done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round.”

Apparently.

It’s happened before and it will happen again – stories that are simply too good, that write themselves and just don’t need any additional comment to make them funny.

Obviously that won’t stop us from commenting on them, as we’re nice like that.

This week came the particularly special news that ex-Beatle-ex and hecklerspray mainstay Heather Mills was asked to appear in the Capcom game Bionic Commando.
For those not clued-in, Bionic Commando is a remake of a 22–year-old game about a bloke with a robotic arm who goes around swinging from things using a built-in extendo grappling hand and shooting bad bastards to save the world.

It’s easy to see why they approached Heather Mills. The similarities are… errm… yeah. Though there is a chance that neither of them can jump.

After The Sun reported the story last week, it wasn’t long before Heather responded in her trademark level-headed fashion through the godsend for celebrity reportage that is Twitter:

“Got offered to promote an amputee bionic computer game, from a wealthy computer games company I said if you donate a large sum to charity. The stingy company came back saying they couldn’t, what happened to charitable businesses, seems they just want to exploit and give nothing”

Ah, another one of Heather Mills’ trademark personality traits – selfless generosity. A charity campaigner she may be, but that’s a charity campaigner with quite a cushy lifestyle thanks in no small part to an astonishing divorce settlement and many questions surrounding how many of her claimed donations she has actually made.

But back to the news – let’s try and analyse how the thinking behind this went.

She has a false leg.

That’s about it.

What that means is she isn’t really the kind of “bionic” Capcom were looking for. One is a ridiculously over-the-top money grabbing ploy, harking back to a past it cannot hope to recreate and involving some ludicrous false body parts.

The other is Bionic Commando.

Now whoever didn’t see that joke coming can just leave. Forever. Even if we did just refer to Heather Mills as a “ploy”.

And this is all without even mentioning the bit about how Mills now wants a game made where you can “shock the privates” of The Sun journalists. Bit harsh, love – we can be good people.

Elsewhere this week in News Making Us Go “Eh?” – it was reported, though swiftly retracted, that Bill Clinton had been approached to appear in professional time-stealing title Fallout 3. Who was big Willy set to play? Why, the President of the United States, of course.

It may have turned out to be a half-truth, but it still made us giggle a fair amount.

And it would have been a billion times better than any game with Heather Mills in it.

THIS WEEK: We were both annoyed and delighted by the news that Demon’s Souls is to be brought to the US, meaning it’s surely only a matter of time before it gets a proper release in Europe. Obviously this is brilliant, but why did they wait until two months after someone had forked out £48 for a copy to break the news? Arse.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don’t blame him – she’d scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That’s why Trump’s a millionaire – he thinks about the little things like that.

Ends up though that Mills isn’t welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the finale.

America likes to look at Heather Mills, but not for an entire season at a time. Watching her limp around everywhere she goes is enough to make a viewer’s own knees hurt, and that can only lead to a channel change.

On Celebrity Apprentice she would have been tolerable only so long as the competitive tasks included things like protecting baby seals with Paul McCartney’s jagged frozen corpse, and also getting a long drawn out divorce from that same dead body, or those same defended baby seals.

If the team competitions included things like that, Mills would soar to the finale on wings of the purest gold. That’s a metaphor for ‘with great ease.’ It was first made popular with the Mesopotamians, and later caught on well with the Roman culture.

But Donald Trump knows it would be foolish to give Mills such a tremendous advantage over the other contestants. No, she’d be on level playing ground with everyone else – and her chances of going home would be exactly the same as her competitors.

Perhaps that’s why when NBC approached her to be in the coming season, it was reported that she agreed only so long as she was guaranteed to be a finalist.

The Sun says:

“HEATHER MILLS lost a role in the US version of Celebrity Apprentice — after demanding a clause in her contract guaranteeing a place in the final. Mills…was lined up to take part in the reality TV hit…But producers at US network NBC got cold feet when she insisted she appear in the final regardless of her success in the show’s tasks. Producers refused, even though she headed the list of celebrities they wanted for the programme.”

We heard her contract also had a clause to provide her with love, life-long companionship and new leg made from sausage and pig tendons, but the NBC department that usually provides that kind of stuff is booked clean through ’til March.

We didn’t actually hear that.

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Heather Mills isn’t just an activist for defenseless edible creatures, or a former model especially popular with the seeing-impaired demographic, but she’s also, of course, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who was awarded a paltry £24 million in the divorce.

She’s also a woman that screeches like a banshee when she gets upset, but that doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love.

So, we submit to you, the impartial jury, what man would not want to get with that? What man? Every single man anywhere ever, actually, except for this one guy, Jamie Walker.

No, you don’t know him, and neither do we. The only reason you should care is that six months from now when you hear about a new reality show coming out featuring Heather McCartney and her man-accessory picking our dressy prosthetic legs for a forthcoming charity auction, you’ll have a vague recollection of him, and it will bring you fond memories of us, as well as save you an internet search.

Anyway, Heather dug him up at the Tenerife Hotel she was staying at with her unfortunately-named daughter, Beatrice. This Jamie character is pretty much the exact opposite of Paul McCartney. He’s 36 years old, brawny, muscular, hasn’t been a member of The Beatles, and reportedly doesn’t have two coins to rub together between shifts handing out towels to rich divorcees at the pool.

It appears Heather isn’t put off by his lack of fortune, though. She knows what’s really important: his rockin’ bod. A so-called “friend” of Heather’s had this to say:

“Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie. He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's.”

In other news, this year’s Master of the Obvious award goes to Heather Mills for her poignant observations between the physique of her 66-year-old ex, and her current 36-year-old hunk of man candy. We will re-broadcast her acceptance speech once we have slowed it down and lowered the pitch so that dogs aren’t the only ones who can hear it.

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

Trump waffled thus:

"Because The Apprentice did so well last time around, lots of people want to be on it. Including Heather Mills. We start shooting in four weeks. The names will be revealed then." 

Should Mills take part, she'll be required to give any winnings to a charity of her choice, which will no doubt increase the time she spends campaigning from 23 hours a day to 37, thereby tearing a rip in the fabric of time and possibility that may well affect the strip lighting mechanics over at Trump Towers.

Seems a bit unfair, to be honest – giving all that cash away when her poor five-year-old daughter is trying desperately to survive on a diet of twigs, moss and collected rainwater. Or was that £36,000-per-year? We can never remember.

Anyway – as the D-Man said – the show enters production in a month or so, which is presumably when you can expect to see Heather taking part in embarrassing corporate stunts and hawking arbitrary products on QVC. Which – in some parallel non-Beatle-marrying universe – she's been doing for the last six years anyway.

However, every successful star has a downfall, and he had a couple. But unlike today’s woozy musicians, like the moon crater face bloke from Keane, the copious amounts of drugs he took didn’t knacker him up. Instead, it was a stumpy Japanese woman called Yoko Ono.

Once she got hold of him, he kind of went a bit soppy, writing billions of songs in her honour. His other silly mistake was getting naked on a 1968 Rolling Stone cover with her. Not a pleasant sight. After John Lennon got his brains splattered across New York, she disappeared for a while. But still reappeared now and then to tell us that she was married to a Beatle.

Now she’s back to defend peg-legged Heather Mills. Another ex-Beatle’s wife. But, while Linda McCartney left us nothing but a horrible line of frozen food meals, Paul McCartney’s latest divorcee hasn’t quite done anything on such a scale. Probably because she isn’t dead yet. Though she is quite well hated now by a) gold-diggers who didn’t get to Paul first and b) legions of deluded Beatles fans who worship the ground their hero walks on.

Does it matter if he puts out a totally strange and crap classical-sounding album? Of course not, these fans will lap it up. The same fans who undoubtedly know where their hero buys his burgers and jockstraps.  

The ongoing Heather Mills v Paul McCartney feud has been gripping the nation for months. We’ve even been told that Hollywood wants to make a five-hour epic movie starring the two. Heather’s story will be told as a poor pauper girl who one day meets Paul, the man of her dreams at a vegetarian cook-off competition.

After discussing the ins and outs of leaf and pinecone soup, the two marry, argue and then fight. But it’s no ordinary fight. Their anti-meat diet gives them super powers. Powers where they fight through distant galaxies – in the past, present and future.

Rat milk drinker Heather recently got a fair slice of her ex’s wealth in last month's divorce settlement. How does £24.3 million sound? Not bad by anyone’s standards, but Heather was still hopping mad. And, no, it wasn’t because some cruel bastard nicked her false leg.

With that sort of money at her disposal, she can now afford a leg for all occasions. White and pasty; tanned and gorgeous; or battered and bruised.  

The press have never been kind to poor Heather. Ever since the two announced their marriage, plenty of people, including Paul’s own daughter Stella, said it would never work out.

Everyone was right, and if we’d been bothered to put a bet on, we would have been rolling in the money. Just like Heather is now. So while everyone shakes their fist at Heather Mills in anger, an unlikely source has come to her aid. That’s right, the former squeeze of John Lennon, Yoko Ono. She told Now Magazine:

"It's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles. I think all the wives did suffer, but suffered quietly and endured."

How it would be hard is beyond us. If we happened to be attached to someone famous, we think we could cope. Of course, our egos would swell and we’d demand vintage 1989 Tango, but is that so much to ask?

As our other-halves made all the money, we’d sit buy and count it all up – before throwing it in the air and re-counting it again.

Read More -  Yoko Ono defends Heather Mills saying its hard to be married to a Beatle – Now Magazine

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Being Heather Mills can't be that much fun, because each of her victories come strapped to a larger failure. Take her recent divorce from Paul McCartney – Heather Mills won $24.3 million in a day, more than the average worker would earn in 800 years, but the money came with a divorce ruling that basically called Heather Mills a massive twat.

Worse still, Heather Mills apparently marked the end of the divorce by pouring a jug of water over the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Although the ethics of making such a scene are slightly ropey, it must have been incredibly satisfying for Heather to get her own back like that. At least until everyone saw that the water had squashed down Shackleton's gigantic bouffant haircut and made her about 30% sexier in the process.

True, that still put Fiona Shackleton's sexiness percentage at about minus five, but it must have made Heather Mills feel pretty stupid.

And if today's reports are correct then it didn't stop there. As well as tipping water over Fiona Shackleton's head, Heather Mills also made a throat-slash gesture with her fingers directly at her, in the way that we thought only pikeys and fictional pirates did. The Sun reports:

Furious Heather Mills made a throat-slashing gesture at Sir Paul McCartney’s victorious divorce lawyer, The Sun can reveal. Mucca, 40, glared across court at Fiona Shackleton and drew two fingers across her throat. The dramatic moment came shortly after the divorce ruling that exposed Heather as a scheming fantasist and left her with a £24million settlement – just a fifth of what she wanted. Mucca had read Mr Justice Bennett’s damning judgment and realised that Shacka’s courtroom success had left her reputation in tatters. A source said: “Paul thought Heather had gone completely off her rocker. He was shocked because it was so completely out of order and just not the way to conduct yourself in court.”

However, let's not rush to conclusions – none of us were there so we don't know if Heather Mills really did the throat-slash at Fiona Shackleton. And if she did, who's to say that it was meant in the terrifying 'I'll find you and slash your throat' threat way. For all we know, Heather Mills could have been motioning to her throat to tell Shackleton how deep in whipped cream, cherries and translucent bondage gear she was when she made that German sex book of hers in the eighties.

If it was a genuine threat, though, then Heather Mills has been dreadfully shortsighted. Not only would it suggest that she could be held in contempt of court for her behaviour, but it's hardly likely to endear her to the next elderly out-of-touch multimillionaire that she decides to briefly get married to. Accusations of stabbing they can live with, but finger-slashing a lawyer? What ghastly form.

Read more:

Mucca's Slasher Threat To Shacka – The Sun 

With this in mind, you'd expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that's not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he's invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants' past. That's got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

Although Heather Mills got £24.3 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney this week, she'd better spend that money frugally because there's probably not a soul on earth who'd employ her at the moment. Not only would Heather Mills disrupt the office with her constant squeals of 'Paedophile!' but also there's that little matter of the judge's insistence that she makes most stuff up.

But just when you thought that Heather Mills might have to go back to making disturbing naked German sex books for a living again, help has arrived in the obnoxious monkey-haired form of Donald Trump. Heather Mills has always maintained that she's more popular in America than the UK – although who knows how true that is anymore? – which means the ideal job for her now is something with word 'USA' in the title.

Like, ooh, say, a Miss USA judge? That's just what Donald Trump wants, says the New York Post:

Heather Mills is hopping onto US television again, this time as a judge on Donald Trump's Miss USA pageant… Trump yesterday shrugged off Mills' reputation as one of the world's most disliked media personalities. "So is Omarosa," he joked. "And look how well we've done with her. She's been through a lot," Trump said. "She has great courage and you have to respect her – she's been through the wringer."

Actually, perhaps Donald Trump has a bit of a point here. The more we think about it, the more we think that Heather Mills would be a perfect Miss USA judge. She's certainly forthright enough for the job, plus the wealth of experience she has will mean she'll be better equipped to empathise with the girls.

For instance, former Miss USA Tara Conner got in trouble for being at the centre of a humiliating sex scandal – and Heather Mills has to deal with all those reports that say she used to be a prostitute. Then there's former Miss USA contestant Katie Rees, who was arrested for kicking a policeman, while Heather Mills, um, wants people to drink rat milk. OK, the comparisons fall down there a bit, admittedly.  

But the main reason is that Heather Mills has plenty of modelling experience which she can bring to the Miss USA table. Although if she does take the job Donald Trump should probably quietly remind Heather Mills that she shouldn't mark down the contestants because they haven't swathed their naked breasts in whipped cream and aren't chewing on a red jelly penis. The world of modelling has moved on since Heather's day, see.

Read more:

TRUMP HIRES HEATHER MILLS - NYP

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much makes makes all sorts of lofty unsubstantiated claims about herself.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Sometimes, in our weakest moments, we feel a little bit sorry for Heather Mills. Aside from a couple of confused rednecks with temporary telephone privileges and some horny 14-year-olds, there isn't a single person in the whole wide world who even slightly likes her.

Everyone dislikes Heather's constant references to her charity work, the sense that she's a bit of a fantasist and her over-inflated sense of self-importance. And now everyone's views have been legally verified by the judge who oversaw the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce.

Although this week Heather Mills won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney and even managed to chuck some water at his lawyer, it's a pyrrhic victory because the judge's ruling slates her so much that it's basically one red jelly penis reference away from being a hecklerspray article. A 58-page, 327-paragraph hecklerspray article. We know, we can't think of anything worse either.

If you've got a spare hour, we'd urge you to track down a copy of Judge Hugh Bennett's full divorce ruling on Paul McCartney and Heather Mills because it's nothing short of brilliant. Heather Mills gets trashed for making unsupported claims about her income, her status, her role as a wife and a 'counsellor' to Paul McCartney, her annual travel expenses and – perhaps best of all, the £40,000 a year she needs for wine even though she doesn't drink.

The Washington Post has a neat summary:

Mills had sought a $250 million divorce settlement. But in the papers, Bennett rejected Mills's justifications for her demand as "ridiculous" and "wholly exaggerated." He said Mills "flagrantly overeggs the pudding" with demands for just under $1 million a year for travel expenses, including $370,000 for private planes and helicopters… Bennett said he thinks Mills believes "she is entitled for the indefinite future, if not for the whole of her life, to live at the same 'rate' as the husband and to be kept in the style to which she perceives she was accustomed during the marriage… Although she strongly denied it," Bennett wrote, "her case boils down to the syndrome of 'me, too' or 'if he has it, I want it too.'"

The ruling must have stung Heather Mills pretty hard – after all, future generations will now be able to look back on these legal documents and confidently assert that Heather Mills was an out-of-control divpot no matter she does to change this in the future. 

Yep, we're certain that thanks to this divorce ruling Heather Mills is right now crying hard into her gigantic pile of cash that's bigger than anything we could hope to earn in hundreds of years. One-nil to us!

Read more:

Judge Portrays McCartney's Ex As 'Out of Control' – Washington Post 

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

This morning Heather Mills woke up a new women. Her saggy-faced pensioner of an estranged husband Paul McCartney had become her saggy-faced pensioner of an ex-husband and she had £24.3 million of divorce settlement money to blow on whatever she wanted. But is Heather Mills happy?

No she isn't. Heather Mills may have won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney, but she was reportedly angling for much more than that. So how did Heather Mills take out her anger on the verdict? By rushing over to the nearest group of television cameras and babbling in a demented way for 11 minutes about how brilliant she is and how shit Paul McCartney is while giving the impression that she's going to hand over the full total to charity even though she probably won't?

Well, yes, admittedly Heather Mills did do exactly that, but only after she poured a glass of water of the head of Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer. Like we said, classy. The Sun reports:

And as the hearing ended, witnesses said Mucca calmly picked up the water and soaked lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Heather, 40, last night refused to admit pouring the water, which judge Mr Justice Bennett could have viewed as contempt. But she laughingly boasted that Ms Shackleton, 51, had been “baptised in court” — and a source confirmed to The Sun that she was behind the attack. A witness said: “Heather tipped the water over Fiona’s head. She didn’t throw it. It was cool, calm and collected. It trickled down Fiona’s neck. She waited until the hearing was over. The judge would have taken a very dim view of it if he’d seen it.”

Fiona Shackleton should be lucky that it was Heather Mills who attacked her, if anything. Had it been Paul McCartney holding the glass there'd have been a stabby stabby bloodbath – and that's as near to fact as we can comfortably allude  to without fear of a lawsuit for defamation.

Anyway, it's likely that we'll eventually hear about Heather Mills' divorce water-attack from the horse's mouth sooner or later because, as Heather Mills said in her weird rant yesterday, she's been forced into silence over the divorce for the last 21 months and now it's her turn to talk.

And given that her definition of 'silence' is 'one berserk screaming British breakfast TV interview, another two berserk interviews on American television shows, a weepy interview about how she isn't a golddigger on American TV, an even weepier radio interview and a six-week stint on a spangly one-legged televised backflip competition', we get the feeling that there's going to be an awful lot of talking.

We suppose our real point here, though, is that an angry Heather Mills is better than a happy Heather Mills. Because, in the name of all that's holy, have you ever seen Heather Mills smile? She looks like a bad impressionist painting of a constipated hairdresser who's straining for a poo, trying to bend a metal girder with her hands and attempting to work out advanced partial differential equations in her head all at the same time. With brainfreeze. Nobody wants to see that.

Read more: 

Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca's lawyer Shacka – The Sun 

The judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce this afternoon revealed his judgement, and Heather Mills immediately ran to the nearest group of microphones to explain exactly how she felt.

We've got video of Heather Mills' speech after the jump, but rest assured she's as contradictory, self-congratulatory, bitter and confusing as you'd expect her to be. True, Heather Mills didn't start screeching the word 'Paedophile!' over and over in the voice of an angry mouse – the first time she hasn't done this in front of a camera for about 18 months – but it was a decent performance nonetheless.

As we all knew, today was the day where the judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce made his final ruling. Although speculation had previously pegged Heather Mills as receiving £117 million, the final figure was a still pretty huge £24.3 million. And here's what Heather Mills had to say about it…

OK, firstly – well done on getting the "charity has been my life for 20 years" line in, even though "charity, titty-modelling and marrying old millionaires," is closer to the truth. Secondly – something smells fishy here.

Given that Heather Mills' accusations of assault apparently had Paul McCartney demanding all kinds of divorce settlement confidentiality agreements, you'd think that he'd be against the judge releasing his judgement into the public. But the opposite is apparently true – Paul McCartney is reported to be desperate for the world to hear the judgement.

And then there's Heather Mills, who has hardly made a secret of her desire to write a tell-all book and give lots of lucrative interviews about the break-up of her marriage, and she's now appealing against the release of the judgement because she's ostensibly worried about the safety of her daughter. 

Now, Heather's speech made out like her decision to represent herself in the divorce court was such a blow to the pillars of justice that the judgement would be written in a way to make Paul McCartney look like the winner. So, adding all of this up, does anyone else think the judgement is basically the phrase 'Heather Mills is batshit insane' repeated 100 times in a row? Just us? OK.

But anyway, at least the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all done and dusted now. Paul McCartney can go back to being the disturbing swordsman that he's slowly turned into and Heather Mills can emigrate to a country where everyone doesn't hate her. Maybe Paul and Heather can put their bitterness behind them and become friends again. People reports:

A provision for daughter Beatrice consisting of periodical $70,000 payments was included, and McCartney has agreed to pay for her nanny and school fees. Of the provision, Mills said, "Beatrice only gets $70,000 a year so she is obviously meant to travel B class while her father travels A class. But obviously I will pay for that."

Alright, so maybe not 'friends' exactly…

Read more:

Heather Mills 'So Happy' with $50M Divorce Settlement – People 

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

In the future, scrotum-faced old millionaires are going to think twice before they marry one-legged former pornstars, and it's all thanks to this divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Sure, Paul and Heather looked like a cute couple to begin with – OK, not a cute couple; more like a wonk-faced disabled lady taking her granddad out to keep his mind active – but just look at the way things have fallen apart.

The divorce has been equally acrimonious on each side. Heather Mills has accused Paul McCartney of stabbing her, plus she's done several deranged screaming television interviews about the divorce, while Paul McCartney possibly had it off with a rich American and waggled his head about like the Churchill dog a bit afterwards.

But today all the nastiness will come to an end. Yes, we know we said that a month ago when Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were supposed to finalise their divorce but couldn't stop arguing – but this time it looks like it really might be all over. As BBC News reports, the judge who decides how much cash Heather Mills gets will make his final decision today:

Sir Paul McCartney will find out later how much of his fortune he is expected to hand over to estranged wife Heather Mills in their divorce settlement. The couple failed to reach an agreement in court last month, leaving the judge to determine the final figure. Divorce experts have estimated Ms Mills could walk away with £60m of Sir Paul's estimated £825m fortune. Speculation over the sum has been rife in the press, but Mr Justice Bennet is not obliged to reveal the details.

He's not obliged to, but he probably will anyway. Today's not going to a particularly brilliant day for either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills – they're both effectively having 'shit at marriage' rubberstamped into their permanent records – but at least it means that their painful 22-month separation process will be finished.

Yeah, as if. Common consensus says that Paul McCartney will be told to pay Heather Mills £25 million today. For the average British worker that's about 834 years of wages, but for Heather Mills it's half as much as she thought she'd be getting. And that means that Heather's now far more likely to drag the divorce through an expensive, emotionally-draining and – most importantly - public appeals procedure. Joy.

Like most people, we're past caring what happens in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce any more. All we hope is that, whatever Paul McCartney has to pay, it'll be worth whatever he made letting American Idol massacre all those Beatles songs last week. Somehow, we don't think it will.

Read more:

McCartneys to learn divorce deal – BBC 

But that's not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn't enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?

Even though you probably think that it's just an alarmingly bitter squabble between two stubborn idiots who stopped being interesting the day they either quit The Beatles or stopped posing naked for bad-haired 1980s soft porn sex guides, the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so much more than that.

You see, now that the judge presiding over the divorce has taken things into his own hands, there's a very strong chance that Heather Mills could be the recipient of the biggest divorce settlement in British history. And if that's the case, then the judge might have to make details of the divorce public, thanks to the important legal precedent that it'll set for future divorces between wealthy prune-faced pensioners and their shrewish one-legged former porn star wives. The Telegraph reports:

A spokesman for the Judicial Communications Office said: "The Judge will hand down his judgement in private on March 17. He will then decide, having heard submissions from the parties, whether or not to make the judgement public in whole or in part. The submissions from both parties will be heard in private. "It is not unknown in high profile cases, or where the judges think the case has legal significance, for some or all of the settlement to be made public."

So it's not set in stone that the divorce details will be made public yet, and we can expect that both Heather Mills and Paul McCartney will fight tooth and nail to keep the judgement private – especially McCartney, since all the settlement offers he's allegedly offered Heather Mills have come with the stipulation that she shuts the hell up forever.

As for Heather Mills, she's probably less worried about the divorce details going public because it'll allow her to do a big television interview about Paul McCartney's alleged wifebeating, then a series of high-profile newspaper interviews about it, then write a book about it, then serialise the book, then turn the book into a film then roll out her much anticipated 'Paul McCartney Went Stabby Stabby On My Arm' range of stationery and plastic lunchboxes. We get the feeling she'd probably quite like that.

However, it might not matter that the judge plans to take the divorce details public, because if either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills chooses to disagree with the settlement they can take the divorce to the court of appeals and then the House Of Lords, which would make the details public anyway.

You're probably thinking that neither Paul McCartney or Heather Mills would have the emotional capacity to drag out this already-interminable divorce through another round of petty squabbling and media scrutiny. But then again, this is a world where Heather Mills is considered sexy. Nothing surprises us any more.

Read more:

Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills divorce details to be published – Telegraph 

Seriously, although she's screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren't we in FHM's 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

Admit it – when you saw Heather Mills on GMTV that time squeaking out the word 'paedophile' over and over again like a morally outraged chinchilla, your first thought wasn't "My, this woman's gone doolally," but "PHWOOOAR!"

And instead of using your hands to cover up your face the first time you saw that picture of Heather Mills pointing at a pig, you clenched your fist and started doing that sex-pump thing that happens a lot in British 1970s sex comedies starring Robin Askwith.

No? You didn't? You saw Heather Mills' wonky mouth that's never learnt how to smile convincingly and wondered what Paul McCartney ever really saw in her? Us too. But if we're all busy thinking that, then who's been voting for Heather Mills in FHM's annual 100 sexiest women list?

Well, teenage boys, obviously, because a) it's FHM and b) you could grease up Nick Nolte, pop him in a bikini and most teenage boys would be able to grit their teeth and force out at least one solitary grim wank over the ensuing pictures if they ever got in FHM. But we're straying from the point. Heather Mills is sexy and it's downright confusing. OK reports:

Heather Mills could be named one of the world’s sexiest women, thanks to her bitter divorce battle. Astonishingly, she is beating actress Kirsten Dunst, 25, singer Gwen Stefani, 38, and Paris Hilton, 27, in a major poll… It will give her a boost as she waits to hear how much a court awards her in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, 65. FHM’s Chris Bell said: “With her power suits and model looks, thousands have realised Heather’s about to become the world’s most eligible – and richest – single woman.”

Power suits? Model looks? Perhaps Chris Bell meant 'constant infuriating facial expression' and 'willingness to take her clothes off for cash', unless he's describing a different Heather Mills that we don't know about.

But what the hell, let's just along with FHM's sick little ruse. Perhaps millions of boys really do find Heather Mills sexy. Perhaps they long for the day when Heather Mills accuses them of stabbing her with a wineglass before claiming to need £10,000 a day from them to survive. Perhaps they long to be that red jelly penis from Freuden der Liebe that Heather Mills seemed to find so delicious 20 years ago. Perhaps, basically, young people are idiots.

However, let's not underestimate the continued animosity between Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. Paul is bound to be distraught at all the positive publicity that FHM is handing to Heather Mills, and a fightback is inevitable. So look out for the April issue of Simply Knitting magazine, where we hear he's leading the pack in its 100 Sexiest Men Who Look More And More Like Your Elderly Grandmother With Every Passing Day list.

Read more:

SEXY HEATHER'S A PIN-UP! – OK 

And that's Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It'll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have more or less said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn't want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that's who.

As essentially rational human beings, we'd have trouble leaving Ozzy Osbourne in charge of a tin opener in case he ended up concussing himself with it somehow. However, some people aren't as obviously clever as us, and they've put Ozzy Osbourne in charge of Britain's biggest live-televised music awards show.

Ozzy Osbourne's hosting the Brits tomorrow night, alongside members of his family who have variously been rejected by Joss Stone and almost died in a house fire and called Mother Teresa a cunt. It sounds like a should be a total shambles, but let's not forget that Ozzy Osbourne is a respectable older gentleman now, and he'll have been primped and prepared to within an inch of his life to ensure that nothing goes wron…

What's that? Ozzy Osbourne is going to call the Brits short and launch a violent attack on Heather Mills if she manages to turn up to the Brits and present an award tomorrow? Fair enough. Female First reports:

Speaking about the rumours Heather is planning to attend the prestigious bash, Sharon said: "I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow." Ozzy – who will present Paul with the BRITs Lifetime Achievement Award – added: "I'm looking forward to seeing Paul McCartney – he's my hero. The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go – I think the audience will string her up. Sharon and I have met them both her on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Let's hope this warning is enough to stop Heather Mills from attending the Brits. After all, it isn't just Ozzy Osbourne out to get her. Rod Stewart has also made his dislike of Heather Mills clear, and don't forget that Paul McCartney will be performing at the Brits, and we all know how tasty he is with a sawn-off wineglass. If she's not careful, Heather Mills could stumble into a bloodbath.

So if she's sensible, Heather Mills will steer clear of the Brits and let it pass without incident. Well, apart from the incident when Ozzy Osbourne inevitably trips over a power cable onstage, spears a Brit through his eye and sets fire to Kylie Minogue's hair on live TV. But that was always going to happen.

Read more:

Ozzy Osbourne's Heather threat – Female First